Thursday, March 22, 2012


So, I worked out today. First, I worked the mocha to my mouth. That's comparable to "curls" I'm pretty sure....yes?

Bottom line is, I didn't want to go to the trainer at 9am, and here is the problem: PISTOL drop off is at 8:15.... which means, Starbucks - 8:20 ... the issue is from 8:25, to 8:50 when I have effing 25 minutes to really think over how I'm gonna get out of the work out. And trust me, it all goes through my head, "I started." "Dr Teats needs me to take something to the accounant, AT NINE PROMPTLY" "GOTTA TAKE DOG TO VET, NINE IS THE ONLY OPTION" I mean seriously ... I'm not gonna lie, especially to my FRIENDS, but these thoughts DO cross my mind, DAILY. Really pathetic honestly. It's not really a shocker that I'm a big girl, is it now?

Needless to say, I went. Dragging ass. I went. Whining.

I'm learning to cope a little though ... by finding the fun, in fitness. hahahahahaha ...what a freakin' joke. There is nothing fun about it - I still hate it, but like yesterday for instance, this lady came into "the dark side" (that's the side with five chicks and one trainer) from the "chosen side" (one on one from the BIG shot) ... and she's probably 60 so BLESS HER HEART for being there... but my issue comes when she trots into the bathroom, on OUR side. You know what happens next. It's already like a sauna in there, I'm already dying, dripping sweat, - I didn't need any help with steam, let alone stinky steam. Torture chamber. Honest to God ... thought I might die, first of choking, then looking at one of my besties trying to do her circuit stop, doubled over laughing because we're thinking the same thing, cross eyed while we think... too much. Seriously too much... I proceeded to announce I'm bringing my own air freshener every week. JUST.IN.CASE. (cause you know Karma is a bitch, and I WAS LAUGHING MY ASS OFF, well not literally, unfortunately.)


Today, no lady in said chamber, but I made fun of myself. A lot. Like, when I was told to do 100 squats, and at 23, yelled at the top of my lungs 'NINETY NINE!!!!!' The room erupted, they all know I'm the fat one, who sweats after 3 squats and two situps, DROPS GASPY F BOMBS, and still does pushups on my knees, you know, the girl way. F em, I am a girl. A FAT GIRL WHO LOVES TO EAT, OH, AND DRINK.

So, that was fun, doing 50 situps, my friends, is NOT. It doesn't get better, I don't look forward to going, it's all a nightmare. Bottom line is, the muffin top ain't gettin' any smaller thanks to said 8:20 daily Starbucks run....and I LOVE ME SOME MOCHA, WITH, EXTRA WHIPPED CREAM BABY. I refuse to compromise the Mocha. Even if it means SQUATS IN A STINKY SAUNA.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


Let me just say ... that for me, the beauty of a good noting something significant that happens in your day or life... (or in my case year) that makes you can't just hog the tidbit all to has to be shared. So, with that said, it's on like donkey kong...I'm back. There is too much CRAP going down on daily not to be at least throwing it out there to see if anyone else might enjoy a cackle, a WTF, or an OMG, WITH me.

I won't bore you with where I've been ... suffice it to say, Dr. Teats is still obsessed with Teats, (and not mine, I might add...), the eldest pistol is really not a pistol at all...she is too nice for her own good, and the youngest one... yah, I said it when she was 1 and 1/2 and I'll say it again, pistol was an understatement. I think I called her an Oozie or Bazooka once...that MIGHT be close. We're all still living in the same house ...I'm still addicted to mochas and still have a muffin top. SURPRISE...see how much DOESN'T CHANGE? It's almost like a soap've really missed NOTHING.

Bottom line is somewhere in the last year I was going to go back to school and get a masters in marriage and family counseling... and then two things happened: 1) two of my best friends ended up going through messy marriage situations and I realized I get way too PISSED and lose all ability to think advice was usually "F... HIM, HE F....D YOU." Clearly, not the most impressive counseling. And 2) The business I'd made fun of for years... women who sold jewelry... has now become my little world aside from the Dr. and the Pistols... and has become quite the point that I don't even make fun of myself anymore let alone others. (HA!) So, one of my friends - who coincidentally didn't take my advice but is finally exhausted from the possibility of restoration, sent a text tonight asking for some advice. I gave it. We laughed hard. (because I'm phenomally philosophical and eloquent with words of wisdom... ) I then said "this is why I am not a counselor..." to which she replied "you would make a phenomenal unconventional counselor...they'd have to come up with a new name for your credentials.LMFT wouldn't cut it."

She has a point. But I'm not sure we need to change the acronym....we just might need to change it's meaning... to "lousy M F'n Therapy" provided by "Lame Mocha Freakin' Teat-less-wonder" or something to that effect. So, I'll give you the advice and tidbits you won't get at your local therapist. However... you might get a good belly laugh out of it. I think we're onto something here... something worth logging on to read. I have the friends and perhaps even followers, with unbelievable scenarios... if I could get them to give me a daily scenario or question ...I'd be happy to offer this so-called "unconventional counseling" :)

Who's in?

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Lost in facebook...

I could barely keep up with all the facebooking and blog as well ... so I had to lay off the blogging for a know, all that multitasking I can hardly get myself up off the couch and be PRODUCTIVE...

For now, I just listen to my 3 yr old go off about "I WANNA BE NAKED...." and it makes me uncomfortable. You'd think she gets it from me, but NOPE...I don't wanna be me, and no one else wants me to be naked either...

But what is it with kids... I wish I had that much "inhibition" .... (now she's standing here with a camera asking me if I want to take a picture of her and offering me a plastic piece of cheese and telling me to eat it..." and I'm trying to get her out of my way and telling her just to sit with some chips and watch TV ...(it's 10:50 practically lunch time right? nevermind that I never fed her breakfast...well, she did have a chocolate milk and old fashioned from STarbucks... after two bites she left the donut on the couch, and well, we all know what happened from there...I'm enhancing my muffin top by accessorizing with a donut.)

Enough with the rambling...I'll come back for a few days and see if it's interesting enough for anyone to read...

As a p.s. ... I informed Dr. Teats the other day that I had a blog... he thought I was joking, because after all, he doesn't think I'm funny, and why would anyone else?
So I just left it alone...:)


Sunday, October 25, 2009

Animation nation ...

I was watching Dora this morning... can someone tell me why her little friend Boots, and the other animals on the 'farm' episode this morning - including the cow, the dog, the pig...all 'look' Mexican? I mean I know she's hispanic but how in the crap do they get the animals to look Mexican? Do they not? Even the Map looks hispanic. I'm just sayin' ...

For the record ... I have a ton of hispanic friends... it's not about that - it just made me realize the characters are even animated culturally and I didn't ever notice. It made me laugh out loud when I 'saw' it...

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Boobs are shrinking, the muffin, however, is not.

Prayer time with the pistol was SUPER special tonight ... get done praying and I'm lying next to her, and she says "Mom - how big are your boobs?" I say "what?" (as opposed to WTF which is what I was thinking in my head...) She says "Your boobs aren't very big are they mom?" I say "No they are not - but why do you say that - do you know someone who has bigger ones?" She replies "Yah, (insert friends name here.)" She then goes onto say "But mom - your belly is sure big isn't it ..." With two raised eye brows and a smirk.

Damn it. Damn damn damn damn ...

Does that mean the pilates isn't working? Or I just need to cut back on the mochas... wait, don't answer, for I don't want to hear it.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Null and Void

Went and worked out tonight ...

Took care of my 'other' wifely duties. (leaving the pink tampax box out on the bathroom counter didn't work evidently ...)

Packed 3 suitcases for week long lake trip.

Sat down to facebook, and ate a bowl of Coco Puffs...

What on earth did I work out for?

Damn it.

Friday, July 24, 2009

I SUCK, but cheers to Electrolux, I know I'm crass but it's not THAT kind of post today.

Dr Teats had the new fridge delivered yesterday ...

He failed to mention, however, that he was having a washer and dryer come too. You'd think, I'd have been ecstatic ...except for the gazillion loads of laundry I was planning on doing at naptime (from week vacation, FOR week vacation) - whilst the pistols were out of my hair napping.

Nevertheless, I got over myself and welcomed my new set of Electrolux front loaders... (having quickly decluttered and delentified the laundry room in 20 minutes). I didn't pick the things, had no idea what they were capable of, didn't even ask for the suckers, BUT DAMNNNNNN I THINK I'M GONNA ENJOY LAUNDRY A WHOLE HELL OF A LOT MORE!!!

All was bliss until later in the evening ...I'm out with a girlfriend having cocktails and dinner ...Dr. Teats, home with pistols - TEXTS me..."WHERE DID YOU PUT THE CLOTHES THAT WERE IN THE DRYER?"

I laughed out loud and responded: "I checked the washer, not the dryer ... sorry!!! OOPS. Guess the clothes are on their way to habitat for humanity with the washer and dryer.... haha"

I got no LOL reply back...I'm just saying. I've told you he doesn't think I'm funny.

Lucky for me, (and Dr. Teats) MR-APPLIANCE-GUY had already intercepted them and they were nicely folded and in a box.

I'm such a freaking awesome wife ... a) Dr. Teats does his own laundry and b) Dr. Teats surprises me with new washer and dryer and I don't even bother to check to see if he's left clothes from his laundry run the night before ...c) IT ALL MAKES ME LAUGH!!! hahahaha. Horrid, horrid, horrid wife, and thus, I SUCK. (and evidently am going to be doing more of it having just received some RAD appliances...:) )

Cheers to Electrolux, (and sucking.)