Animation nation ...

I was watching Dora this morning... can someone tell me why her little friend Boots, and the other animals on the 'farm' episode this morning - including the cow, the dog, the pig...all 'look' Mexican? I mean I know she's hispanic but how in the crap do they get the animals to look Mexican? Do they not? Even the Map looks hispanic. I'm just sayin' ...

For the record ... I have a ton of hispanic friends... it's not about that - it just made me realize the characters are even animated culturally and I didn't ever notice. It made me laugh out loud when I 'saw' it...

Boobs are shrinking, the muffin, however, is not.

Prayer time with the pistol was SUPER special tonight ... get done praying and I'm lying next to her, and she says "Mom - how big are your boobs?" I say "what?" (as opposed to WTF which is what I was thinking in my head...) She says "Your boobs aren't very big are they mom?" I say "No they are not - but why do you say that - do you know someone who has bigger ones?" She replies "Yah, (insert friends name here.)" She then goes onto say "But mom - your belly is sure big isn't it ..." With two raised eye brows and a smirk.

Damn it. Damn damn damn damn ...

Does that mean the pilates isn't working? Or I just need to cut back on the mochas... wait, don't answer, for I don't want to hear it.

Null and Void

Went and worked out tonight ...

Took care of my 'other' wifely duties. (leaving the pink tampax box out on the bathroom counter didn't work evidently ...)

Packed 3 suitcases for week long lake trip.

Sat down to facebook, and ate a bowl of Coco Puffs...

What on earth did I work out for?

Damn it.

I SUCK, but cheers to Electrolux

...no, I know I'm crass but it's not THAT kind of post today.

Dr Teats had the new fridge delivered yesterday ...

He failed to mention, however, that he was having a washer and dryer come too. You'd think, I'd have been ecstatic ...except for the gazillion loads of laundry I was planning on doing at naptime (from week vacation, FOR week vacation) - whilst the pistols were out of my hair napping.

Nevertheless, I got over myself and welcomed my new set of Electrolux front loaders... (having quickly decluttered and delentified the laundry room in 20 minutes). I didn't pick the things, had no idea what they were capable of, didn't even ask for the suckers, BUT DAMNNNNNN I THINK I'M GONNA ENJOY LAUNDRY A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT MORE!!!

All was bliss until later in the evening ...I'm out with a girlfriend having cocktails and dinner ...Dr. Teats, home with pistols - TEXTS me..."WHERE DID YOU PUT THE CLOTHES THAT WERE IN THE DRYER?"

I laughed out loud and responded: "I checked the washer, not the dryer ... sorry!!! OOPS. Guess the clothes are on their way to habitat for humanity with the washer and dryer.... haha"

I got no LOL reply back...I'm just saying. I've told you he doesn't think I'm funny.

Lucky for me, (and Dr. Teats) MR-APPLIANCE-GUY had already intercepted them and they were nicely folded and in a box.

I'm such a freaking awesome wife ... a) Dr. Teats does his own laundry and b) Dr. Teats surprises me with new washer and dryer and I don't even bother to check to see if he's left clothes from his laundry run the night before ...c) IT ALL MAKES ME LAUGH!!! hahahaha. Horrid, horrid, horrid wife, and thus, I SUCK. (and evidently am going to be doing more of it having just received some RAD appliances...:) )

Cheers to Electrolux, (and sucking.)

I SAID IT ON MY FACEBOOK STATUS

...and I'll say it again ... and again, b/c I'm in that much agony...

With your "foam roll up" and "small sweat towel" ...you should be handed a vicodin at local gym while participating in PILATES.

F...! SERIOUSLY. I'M DYING. WHO KNEW? Well, except for Jennifer Aniston ... I now totally get her ridiculous body and all the WORK that went into it. How on earth was I under the impression that Pilates was a little stretching class for an hour and you come out of there looking like a sculpted goddess???

I woke up this morning and had to ask myself, "wait, did I deliver a 10 lb 2 oz pistol yesterday...or is this EXCRUCIATING PAIN FROM THAT PILATES CLASS?" Well - turns out, this pain, TRUMPS the delivery of said 10 lb 2 oz pistol... Well, let's be honest...pilates doesn't really effect the parts of my body that required LAYERS AND LAYERS OF DERMAPLAST... but that's another blog...but I digress. PILATES, KICKED, MY FREAKING, LARD, ASS.

You know when you're in a class - and there are mirrors all around, and they SAY they're to help you make sure you're assuming the correct posture and form... WELL I CALL BULLSHIT. I say, it's so mocha drinkin' mommas like yours truly, can look over in the mirror, in SHEER PAIN, feeling like they're tighting every last inch of existing flab in their body ... ONLY TO DISCOVER, THE MUFFIN, IS HANGING, LIMP, LIKE A FLOUR SACK FROM MY PERFECTLY POSITIONED 'PISSY PUSSY CAT' (OR WHATEVER THEY CALL IT) POSE ...

OH MY LAWD. DEEEEE-sgusting. It was like a train wreck...I didn't want to look at it as it was making me feel sick...but I couldn't look away - it was the craziest shape the muffin has ever contorted to... I prefer the muffin looking like a muffin...I mean if it's gonna be a muffin top, then, look like a muffin top, not like a 25 lb tub of lard hanging from my middle ...

If this was supposed to be motivating? NEWSFLASH... IT WASN'T. It was horrifying... the muffin was way bigger and limper than I thought it was ..

GUESS I GOTTA GET ME SOME SPANX FOR PILATES CLASS.

Can I cuss now? F F F F F. I hurt. My neck hurts, my arms hurt, my sides ache, my back hurts, my quads hurt, my ASS hurts ... It is official pilates instructor lady, the lactic acid has officially built up in my glutes and I'M ON FIRE.

SOMEBODY GET ME A G.D. VICODIN ALREADY!!! Thank you Sweet Baby Jesus for a certain Gall Bladder Surgery and not polishing all of my pain killers off at once. I KNEW I'd need those blasted pills for a rainy day...D day.

TODAY IS D DAY... DAMNTHATPILATESCLASSSUCKEDMORETHANLABOR day.

Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to pop a pill I go ...

A friend loves at all times...

...and she, my dear friend, AS THE WIFE OF MR-APPLIANCE-GUY, (WHO IS ALSO A GOOD FRIEND AND HATES MY WHITE, THEY.WERE.THERE.WHEN.WE.MOVED.IN APPLIANCES...) WHEN DR. TEATS GETS THE ITCH TO REPLACE THE FRIDGE, WASHER AND DRYER ... SUGGESTS THE ELECTROLUX FRIDGE, AND W/D FOR HER HUBBY TO SUGGEST TO DR TEATS (B/C THAT'S WHAT BESTIE-WIFE-OF-MR-APPLIANCE-GUY HAS OF COURSE...) - YOU KNOW - THE KING DING DONG KELLY RIPPA BRAND THAT IS FREAKING AWESOME ... THE BRAND OF MY DRY VAC...B/C THAT'S THE ONLY PIECE OF THAT LINE I CAN AFFORD WITHOUT BLOWING UP BIG DADDY'S AMEX ...

AND SHE ALSO SUGGESTS ...

that now I just need to find a way to break my stove.

Sweet Jesus - does she LOVE ME? She loves me...at all times, she loves me. What a friend huh?

AND THIS IS WHY I LOVE HER. (besides the fact that she is photographer extraordinaire... she takes the most awesome pictures of my pistols and my family and airbrushes me to look thin and beautiful with white teeth even though you all know I have the biggest muffin top in Cali... and my teeth, well, they're straight, but 132,000 mochas later...not-so-white anymore)

AND WHY DO I LOVE HER HUBBY? MR-APPLIANCE-GUY?

Because upon asking bestie to ask mr-appliance-guy how exactly I can break said stove ...she responds via text (b/c that's how we roll)...

***I just asked and he just sort of looked at me dumbfounded...then the eyes rolled to the top right ...(means deep thought ...) and he said "without burning down the house or making it obvious, sorry, no."***

DO WE LOVE HIM? YES, WE ADORE HIM. HE THOUGHT ABOUT IT. DAMNNNNNN. HE THOUGHT ABOUT IT ... THAT JUST ROCKS! AND YOU KNOW HOW SICK I AM RIGHT?

SOOO, IF I BURN DOWN THE HOUSE, DOES THAT MEAN I CAN GET A NEW STOVE, ANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD A NEW HOUSE???? GIDDY UP! WE MIGHT JUST BE ON TO SOMETHING HERE MR-APPLIANCE-GUY!!!

where is the devil face and horns on this damn keyboard?

Summertime .... is sooooo confusing!

So I always thought, summer vacation meant slowing down, relaxing, sleeping in a bit longer, not being so rushed to go - go - go ...WTF WAS I EVER THINKING? First summer after my kid finishes round 1 of preschool at age 3 (now 4) I hit the ground running one day after she's done with preschool and I haven't stopped - not even long enough to blog? Let alone READ the blogs I love. I have facebooked, but that's b/c I can do it from my Iphone. I fear blogging from the iphone b/c if big daddy caught me in this blog...OH SWEET JESUS HE MIGHT JUST KILL ME! :) The tales I've told, albeit true, still tales.

I guess it's this guilt factor coming over me...to just make sure my girlies have great memories like I have...but then, I got to thinking, what in the hell am I doing ...come next April, a 4 yr old is going to be bitching and moaning about how much she hates school ... and can't wait for summer ... and ALL OF THE THINGS WE'RE GOING TO DO ALL.SUMMER.LONG.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT. I really bit the dust on this one didn't I. What I SHOULD have done is made the summer SUCK, with the high light, a big day at RollerTowne ...thrown in some fuzzy balls for the skates, er ehm, they probably don't have those anymore do they ... a snow cone and called it good. A big day should have been the sprinklers, or an ice cream truck. RIGHT? Instead we've been to the movies, to the beach 4 times, the cabin for a week, the lake, watched every version of highschool musical 78 times each, had play dates, and popsicles for lunch, and stayed up late...

I may, have created, monsters. (Like they weren't already monsters - let's be honest.)

I can already see August 16th ...LIVINGFREAKINGNIGHTMARE ...4 year old who was so sad for school to be out, is going to go into her new room kicking and screaming ... pissed at the world... because summer is officially OVEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR and her life is AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWFUL!

So, here I am ...having figured it out ... I do fortunately or unfortunately have one more week trip planned boating at the lake ...can't get out of it...damn. Gonna have to suffer through it with my girls getting that much more jacked up. But until then a few days of making up for lost time, and simmering things down here a little bit in the world of teats, mochas and pistols ... making the days a little less fun, and a LOT MORE BORING, so that school is LOOKIN' GOOD A MONTH FROM NOW.

Now to go catch up on my favorite bloggers ...

BBQ RULES

So I got this email today ... from Dr. Teats:

Babe, thought you would enjoy this,

BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain ofevents are put into motion: Routine...(1) The woman buys the food.(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert .(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. Here comes the important part:(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. More routine....(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips t hemeat Important again:(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine...(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,sauces, and brings them to the table.(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all;(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cookingefforts.(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off ';and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


UM, WTF IS SO G.D.FUNNY ABOUT THIS? IT'S DEAD...ON!!!!!!!


I replied:

oh sweet Jesus - STORY.OF.MY.LIFE. You'll be lucky if I don't email (co-worker who emailed him this blurb) and thank him for the written recap of my memorial day. Alright...ENJOY YOUR MEETING. I'm "this close" to hitting the pool instead of organizing a closet or a pantry or a drawer. My ass is on fire - been in and out of bathroom for the last 2 hours straight. I think it needs some salt water.


He replied:

You make me laugh. HAVE A GOOD REST OF THE DAY!


Oh for the love ...I make him laugh. What a lie. Have a good rest of the day? haha. He totally doesn't think I'm funny - he's 2 miles away at his 'lab' hiding out in that office so he doesn't have to come home to this one. Don't blame him. The pistols have been puking and feverish for 2 days. (yes, again...lol and I swear I use purell like a freak.)

So on that note, I hit the pool. Cheers.

Gonna get myself a donut!

No no, not the kind you're thinking of. Although they always sound good, they make me blow it out the back like a salad shooter.

I went to the store this morning to buy some beautiful orchids for my daughter's preschool teachers ... call it keepin' up with the Dutch Mafia if you want (the super moms that drive the 30 ft long, shiny and immaculate Escalades with the killer boat sticker on the window, show up at 8am looking like they just stepped off a fashion show runway, but insist they're on their way to the gym *code for botox injections* and they bake the best cupcakes, have 2 camcorders at the programs just in case one dies, and bid $6000.00 on the classroom sponsored beach themed family basket at the school silent auction fundraiser. You know who I'm talking about.) ... but I refuse to be a TOTAL loser. I'd already gotten a flyer in my box earlier this week from the Dutch Mafia (mom of said Dutch 3 year classmate of the pistols...)that it was the preschool head teacher's 70th birthday and to remind the children to bring "hand made notes" (WTF? NO STARBUCKS CARDS? HAND MADE NOTES TAKE SOOOOO MUCH TIME...EYE YI YI.) This mommy was sooooo on top of it, she provided pizza, a home made cake for teacher, and baked cupcakes for the kids ... it's a wonder she didn't show up at the last day of school picnic today with home made lasagna and tiramisu ... and a tossed salad to boot. (You know we rocked McDonalds happy meals and Starbucks amidst the plethora of Longaberger picnic baskets filled with yogurts, apples, cheese and bottled water, beach umbrellas.)

Sooo, speaking of tossed salad ... (eh hem)

While at the store ... I see this guy who I pull in right next to ..he was drivin' kind of a cool lookin' new model VW so I'm kinda starin' it down and then starin' him down...because as he hustles off to the store doors, he's walkin' like he has a stick up his ass ... and, well, he may have moments earlier ... but this is what I need you to know. Upon purchasing my orchids and heading back to the car - I parked my cart between our cars to get the Bazooka in her car seat, and so I take an opportunity to glance into this little VW ... (it intrigued me) only to see a big 'ole yellow DONUT for him to sit on in his driver's seat. OH.MY.LORD. I literally laughed out loud and looked around to make sure I wasn't on candid camera.

Guess he DOESN'T have a numb ass like THE MOCHA FREAK. Bet he wishes he did.

I'm just saying.

Pride got the best of me ...

My niece graduated from Cal Berkeley with honors this weekend ...it was a PROUD moment for me, the AUNTIE. I traveled for hours to get there ...of cousre I did - WOULDN'T MISS IT!!! (Plus, sister, graduate's momma, flew in from Nashville to attend and I couldn't miss an opportunity to see her...)

So proud, that when I checked into the Holiday Inn ... late in the evening ... and noticed a handsome young man that looked like THAT ASSHOLE Jason from the bachelor and MORE IMPORTANTLY ... bore a striking resemblance to pictures I've seen of a boy that's been hanging with my niece for the past year ...

(this is where you say ..."please tell us you didn't introduce yourself ....")

Sorry ... couldn't help myself ... he's standing there with what appears to be mom and grandma ...Auntie big hair (my other sister) and I yell around the big crafstman style pillar ..."HEY,,,,,MIKE." (nothing from him, we're giggling like mad dogs) "HEY....MIIIIIKEEE!" (Still nothing. More cackling.) Auntie big hair thought it would be good to press the issue ... "excuse me are you Mike?"

He replies with a sickened look at both of us:

"Uhhhh, I'm 'A' Mike ..."

haha. Love him already. Sarcastic piece of shit. I laughed so hard I was doubled over ...

"WE'RE THE AUNTIES!!!! YIPPEEEE! HERE FOR GRADUATION!!!! WE'RE SO EXCITED ..."

He stares with a, um, smirk, can't even say smile, still appearing to be on the verge of vomit (which translates into WTF HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO ...MY GIRLFRIEND'S FAMILY ARE FREAKSHOWS...)

We introduce ourselves by name... he hesitantly, yet politely introduces us to mom and grandma who are CLEARLY AS ECSTATIC AS THE AUNTIES to be meeting the girlfriend's aunties in the lobby.

We text messaged the niece:

'GUESS WHAT? WE JUST MET MIKE, HIS MOM, AND GRANDMA IN THE LOBBY!!!! TEE HEE HEE'

Niece...although thrilled we traveled HOURS to watch her graduate from college ...

READY.TO.KICK.OUR.ASSES.

haha.

I know, you had to be there. But it was fun to rewrite it because I just laughed my ass off playing it all back.

Best $5.95 you'll ever spend at the grocery store ..

GOD BLESS ORAL B. (Braun or Sonic will suffice but WAY overpriced, and I'm married to a Dutchman so Oral B it is.)

Are you sitting?

Get the water, diet coke, or in my case 'mocha' out of your mouth, swallow it.

Follow me:

Pistols bathing. (nightly ritual)

I have them brush their teeth while they bathe because it's just easier that way at night.

I walk away to put the pj's on beds.

Walk back into said brushing session, only, lil' bazooka...(20 months), grinning ear to ear and giggling, does NOT, have the vibrating, Pooh, toothbrush in her mouth ...

THAT'S RIGHT.

WHY IN THE HELL DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT??????????????

So, in case I need to spell it out for some of you, after my 'DEEP CLEANING THE HOUSE' ...(with help of the WINE), you will MORE than likely find me in my freshly chloroxed bathtub...

'BRUSHING MY TEETH.'

Things are looking up.

(p.s. I'm totally screwed with the second kid. SCREWED. And I thought the 1st pistol and her POLE dancing was gonna do me in. INSERT F BOMB.)

Love handles??? I'm so over that.

I should be cleaning out that closet I mentioned...but instead, I'm facebooking, and I'm listening to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and drinking my third starbucks of the day ... the DVR of MMC has just ended and the TV flipped back over to "Disney Channel", and this is what I hear "LOVE HANDLES ... THAT IS MY MOM'S FAVORITE BAND!!!!!!!" (Phineus and Ferb - whatever that is)

You gotta be shittin' me. Is this the quality television our children are being exposed to on the Disney Channel? I try to be careful in the afternoon - with a newly 4 yr old and 20 month old ... no Hanna Montana or Suite Life for them ...I have a potential pole dancer on my hands already - she doesn't need to learn about relationships with boys quite yet. (eye roll and *sigh*)

But who in the F*** writes into a children's script about a band called Love Handles ...

The only one who should be writing about love handles period, is me. And, for the record... I'd prefer to name that OUTSTANDING part of my body after a cupcake please ...IT'S CALLED A MUFFIN TOP PEOPLE. Love handles is SO 90's. Geesh.

Sincerely,
The biggest muffin top in central valley thanks to my 'one size too small' jeans...

M.F.

I need an ankle band ... and some knee pads to boot.

Can someone hold me back from the Gap Kids Outlet ...if they are one minute closer I'm going to blow my monthly budget there all.summer.long. Seriously I need one of those ankle bands criminals have to wear on home arrest, AND IT NEEDS TO BEEP LOUDLY WHEN I'M HEADED TOWARDS THE LOCAL OUTLET STORES...

DAMN, they have cute stuff right now.

The only good news was, I bought a recycleable shopping bag for $4.00, that saved me 10% on my !@$$$$$$$%# purchase ...and if you knew how much my savings were you'd spell 'HELP' IN YOUR SHORTS WITH ME. My savings, were what I should have spent, period.

Better drink a lot of wine, and do a LOT of cleaning tonight before the Amex bill hits Dr. Teats inbox and he rolls in from TX tomorrow ... might.should.pick.up.some.knee.pads.to.boot. (not for scrubbing grout either ...) I'm gonna need some bonus points with Dr. Teats...that, I know for sure.

Gotta gear myself up. 24 hours and counting til I 'pay' ...LOL.

One of the blogs I love ...Misadventures of a Newlywed, (check her out - I don't even plug her for a giveaway - she just finished one, matter of fact...here is the link to her blog ... http://misadventuresofanewlywed.blogspot.com) recently got the queen ding dong 'LIGHT BULB MOMENT' award in my book ..for suggesting cleaning her kitchen only WHILST drinking a glass of wine. I MEAN, THE THOUGHT OF CLEANING WITH A MOCHA, THAT'S JUST ...'OK'...BUT crunked up cleaning ... this is an EXTRAORDINARY IDEA. (Crunked up on mocha is really only good for one thing and that's to keep me from being mean to any really cute little children while awakened at 5:45am...)

So, part of me is wondering about the friends I have that have these type A, emmaculate houses ... (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE...) IS THIS THEIR SECRET? I'm sure it's not but I'll tell myself it is to make myself feel better about the pig sty I call my house. (Don't worry, it's clean in the front - I'm the closet pig house keeper that tosses all of the crap in the walk in closet in the back of the house which happens to be mine ...the kind where you can't even shut the door, let alone open it ...for fear you might be buried.)

So here is my challenge to myself .. LOTS OF CLEANING IN THE NEAR FUTURE. I'm oozing with happiness just thinking about what's going down tonight... after the pistols 'hit the hay'. They might be going to bed early ... VERY early. Is 5pm to early? Anyone?

Cheers to me, and my new found love of cleaning ...(and my budget that is about to go through the roof when Dr. Teats comes home on a regular basis to a spotless house.)

DUI'S ARE FOR LOSERS, BUT CUI ...SERIOUSLY... FREAKIN' GENIUS. Now the trick is the pistols. It's gonna be tempting friends, not to 'CLEAN' ALL DAY LONG.

All smiles,
M.F.

WAS IT REALLY...

a Happy Mothers Day??? :) It had potential ...and started off well. Really it did.

We are all blessed aren't we? Yes. I have great kids...am so blessed to be a mom. I also have a wonderful mom we honored today. I even love my mother in law (this time around...anyhow.) The bottom line is, life ain't a picnic in this MANSION on mother's day - I mean - OF COURSE THE MOCHA ARRIVED RIGHT ON SCHEDULE this morning like clock work... the pistols ran into the bathroom with their adorable cards and traced hand prints... :) That's a 'cute' morning ...YES?

Things were SUPER cute, until we left for church - separate vehicles because I was staying second service (yes, I'm into volunteering in the kids classes at church Y'ALL ... you CAN love Jesus, teach KIDS about Jesus, and occasionally drink and cuss, I'm living proof) ...and, all of that said... I was backing my vehicle out of the garage...and the blissful mood I was in because of the AWESOME day I knew Dr. Teats had planned for me, I handed the pistol the garage door opener and allowed her to do the "closing ...." I'd say 'YOU conclude...' but it's just so jacked up not to WRITE IT 'OUT LOUD' ... she hit the close button just as I started backing out ...the ripping and tearing I heard atop my yukon was far worse than nails on a chalk board. F BOMB IN MY HEAD... DR. TEATS IN MY REAR VIEW MIRROR HAVING JUMPED OUT OF HIS TRUCK - HANDS ON HIS HEAD...ALSO DROPPING F BOMBS, *but the 'out-loud' kind*. Unfortunately, I couldn't BLURT OUT the 'WHAT THE F WERE YOU THINKING?' that I wanted to HOLLA to the 4 yr old. So I had to settle for the banging on the steering wheel, and MOUTHING over and over - SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. shit. Seriously... shit.

The baby is saying "happy mommy??? YOU HAPPY???? HAPPY MOMMY" with loads of concern...poor little thing had the best view of me at the moment ...and she too, knew the day had just taken a turn for the worse.

Tears in the back seat, tears in the front ... Dr. Teats ...I'm pretty sure READY to cry... contemplating what would be easier ...continuing to live with us, or cutting a HUGE ASS check every month in alemony and child support. He was PISSED. I knew whatever big plans he had... had just folded.

The rest of the day is CHAOTIC ... OMG ... because you know, we're still mommies after all right? We still have the pistols to take care of, in my case...his teat-ness to take care of ...a lunch to provide for my own mom and sister ... (and their families too ...) - thus, a mess to clean up, and now chlorinated babies to bathe ...:) Sweet teats (trust me that's the Dr. NOT ME, there is nothin sweet about my teats...) actually did pull through and bathed the girls while I cleaned which is nice ... and so now, I sit, in my perch - feet up ...AIR CONDITION BLASTING ...IN MY COZY SWEATSHIRT AND LOUNGE PANTS. If only I had a mocha that wouldn't keep me up til dawn. ;)

The highlight of my day may have been my mom asking me about the lipton green tea I was serving her (aside her large serving of ice cream, chocolate syrup and strawberries smothered in sugar) ... and me letting her know that she might want to just skip the weight watchers (which she had said moments ago she was going to be starting any minute), pick up another jug of the green tea, and...she may or may not want to pick up a tube of ...

AQUAFOR.

SHE DON'T NEED NO DIET.

How was that for some mother's day advice...*not to mention exceptional grammar*??? Ehhh?

DRINK! Amen?

Cheers, to cinco de drinko ...ER, ahem, Cinco de Mayo.

And drink I shall. Even if it's late at night, after pistols are tucked in, and I'm all.by.myself.

CAN I GET AN AMEN?

I might spill my drink ...

They cut off my circulation, left big dark red circles on my thighs...

HOWEVER, my fitted, strapless, MOCHA colored dress looked adorable and slipped on like BUTTA ...

ATOP MY SPANX.

Taking them off, had a similar feeling to the exit of the placenta ...

So much pressure GONE, and I could breathe deeply again ...

THE HORROR WE GO THROUGH ... JUST TO HIDE THE MUFFIN TOP. "So why don't you just work out to lose the muffin top?" you ask? BECAUSE I MIGHT SPILL MY MOCHA. DUH.

YOU DID NOT!!!

OH, BUT I DID.

Here's the short story:

Dr. Teats and I headed out in a frenzie for a wedding ... I was frantically trying to prepare for the pistol's 4 yr old birthday party tomorrow ...before we left of course. Hopped into shower at 12:54 ..out door, with hair in cute pony (I so could have used the 'bump it' today ...) at 1:30. I got my moisturizer and mineral powder on in the house and ran. I got in Dr. Teats truck ... proceeded to finish putting my make up on ...and realized...no eye liner, no eye shadow applicator ...

So, an UNUSED tampon it was.

Worked famously.

PUNCH DRUNK LOVE..or just punchy.

YES IT'S 12:45 AND MY HAPPY ASS CAN'T SLEEP.

It may, or may not have to do with the double tall extra whip (in a grande cup so as not to short me any coffee or whip...) I drank at 'BIBLE STUDY' ....which of course turned quickly into gab fest. Don't worry it wasn't gossip...it was all TRUE. haha. No no - it was about our woes, no one else's. And don't everyone pass out that I go to bible study ... IT'S AT STARBUCKS...OF COURSE I GO ...ONLY WAY I GET OUT OF THE HOUSE ON A THURSDAY NIGHT, KID FREE, WHILST DR. TEATS LOADS (with pizza) AND CLEANS (in bubble bath) THE PISTOLS.

It's really an awesome deal. Dr. Teats will get Treats tomorrow night as he was already in bed by the time I RETURNED from my blissful evening tonight.

So this is all I have to say tonight ... I just read that Kelly McGillis...the hot chick from Top Gun ...has come out of the closet. DUH, SHE KISSED TOM CRUISE... SICK, NEXT IT WILL BE Katie Holmes. YOU WATCH. I'm pretty sure Nicole Kidman is safely hetero since she's with MR. FREAKIN' HOT PANTS HIMSELF Keith Urban. (I don't care how short that mf'er is, he's H-O-T.) Anyhoo ... Tom Cruise is as gay as the day is long ...('NO OFFENSE' to quote MISS CALIFORNIA).

This wasn't near as devastating as the "coming out" news years ago about MY BELOVED *while equally short* Ty Herndon...whom none of you have ever heard of... but, I SOLEMNLY SWEAR, I CRIED WITH HORROR. Don't worry - I didn't hook up with the dude, on his bus, after meeting he and his band, when he appeared in an outdoor concert locally, and his bus driver took to me and my friend... (work the bus driver ladies...that's the ticket...)

He only privately sang to me... "You Can Leave Your Hat On" in WHITE elasticized sweat pants and a tie-dye t shirt and Birkenstocks, and tinted blue glasses ...because while he was wearing his SMOKIN', DELIGHTFULLY, HOT...black leather tight ass pants and HOT PEC-TIGHT TSHIRT on stage during his performance, he chose NOT to perform... "You Can Leave Your Hat On" which was what I went for in the first place. Gay. Gay. Gay. Clearly I'd smuggled one too many Vodkas into my "7/11 Big Gulp" of "LEMONADE" at the "alcohol free concert" ...because HOW ELSE DO YOU NOT DO THE MATH AT THAT POINT.

What a dumb ass.

Which, quite frankly, I think is better than a NUMB ass.

I'm just saying.

I'm sorry, it isn't JUST transportation ...

I had better LOVE the car I drive for the amount of money we drop a month in payments on the damn thing. And, I do. I love my car. From many years of Buick Skylarks, and 25 yr old firebirds... I finally, love my car.

On my way back from droppin' off birthday cupcakes for the pistol at preschool, I saw a woman rockin' a MINT green metallic Ford Expedition ... can someone tell me who goes to the Ford dealership, and says to her husband ..."I want the mint green one ...that's my favorite color ...GOTTA.have.it." Borderline U.S. Forestry government VEHICLE.

She was proud too... "student of the month" stickers on the bumper and all ...

I love me a cute Expedition ... in a variety of colors... great vehicle...but I don't care what kind of deal she got ... it wasn't worth it.

Oh well, at least it wasn't a mint green Town and Country...guess I can cut her SOME slack.

On the other hand, mint green would suit a T&C FAMOUSLY so that might just rock.

Alright enough from Mocha Bitch today...the bazooka calls from her slumber ... 'HEY! MOM! GET ME!'

Mochas, Wine and more Crack ...

I blew myself away and was out the door at 8:30 ...got my, DUH...mocha..and then took the pistols to the grocery store. I asked the 4 year old what we should make daddy for dinner ...

"WINE MOMMY ....WINE."

She knows her daddy all, too, well.

On a side note ...my mom just got back from visiting my oldest sister in Nashville...said she ate at a place called the "Puffy Muffin ..." Sounds like my kind of place...

That, or The Numby Assycrack.

Here a crack, there a crack everywhere a crackcrack...

Old Macdonald had a farm...and I'm pretty sure most days I belong on it...

So - you ever go to a nice restaurant...and you could just kick the chipper server in the ass? Not cute, not funny, not that good...but chipper. Tries to make a joke ...you all stare. Damn...it's annoying. Had a great evening with some of my favorita's to hang out with... but the SERVER ... good Lord...DROVE ME NUTS.

My tour guide this weekend, however, atop the double decker red bus... being completely inappropriate, making HORRID, fun of harmless, innocent folks on the street... from jokes about the 4/20 marijuana fest, or smoking crack in 'un-named' bars... to poor little guy showing ass crack in China Town...I was cackling non stop ... he wasn't even really trying...he was just BEING... THAT'S THE KIND OF FUNNY I LIKE.

I'm finding I just like to laugh at anything related to CRACK. Does that about sum me up? I sure do talk about it a lot...

Too bad mine's numb...apparently.

Crack Freak.

The shopping extravaganza....

Ok ...best shopping trip EVER ...so fun. Lots of great stuff ... I'll see if I can post some pics of the favorites... (not today.)



Highlight was SHOCKINGLY not the shopping, but seeing Wicked ... HOLY SMOKES ... such a great show - we all loved it...(and of course I especially loved the Bailey's BEFORE the show ...). Not a group of drinkers ... so my lemon drop was described as "Lemonade like" and my Bailey's was described ... "hot chocolate esque" haha. Why does that make me laugh? Also had dinner one night atop Macy's at the Cheesecake Factory our table overlooking Union Square ... where we were served some little balls of happiness and joy called "Macaroni and Cheese balls" ...OH SWEET JESUS...good thing I did the jean madness PRIOR to the dinner... And the last morning we actually bought tickets for a double decker tour bus and rode from Union Square (shopping mecca) and got a little San Fran history on our way to Pier 39 and Fisherman's Wharf where we goofed around and ..YUP YOU GUESSED IT ...ATE SOME MORE. :) So easy, so fun, so relaxed...no drama. Good girls.



I was only really disturbed once ... when this really emaciated size 00 mom, was in Saks with her size 18, nine year old daughter, who was whining because she couldn't find the "True Religion" section ...that's just downright wrong ... I was so livid. Ain't no way on earth that cute not-so-little girl could squeeze into TR's...and then the mom dragged her into the lingerie section ... and this emaciated mom - KID YOU NOT - was getting HERSELF some spanx ... SICK.AND.WRONG. Absolutely ruined my ....uh, minute. Because then it was all about me again, finding MY size in True Religions...which was near impossible itself. :) *Unsuccessful by the way* Settled for the boyfriend cut, faded and torn, AG's at Anthro. I'm sure I'll know I made the right decision during my next cycle when I'm bloated...

And today back to reality ... the highlight so far has been an 80 yr old man, sitting in a turn lane on a goofy little bike ...helmet, biking shorts, biking shirt and all ... (grateful for biking shorts cause I sure as hell didn't want to see the dude's crack) out at 8am for a power ride ... BITING, HIS NAILS, WHILE HE WAITED FOR THE LIGHT TO TURN GREEN... How does one have the discipline after 80 years to get in that gettup and ride a bike, ON A MAIN ROAD I MIGHT ADD, and yet, HE STILL BITES HIS NAILS. Weird. I always thought if you were discliplined you were disciplined (which clearly I'm not so I don't understand it anyhow ...)

Gots to go now ... the bazooka and I are busy eating CHEETOS... :)

Life is good. Sorry no gross funnies today ...well there are, but they involve scabs and puss and no one wants to hear about that... DO THEY? lol.

Happy Tuesday... queen bestie arrives FROM OREGON at my house in 3 days... WHOO HOO!

Out of the mouths of ...'not-so-babes'

Tonight Dr. Teats and I had an interesting little heart to heart post-3-glasses-o-wine ... "So I want to ask you a question...." (in other words he had his 6am bible-study dude meeting this morning) ..."Do you want to know the details of the ins and outs of my day ...like, where I am, who I saw, what went down? Because (insert dude he meets with) says his wife doesn't give a crap about that- doesn't want to hear about it - so they don't talk about it...."

My reply ..."yes, as a matter of fact I do want those details - that interests me, because it's part of you ...which is part of us, and of course, I want to know what's going down..." (why didn't I just stop there....because I couldn't, that's not how I roll, I run my mouth if you hadn't noticed...) "and furthermore...IT WOULD BE FREAKING AWESOME IF YOU'D ASK ME SOMETIME ABOUT THE INS AND OUTS OF MINE...I'M JUST SAYING..."

Damn, when will I learn to hold my tongue. Poor guy was TRYING SO HARD...BLESS.HIS.HEART.

Sincerely,
The big mouthed mocha freak...
P.S. leave for San Fran tomorrow - big shopping trip... DON'T WORRY - I PACKED SOME UNDERWEAR.

A little announcement ...

I know all of you have spotless houses, ready for visitors at all hours of the day...I however, do NOT. As I was sitting in pain ...chips all over the carpet from said gourmet dinner I provided last night ... toys EVERYWHERE ... sitting on my perch a NO-SHOWERED MESS, kids a NO-DRESSED MESS ... Dr. Teats was about to make a very special, LITTLE, casual annoucement...you know the kind, the 'NO BIG DEAL KIND... JUST THOUGHT YOU'D WANT TO KNOW KIND..."

The background is, he's just started a new business, and the computer guru I've never met before flew in from Iowa to set everything up ... the place is 3 miles from here so what is the big announcement you ask? Dr. Teats getting a GENIUS idea for his new computer friend to come secure our network at HOME ...you know, SINCE HE'S IN THE AREA AND ALL MIGHT AS WELL MILK HIM FOR ALL HE'S WORTH... I got the annoucement approximately 4 minutes and 20 seconds before the guru was to arrive at my front door and parade through the house to the OFFICE...

EYE YI YI. I guess we're only on marriage year 7 ... I have a lot more training to do don't I?

I ran around like a mad woman ... scurrying about throwing toys in the pistols bedrooms, dishes in the oven, because of course the dishwasher hadn't been emptied, making a bed (that you can see in the master bedroom as you're walking to the 'OFFICE' ... ) AND WHAT IS DR. TEATS MUMBLING? "I don't know what the big deal is - he's just going to be in my office.... what are you all worried about?"

Need I say more? NEED I SAY MORE.

Good thing there is a HUGE shopping trip around the corner ...and I have A LITTLE ANNOUNCEMENT OF MY OWN...it just got HUGER...I'm just saying.

What's for dinner?

Quite frankly...nothing.

Dr. Teats is off to his weekly "Bird on Point" fest ...(alright, trap shoot at the local gun club) and instead of flipping him bird on point as he walked out the door...

I took a vicodin.

I just bought Beverly Hill's Chihuahua on demand.

I have a small bag of cheetos.

The pistol has a small bag of BBQ.

The bazooka has small bag of cool ranch.

There will be no cooking. There will be no baths. There will be one more movie. And there will be a whole lot of Mocha Freak sitting on her perch SHINGLING.

Painfully yours,
M.F.

The pistol has a big mouth like her momma....

Sitting in my church bathroom Easter Sunday ... had to make a quick stop...(as usual). I chose to take the pistol in with me so she could go potty before children's church as well so I wouldn't get called out mid service (as usual). She's grabbing "herself", doing the potty dance, (because Lord knows, I couldn't wait for her to go first) looks at me, crinkles up nose, and announces...WITH EXCELLENT PROJECTION:

"mommy, you smell STINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNKY....YOU HAVE A STINKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKY BOOTIE DON'T YOU..."

Oh, the glare...if looks could have killed.

p.s. I have shingles. Things are supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

(please don't post on my facebook wall about the shingles...a few looky lou's around here like to stir up drama about such things...you know the type.)

RIPPED OFF

I'm pissy today, so only two things:

1)It totally annoys me when I've just taken the biggest crap in the world (oh, and you all know that's been REGULAR around here since said Gall Bladder surgery...) and there is an empty roll of tp. DAMN, you know who. Is it not a given, when you RIP OFF THE LAST SQUARE YOU RESTOCK? CRAP! (No pun intended.)

2) I went to Michaels (craft store) to get some baskets and goodies for the pistols for Easter ...and you will NOT believe what I came across on aisle 5...

TURQUOISE BEADS, DARLING SILVER CROSS...TOTALING: $14.50
NOT.EVEN.SORTA.JOKING. If I am doing my math correctly ... Dr. Teats over paid the local dairy club by exactly $335.50 all to satisfy the M.F. But seriously - I could have made this damn thing myself??

Let's not anyone tell Dr. Teats.

Muffin top spring preview ...

Don't anyone pass out, but I do love to volunteer when I can ... and today was soooo cool. I volunteered at an egg hunt for blind children where the kids hunt for eggs in a big field ... they are marked with balloons though and have beepers going....THE coolest event I've seen in a long time.

My job today (since they didn't trust me in the field with the kids evidently) was at a station that was doing hand prints in paint where you paint the child's hand, spread the fingers to look like ears and hand print on paper ... and then we added grass (basket filler) and a cloud (cotton balls) ..so the kids got to feel all of the textures of things ... unbelievable the smiles on these kids faces.

I have to admit I had a laugh or two when one of the volunteers had just stepped in to help with the grass part and hands the kid the grass and goes "Ok put it on ..." EYE YI YI ... she can't see you dumb ass - REMEMBER THAT'S THE POINT OF THIS LITTLE EVENT. LOL. Kinda funny.

ANYHOO ... good day...came home to the babysitter by the pool with the kids ... the baby had a leopard suit on that was the older sisters but she never wore so has hung in the room as decor b/c it was too cute (and the nursery has leopard...of course it does ha) and the pistol had on the bottoms (ONLY) of a suit that were in her underwear drawer AND HOT PINK WATERWINGS. haha. The poor babysitter ... it's only MARCH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD - I haven't done my spring cleaning out closets and drawers and regorganized with the summer wardrobes and sizes yet ...WHAT A SIGHT TO SEE.

She did call and ask if they could sit inside the pool fence ... which made me nervous as it was ...so you think I'd have freaked out, but man - I enjoyed walking into happy kids, LATHERED IN SUNSCREEN I MIGHT ADD happy babysitter, and the house wasn't tore up because they were OUTSIDE FROM THE TIME I LEFT. Big tip for babysitter...(in addition to the great pay and venti mocha frap that's a given when she babysits or cleans :)_)

Where is Dr. Teats on this fine Saturday you ask? Stuck in Dallas Fort Worth Airport ... he missed his connecter to Los Angeles because they couldn't get the weight balanced on the lawn dart from Lubbock to Dallas ... and he's on ME about weight. Geesh. He was LIVID ...but between you and me, bet it was his side that was LEAAAAAAAAAAAAANING to the left. I'm just saying.

So, now I'm off, to a family birthday party, (his side) with the pistols, by myself .... and have been left a v/m from DFW airport...to BRING MY SUIT and the kids' suits ... B/C HE GOT A PHONE CALL FROM HIS COUSIN THAT THE PISTOLS HAVE BEEN INVITED TO SWIM AT THIS SHING DING ... AND HE'S NOT GONNA BE THERE TO SWIM WITH THEM.

Need I say more? SHIT. shit.shit.shit.

At least it started as a good day, never said it was going to end that way ...

Toodles,
M.F.

Mocha freak throwin' you a bone ...

My top 10 tips for you ...things MOCHA FREAK LOVES...:)

1.Hempz lotion (TO, DIE FOR.)

2.L'oreal Vulimnious (the BRIGHT yellow tube) Mascara

3. Arbonne Lipsaver SPF 30

4. Restoration Hardware ...SILVER SAGE ANYTHING ...the most soothing color E-V-E-R. (great paint color for a bathroom - totally soothing and spa like)

5. Beaulieu Vineyard (BV) Zinfandel (Napa) ...Red Zin ...

6. My True Religions ...style = Emma

7. Ray-bans ...(oh yes, back to the 80's baby ... he he) style 3361 in the brushed gold

8. My B.O.C. (off shoot of BORN) wedges ...style "Junia" in gold

9. Sensa Pens ...B/C I'M A PEN WHORE.

10. My personalized preppy travel mug, and ALL THINGS MONOGRAM CHIC .... check her out AT http://www.monogramchick.com/ - she's smart, funny, and has some DARLING things for you to personalize for yourself ...or your friends! MOTHERS DAY IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER GIRLFRIENDS...:) She's got a giveaway going for another 3 hours but keep checking back with her - she has always got somethin' goin' down ...

(this list does not include the obvious triple grande extra whip cream mocha and glacier blue KITCHEN AID MIXER ... duh...these are givens.)

Milk 'em for all their worth

"Dr. Teat's Dutch temper = things look up for Mocha Freak 101":

A)Big fight due to hot tempered Dutchman's foul mouth = No nookie.



B) No nookie = Dr. Teats kisses my ass until he gets 'some'.



C) Dr. Teats kissing my ass = cute new clothes from business trip, the dishes done for me and pistols bathed while I sit on my ass, feet up and read Coastal Living. And a larger than life check for my "extra expenditures" while he's gone (AGAIN) for the next 3 days.



D) Exhibit C = BRING ON THE FIGHT DR. TEATS ... IT WAS WELL WORTH IT.



And to think, he thought he was gonna get some 1 day of no talking plus 3 days of business trip - DUH ...EXNAY ON THE NAY-NAY ... silly, silly boy. He's the one who has "Milk 'em for all they're worth" ...as his business slogan... bless his heart. I'm just being a submissive wife and doing as my husband says ...AND SO, I SHALL MILK, AS HE SAYS.

Innocently,
M.F.

Large, dark, circles ...

Nope friends, not the kind you will find under my eyes on a DAILY.

I thought I was being funny at dinner tonight, when my almost 4 year old giggles like crazy and says ...

(ARE YOU SITTING?)...

"MOM, YOU ARE HILAREOLAS ..."

Dr. Teats let out a guffaw and then asked her to say it again just to be sure ...

"HILAREOLAS ..."

Crap, I wish they were HIGH.

And so, my day (almost) ends, on that lovely note.

Eye yi yi ...

M.F.

An Extra Large clearly not in charge ...

...of the buying at Banana Republic.

So I was in Banana this weekend ... picked up a cute turquoise top (to go with my new turquoise necklace b/c you know that's how I roll - buy the accessory and then buy clothes to match...). So I wanted it in black too ...but...

Can someone please tell me ... why in a world of fatties like me ...there are always 10 extra smalls and no larges? Seriously ... haven't they gotten a clue yet when they buy? I mean we are in the land of cows ...Dairyland ... and LORD KNOWS WE NEED A CUPCAKE WITH OUR TALK GLASS OF MILK. We ain't gonna be buyin' the damn extra smalls, because I can guarantee you there will be no cutting back on comfort food as far as I can see ...I'M JUST SAYIN'.

For crying out loud people ...get a clue. Stop letting the size double 0's do the ordering.

Gotta go pick up the pistol ...AND TAKE HER FOR AN ICE CREAM ...haha.

M.F.

I LOVES ME SOME MUFFIN TOP ...

UNFORTUNATELY DR. TEATS DOES NOT.

I baked cupcakes for the pistol to decorate with frosting and sprinkles today ... because she's really into frosting and sprinkles ...

So is her momma.

I just ate 3 muffin tops, off of 3 cupcakes... in.a.row.

And I wonder why I have a muffin top.

Maybe I should change my name to Muffin Top Freak.

Damn good thing Dr. Teats is with the cows in Wisconsin this week because a)I'm pretty sure the women are heftier back there and b)I've got 4 more days to lose 4 lbs that I put on in one day.

SO busted

I'm so busted ...I got called out - two nights in a row blogging doped up on triple grande extra whip ... tomorrow night you won't be so unlucky - I promise...I'll tame down. Tonight however, I may, or may not, need a white padded room and a straight jacket.

M.F.

Fat ass Barbie ... are ya with me????

I said it on my facebook but I'll say it again ... because I'm still PISSED that my 3 year old told me my stomach is getting bigGER last night ... and then had the nerve to ask me tonight, in passing of course if I was having another baby. I swear it's these damn barbies ... totally ruining it for some of us. Not the skinny, big boobed bitches but the rest of us normal ones. There is so much push on green this and that and healthy body image, well then why in the hell is Barbie a double d, with a 25 inch waist and no hips, with long perfect legs and not a wrinkle or vericose vein to be had ... BECAUSE THAT'S SOOOO REALISTIC. Does this not encourage botox, lipo, plastic surgery and anorexia? LOL. EYE YI YI.

And don't even get me started on Ken and his 'package' ...seriously.

Let's see a big girl Barbie (ok honestly I want her to be named fat-ass barbie) ... with fries instead of a horse, perhaps a mocha frappuchino Barbie ... reading "Us" and addicted to facebook. With a muffin top please. Perhaps carrying a baby with a saggy diaper. Boy sorry this is getting too specific isn't it? haha. She can be HEALTHY OF COURSE ... I don't even really care if she's got normal sized boobs but does her middle have to be the size of MY MIDDLE FINGER? Lord have mercy. And how 'bout a Ken with a receding hair line, and a beer belly, with a remote in one hand, and his other hand down his pants ... no corvette, but a lazy boy, and a 50 inch flat screen with an ESPN on it ... BECAUSE THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS REALITY. Well, ok, not for all of you ... I know at least a couple of you have freakin' ripped husbands with abs to die for who substitute a beer for a Figi water while watching ESPN, but, those two of you, also don't have the muffin top like me. You're the twigs in the bunch that think you're fat but you're really teeny and gorgeous, BUT YOU SWEAR YOU'RE ADDICTED TO MCDONALDS FRENCH FRIES AND CONFESS EATING PINTS OF BEN AND JERRYS IN THE DARK WHEN NO ONE'S LOOKING ... lol. YAH YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE ...HOT HUSBANDS ... and you're smokin' hot too - matter of fact you guys are who Ken and Barbie are modeled after (minus the double D's, the horse and the corvette perhaps).

Clearly I'm stereo typing ...I just think it's lame that Ken and Barbie are who my kids are comparing Dr. Teats and I too ... oh, well in our house actually it's Prince Philip and Belle... same idea. *and duh I know the two don't go together but it's who she's obsessed with so it's who we have...* It's so twisted that the Pistol announced at dinner a couple of nights ago - that she is ecstatic for our next trip to Disneyland, but she knows daddy is SUPER 'essited' too ... because he's going to see his GIRLFRIEND ...BELLE. WTF???? Speaking of a big package ...I can see it now... as Belle sits on Dr. Teats lap for a photo op at the Princess Faire. There will be an eighth NOT-SO-DWARF NAMED POKEY. (Eye roll.) I hope he gets that he's the Beast in that little love affair ...

Barbie, Belle, whoever and their boyfriends Ken and Philip, can all kiss my fat ass, and BIG STOMACH TO BOOT. I can't wait til the pistol starts in on Dr. Teats and his PARTS.

I'M SO OVER THE SCRUTINY. I need to ask the Pistol for some pole dancing lessons ...maybe I could lose the gut, AND STEEL DR. TEATS (A.K.A. THE BEAST) ATTENTION AWAY FROM 'BELLE'.

Fondly,
F.A.M.F. (you figure it out.)

PRECIOUS BELLY LAUGHS ...

So today was an interesting day ... the background is...one of my BFF's and I had baby girls 2 weeks apart ... #2 for both of us ... our due date was the same... Sept 16th - we even did our diabetes test in all of it's thick, liquidy nastiness ...sat there for 3 hours and she picked my baby girl's name that day (while looking at magazines of course haha...). For the record - she PASSED I FAILED DAMN IT. Whatever I only gained 9 lbs due to my freaking graham cracker and peanut butter diet. Our baby girls were born close, weaned close, same personalities, grew almost identically - both being off the charts - above 100% in height (another Dutch blooded BIG girl ...) so it had been fun to watch them grow.

We were at a burger joint on a Friday almost 4 weeks ago... laughing at the girls eating fries and ranch dressing ...both 'lil PIGLETS while their older siblings are light eaters ...her daughter, much better behaved and sitting nicely in her high chair while mine was running amok ...



On the next day, Saturday, I got the call that her sweet pea had been at the babysitters and "FELL OFF THE BED" per the babysitter (I'll fill you all in on that later) but anyway - the little darlin' passed away 4 days later - brain dead, horribly bruised up body, fractured skull and three layers of hemorrhaged retinas - they had to make the decision to pull her off of life support. So it's been 4 weeks or so, but today she and her son JJ came up and we went to the local bounce house party place ...Boingos ...just for some fun, relaxation, deep fried disgustingness and a place behind closed doors in another town where everyone wasn't staring at her or asking HOW SHE WAS ...uggg. Anything I asked her - all she could reply was with a deep sigh "I don't care ..." I mean seriously - who could care at this point right? After you have to decide to pull the plug on your baby, decide whether to donate her organs or keep them to have a very CRITICAL autopsy ...what kind of flowers at the memorial service, who shall we have sing "I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me, decide what color the 3 foot casket is going to be, and whom of your friends husbands shall carry your 18 month baby girl to her grave... sheesh - does she want pizza, mozzarella sticks or chicken strips - SERIOUSLY ... she didn't care.



The thing of it is ...it's a TRAGIC situation - but we're trying to keep things as normal as possible for the little guy ... (and her) - so of course she showed up and I graced her with an iced grande caramel macchiato one pump vanilla ... we raced off to "Boingos" where I had to run to the bathroom right after I handed over my Visa to pay our way in, and of course I had to blow it out the back ... I came back out looking white as a ghost because a) I barely made it and b) my ass HURT LIKE HELL AND I NEEDED SOME AQUAFOR. My bff says to me "boy, and I thought I had bad diarrhea lately ...." WE BELLY LAUGHED. That was good.



It got better ... I was buying the little guy everything he wanted - DUH OF COURSE I WAS :) ... rubber lizards, and rubber frogs ...a turtle - a bunch of crap. The kids were having a ball and no one was there - just us. We're chillin' out after our greasy lunch - and my little bazooka is M.I.A. ... the two older kids - we had track of - we thought it was safe ...and all of a sudden there she is - in all of her 18 months - not climbing out of a crib this time - but at the TOP, OF THE STEEPEST EFFING SLIDE - 15 STEPS UP (20 ft up?) ... WAY OUT OF HER LEAGUE ... we had pulled away the step so she couldn't even get to the base but she'd drug the step over in a matter of seconds unbeknownst to us ... and there she sat ...shit eatin' grin ...with a flashing pacifier that she'd demanded from the toy bin minutes earlier ... I knew I couldn't get to her ... she was so high up ...it was either about to be sheer bliss or sheer disaster ...



BLISS.IT.WAS. OMG. The thing turned herself onto her tummy as she'd only 'WATCHED' the big kids do ...and slid down like nobody's business giggling all the way down.

Again ...we BELLY LAUGHED (right after I caught my breath and made sure I didn't just spell "h.e.l.p" in my panties or perhaps, a more realistic depiction would be "o.h.m.y.L.O.R.D.NO!" squirting down my legs ... seriously... we know it wouldn't have been a four letter lump of anything today.)



So at this point, Mocha Freak in all of her glory, thought it would be wise ...to follow up after the lil Bazooka - I mean - she did have first timers luck ... but if you knew her you'd know the likelihood of that again was slim to none ... so I follow her up ... (let's not forget - arse still en fuego) ...get to the top ...she about sprints out of my hands to the top and is STANDING ..I manage to get her to sit on her doop ... and get her on my lap ... WE FLY DOWN ...OH SWEET JESUS DID WE FLY ... but when we hit the bottom and came to a SCREECHING HALT ... BABY LAUGHING ...MOMMA NOT SO MUCH ... I HAD 'JEANS ENEMA' ... SICK ...IT HURT...SO FREAKING BAD ... my bff is sitting at the bottom ...watching my face - and knows ED ZACHARY why I'm looking at her cross eyed and holding my breath ... tears...



"NEED SOME AQUAFOR?" she asks? Another Belly Laugh ..I told her I needed the jaws of life to pull my pants out of my ass. It was her turn next ...ain't no way I was going through that agony again. Watching her climb up and fly down with little-orneriness was equally humerous ... I think we both beat the weight limit on that stupid thing but the Boingos hostess with the mostess "turned her eye" ...thank da Lawd. he he.



So, although this isn't ass crass as usual ...it was just a good reminder to me ... that even in the midst of SHIT ...and I do mean the darkest, DEEPEST, NASTIEST SHIT you could imagine in your worst nightmares ...this girl still managed to belly laugh. At my expense of course ... but it was all worth it. :)



We left, bloated, with 25000 rubber lizards, frogs, snakes and some BLINKING pacifier ...with a sore ass crack and sweat beads on my Bff's nose ... she probably hadn't sweat that bad since the funeral 3 weeks ago - GIRL GOT A WORK OUT CHASING THE BAZOOKA. And while I know she'd rather have been taking her own little baby girl down the KILLER slide, or seeing her own little baby girl at the top and losing her breath ...she managed to make my baby girls day better ... on behalf of my BIG.SORE.BUTT. Precious moments, precious belly laughs ...ODD DESCRIPTIVE - but that's what they were...precious belly laughs.



It was a good day. A GOOD DAY IN THE LIFE OF MOCHA FREAK. :)



AND LORD KNOWS I NEEDED A GOOD, M.F. DAY. :)



Hope you had a good one too.



Off to lube up ...

Princess Poop escapes from her cage ...DAMN.IT.

The little Bazooka just crawled out of her crib ...for the first time ... which I thought was a huge deal and totally threw me for a loop, until she outdid that trick by pulling off her diaper, announcing she had to 'POOP MOMMA' and ran to her big sister Pistol's bathroom ...I helped her on the potty BECAUSE SHE WAS TRYING TO CRAWL UP THERE HERSELF ...and pooped. She grunted, and POOPED. WTF.

SERIOUSLY ...WTF. What's next ...she'll be mixing my stockholm royale's for me? Hope so ...I could use one.

Over and out,
M.F.

Nyquil anyone?

Y'all think I had a hang over this morning after that post last night, but I SO DIDN'T ... my eyes were admittedly a SMIDGE, puffy ...but other than that lookin' and feelin' like a million bucks. :) And, after all, I had a 10:30 church service to be at ... sermon on RECOVERY ... duh, couldn't miss that one! Sporting the new turquoise and cross necklace for all my friends to see, had NOTHING to do with my hopping out of bed ON TIME, with no help from Starbucks or Dr. Teats to get out of bed and get going. he he he. Ask me how many compliments I got on that FREAKING AWESOME NECKLACE...

Too many to count... :)

Somewhere between "HOPPING OUT OF BED" and the wardrobe selection I must have forgotten about my new found morning motivator ...because I got dressed, was rockin' very cute jeans, (in other words, make legs look thinner, longer, ass look smaller and less FLAT AND WIDE) and a cute top ... cute new gold wedges ...and then DAMN - CUTE AS THIS OUTFIT IS, CAN'T WEAR THE NEW NECKLACE. So, I had to wear a way less cute outfit, unplanned, just to sport the new jewels. haha. I love writing things like this because it's so hideous to 'say it out loud' (that's for you say it out loud) and YES, I sit here smirking because I know all can relate.

I'm sure I'll be buying outfits for this stupid necklace for weeks to come ...

For tonight ... I only have one small prayer...for there is no buzz, which means the monitor will not "happen to get turned off" ... that the babies sleep ...and sleep well...and don't come sauntering to the side of the bed with the nigh nigh and whimpering "I can't sleep ...." - because girls - I'm so over the 12 year old full sized mattress with NON-LAVENDAR colored sheets ... in the fuschia and lime green room, where the lamp HAS TO BE ON ...I get kicked all night and do.not.sleep. Ugggg.

I am in love, with my new bed... the new Tempur-Pedic ... that Dr. Teats was practically forced to buy in a matter of hours, when the new FOUR POSTER KING SIZED BED ARRIVED (don't worry - posts are wide, don't think the pistol will break them practicing) and it was an Eastern King, as opposed to a Cal King ...which is the size of the 3 year old Sealy Posturepedic mattress that we have ...(haha now had). Yup - true story ...beautiful new furniture ... the whole set ... and the mattress didn't fit ... but the GOOD NEWS IS ...I now have my OWN SIDE OF THE BED, WITH IT'S OWN CONTROLS ...YES CONTROLS ... remind me to tell you about THOSE ...tomorrow.

I'm off to catch some zzzzz's...on IT. :) Might have been Cran/GG last night ...but I'm thinkin' - Nyquil, will help me get my z's...hehe. Amen to Tempur-pedic. LOL.

Night night...M.F.

Dairy Delight

Listen ...the bottom line is, I've been slacking. But to be frank, there hasn't been a whole lot funny in my life lately but actually a lot of HORRIBLE - thus, the MF'n blog drought. I'm sure I'll get to my many woes and down right tragedies at some point but it's neither the time nor the place, because you don't look to this blog for that shit, you look to it for laughs, so that I shall provide with DAIRY DELIGHT TONIGHT.



I remember when I was in junior high - little shack of a joint across from the school that served slushes, ice cream, shakes, fries and burgers ...we all lived for these damn things...EVERY.DAY. In fact I'm fairly certain there were 13 yr olds doing favors behind the locker rooms just to make a little extra change for a grape slush now and again. The place was called Dairy Delight.



I had a Dairy Delight tonight ... and no, it wasn't Dr. Teats doing what he does so well, or a burger or fries or grape slush at the old local hang out ...it was a lame ass steak dinner, with a silent and live auction and a Goddam NO HOST BAR ... THAT WE PAID BIG BUCKS FOR A TABLE AT ... that of course the "4th couple" conveniently didn't show up at. (you all know what I'm talking about - they say 'yes' b/c they don't know how to say no because they know it's going to suck just like you do but they can say no because they didn't buy the g.d. table. ...) for the local university (Dr Teats Masters alma mater) DAIRY CLUB.



So, if you have to know, revenge, was sweet. I HAD TO GO. I'm Mrs. Dr. Teats .. it's a given. Hate the things - gotta go. So, you all know damn well I show up looking as hot as possible ... duh, of course I do because that's how I roll... and it's a s(h)morgasboard of folks, I'd spare you the details but it's way more fun to describe a) your husbands ex who is wearing a shirt that shows her back fat and the color totally washes her out but damn her because her freaking jeans are damn cute and rock ...so we'll focus on the fugly shirt b) the family of 10 at YOUR TABLE OF 8, WITH YOUR COMPANY NAME ON IT THAT YOU HAVE PAID BIG BUCKS FOR ... that you don't know, have never seen, they speaka-no-ingles, each have 15 pieces of linguisa on their cake-sized appetizer plates and the 'head of the family' is sporting a Dallas Cowboys baseball cap (totally inappropriate by the way, however, lucky, b/c that damn hat is the only reason Dr. Teats didn't go kick his freaking ass for sitting at our table DAMN IT ... ) c) the token woman that is just so jacked up that you can't not make fun of her - you smell her perfume from your table 5 tables over, her big, overgrown roots hair, too tight shirt, too tight shoes, (oh DON'T even act like I'm being a bitch right now - because you know what too tight shoes look like ... with skin puffing out the top of the ballet flat ...and the muffin top that does.not.quit.muffining) d) the bar tender at the portuguese hall this shing ding is held at that acts like he's never seen a cute chick with huge boobs before ...GAWD, IF HE STARED AT MY GIRLFRIEND ANY HARDER I'D HAVE DECKED HIM, however the drinks were stong so amen to her huge ta-tas ... or e) THE FREAKIN' HUSSIES THAT WERE BIDDING AGAINST ME ON THE CUTEST-TURQUOISE-BEADED-STERLING-CROSS-NECKLACE-EEEEEEEEEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR at the silent auction ... I mean have I told you about the near fight I got in over a Roomba at the Rotary Club Auction? WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THESE PEOPLE????



So seriously ... I'd had 5 Grey Goose/Cranberries already - wasn't NOTHIN' gonna stop me from getting this DARLING necklace. (I will be so lucky if I make it through this without full out dropping the F bomb) I'm totally getting pissed because these two girls are hovering like UFO's eye-spying a Roswell Margaritaville, and I'm having to send in the big guns (hot bro-in-law to flirt with them while my hubby dives in behind them and OUT BIDS THEIR DUMB ASSES ...) SWEET JESUS ... $350 later ...I got the stupid necklace ... and then find out the dairy club president made the damn thing - probably strung it together from a 'do-it-yourself' craft box ... haha - but - IT'S CUTE, I GOT IT, DR. TEATS IN ALL HIS GLORY - PAID FOR IT...IN ALL OF IT'S DAIRY DELIGHTFULNESS.



Did you ever feel like flipping a couple of bitches double barrels to their faces? Well, I about did when they sauntered past my table moaning "I didn't even see him behind me ...WHERE DID HE EVEN COME FROM - GAWWWWWWD ...I'M SO PISSED!" I about laughed myself off my chair ... and thus ...some more...Dairy ... Delight....



No milk involved, not even so much as a damn ice cream cone, but - some good drinks, good laughs, good company, a DARLING NECKLACE ... and all, for the benefit ...of the dairy club...



CHEERS TO COWS...and Dr. Teats who lives for feeding them ...and taking me to these ridiculous functions where some days, I end up a winner in the end ... and, I was a winner in the end, ON SO MANY LEVELS... IT REALLY WAS A DAIRY DELIGHTFUL EVENING)



GO ahead, welcome me back with a loud HOO.RAY. ...all two of you. I know you missed me. :)

Fireman Pole

I heard about the funniest thing I'd heard in days ... one of my besties is a special ed teacher ... and her teaching partner was doing a unit on Lord knows What and proceeded to tell the class that my girlfriend (her Teaching partner) had a fireman pole ....(you know my mind is always in the gutter, so you can do the math and assume that my friends minds are probably in the gutter to boot SO CLEARLY she was havin' fun with it at my girlfriends expense WHICH I APPLAUD). The kids were all thrilled at the thought...until one of them called her out and said "Hey that's what some nasty girls have ..." and she had to "redirect" to the play ground or FIRE HOUSE - as opposed to HER BEDROOM. haha. I kid you not ...I laughed til I hurt picturing it go down ...



But wtf am I laughing for, I'm the one that has a dirty dancing daughter and have a four poster bed to be delivered to my bedroom next week ...AFTER I swore to all of you I could never get a bed with posts as I didn't need my bedroom being training grounds for a "college job".



Never fear though, I'm a big girl, I got wide posts ...wouldn't want them to snap in the middle of a dance I learned from my 3 year old ...



I'M JUST SAYING.



Tip for the day: GET YOURSELF A FIREMAN POLE. Damn well guarantee you'll get all the Coach bags you could want for ...



Toodles,

M.F.

Bazooka on fire ...bless her heart...

Don't worry it's not what you think but before I get to Bazooka en fuego ...Can someone please tell me, why some days, at STARBUCKS OF COURSE...is there one car in front of me, from order board to window - ONE CAR ...they receive ONE DRINK at the window and are off and it took 13 minutes and 42 seconds ... the very next day, there are 6 cars in front of me, and the two in front of me each get 5 drinks handed out one at a time passed through the window to their mini van carrying 5 kids ... and I waited 13 minutes and 41 seconds. IT MAKES NO SENSE.

Someone throw me a bone.

So obviously - I'm off to drink my mocha ... I was up all night b/c Dr. Teats thought it would be sweet to get some "good night bath wash" to help the Bazooka sleep ... she's been having a rough go of it lately - teething, cold, and eczema ... Dr. Teats didn't hear me very well when I said a. anything with lavendar not a good idea and will irritate it and b. really shouldn't use SOAP period if we don't have to every night. And so ...he snored his way off to the alarm waking him up for his monthly trip to Texas this morning ... I held a miserable baby all night and tried to balance the worse of two evils ... Benadryl to lessen the itch and take away the nasty rash but cause nose to run even MORE or Tylenol cold/cough so her nose would stop running ... Poor little thing ...and poor momma ... STILL SPORTING DARK CIRCLES AND A PUFFY FACE... MAYBE A CUTE PUFFY VEST WOULD BE CUTE WITH THE PUFFY EYES AND FACE. ?

Let's just say Dr. Teats didn't enjoy the view he had of Mocha Freak on Skype from the Dallas Fort Worth airport this morning ...

*Sigh*

TMI

The bazooka, in all of her glory, full of piss and vinegar - is standing behind the couch, on the window sill, spread eagle with a shit eatin' grin shaking her bootie up against the window back and forth to the sweet tunes of sesame street (shoot me!)...and I've decided now would be an opportune time to write a little somethin'. I have dark circles under my eyes, am in baseball cap, vintage mickey hoodie (dreaming about d-land), baggy Luckys (normally baggy jeans a good thing, AMEN? But, I'm pissed b/c they're so stinking cute when they fit, even when I'm a fat ass ... but today - not so cute as the ass sags b/c of the gall stone induced weight loss ... ) and my uggs. Last nights make up if you have to know. Hoping I'll be showered and dressed for the day by noon. I've got a sitter coming at 1pm, and shopping and dinner with the girls tonight ...(THANK YOU SWEET BABY JESUS.) Heaven forbid Dr. Teats come home a little early and let me OUT to play ...

Damn ...so although I haven't been writing I have still been reading ... BLOGS. I have to admit - it's so sick and twisted, but I read the blog of my ex's sister in law ...and while I don't think it's necessary to drop the F bomb very often ... LET ME SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS ... F-BOMB! This chic is nuts. She is like Martha Stewart meets Beth Moore (huge Christian speaker and author who I happen to love but the woman is over the top at any rate.) I obviously can't give too much detail but it's one of those blogs that you read and just go 'SHIT ...I'm a failure of a mom, wife, my husband is way more of an ass than I thought, my kids are deprived, my house is a rat hole, and my spiritual walk ...haha - HAHAHAHAHA." All I can do is laugh about that one. I am sure there are millions that find those kinds of blogs so encouraging and inspiring AND ADORE THE LITTLE TIPS ...clearly I'm just not one of them. And clearly I didn't have a chance with that mother-in-law ...haha. (that's a story for another day.) I like the sarcastic, truthful, realistic, show me how to look cute for 30 bucks kind of blogs ...that occasionally cuss the husband and.... maybe even the kids. haha. (ALTHOUGH WITH LOVE IN THEIR/OUR HEARTS ...HA.)

So ... on that note ...if I ever start getting inspirational, or tell you about the faces I made on my kids sandwiches with raisins and carrots, or show you the latest collection of 'weeds' from my garden that I have arranged in a lovely vase or wreath ... give you the most delicious recipe for pumpkin pie and a tip on how not to burn the crust ... OR FRY A DAMN EGG IN THE MIDDLE OF A PIECE OF BREAD WITH A HEART SHAPE CUT OUT ...

JUST.YELL.WHAT.THE.FBOMB.MOCHAFREAK ... SNAP OUT OF IT.

The good news is the chances of me ever getting to that place are like snow in hell ...(although she probably has a recipe for snow in hell...) but in the meantime ... so annoying. Why do I torture myself? Don't worry, I read while the pistol and bazooka are schnoozing and shout the F-bomb at a whisper as I read ... and laugh, and get sick to my stomach ... I DON'T KNOW - there is just something so intriguing about someone who just seems so UNBELIEVABLY UNREAL ... I literally go from cussing to laughing in disbelief ... with the occasional ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? To myself of course ...

Thank you Lord for sparing me a lot of really DIFFICULT HOLIDAYS WITH THOSE INLAWS ... and possibly yelling a WTF at a beautifully set Holiday table, with a perfect pie, honey roasted ham, and Holly freaking Hobby commenting on how much she L-O-V-E-S the monster-in-law's traditional salad ... placed at your setting before you sit down ...which consisted of a LARGE LEAF OF ICE BERG LETTUCE, A SLICE OF PINEAPPLE, AND A DAB OF MAYONAISSE 'ATOP' ... SHIT. YOU. NOT. Sick. Those bastards gave me extra one time because they knew how much it made me gag and all laughed their asses off as I tried to graciously shovel it in taking big swigs of water (b/c heaven forbid I drink a PEPSI for dinner ... which for the record would have been a much better chaser...nevermind the lack of MALIBU TO GO WITH IT WHICH WAS UNHEARD OF IN THAT HOUSEHOLD ...) I'm thrilled to be in the place I am now ...allowed liquor when I want it, allowed to say SHIT when I stub my toe, and not required to sing in the choir to prove my LOFTY SPIRITUAL STATUS. Phew ...what a relief. Maybe that's why I read it ... for reminder's sake ... I will say if I'm ever pissed at Dr. Teats ...straight to that blog I go and am reminded why I am here, and NOT THERE. Yikes.

Wow ... one day...if you catch me posting with a bit of a buzz, I might *just happen to* paste her blog just for shits and giggles ... then you can drop the F-bomb and get sick to your stomach with me. haha.

Do I even need to say ...I'M JUST SAYING. Wow. Talk about TMI with NO PMS.

Toodles (gag) - I have to go as it's 12:05 and I was hoping to be showered by now ...

P.s. I vow to try to be less of a bitch and funnier next time ...

M.F.