TMI

The bazooka, in all of her glory, full of piss and vinegar - is standing behind the couch, on the window sill, spread eagle with a shit eatin' grin shaking her bootie up against the window back and forth to the sweet tunes of sesame street (shoot me!)...and I've decided now would be an opportune time to write a little somethin'. I have dark circles under my eyes, am in baseball cap, vintage mickey hoodie (dreaming about d-land), baggy Luckys (normally baggy jeans a good thing, AMEN? But, I'm pissed b/c they're so stinking cute when they fit, even when I'm a fat ass ... but today - not so cute as the ass sags b/c of the gall stone induced weight loss ... ) and my uggs. Last nights make up if you have to know. Hoping I'll be showered and dressed for the day by noon. I've got a sitter coming at 1pm, and shopping and dinner with the girls tonight ...(THANK YOU SWEET BABY JESUS.) Heaven forbid Dr. Teats come home a little early and let me OUT to play ...

Damn ...so although I haven't been writing I have still been reading ... BLOGS. I have to admit - it's so sick and twisted, but I read the blog of my ex's sister in law ...and while I don't think it's necessary to drop the F bomb very often ... LET ME SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS ... F-BOMB! This chic is nuts. She is like Martha Stewart meets Beth Moore (huge Christian speaker and author who I happen to love but the woman is over the top at any rate.) I obviously can't give too much detail but it's one of those blogs that you read and just go 'SHIT ...I'm a failure of a mom, wife, my husband is way more of an ass than I thought, my kids are deprived, my house is a rat hole, and my spiritual walk ...haha - HAHAHAHAHA." All I can do is laugh about that one. I am sure there are millions that find those kinds of blogs so encouraging and inspiring AND ADORE THE LITTLE TIPS ...clearly I'm just not one of them. And clearly I didn't have a chance with that mother-in-law ...haha. (that's a story for another day.) I like the sarcastic, truthful, realistic, show me how to look cute for 30 bucks kind of blogs ...that occasionally cuss the husband and.... maybe even the kids. haha. (ALTHOUGH WITH LOVE IN THEIR/OUR HEARTS ...HA.)

So ... on that note ...if I ever start getting inspirational, or tell you about the faces I made on my kids sandwiches with raisins and carrots, or show you the latest collection of 'weeds' from my garden that I have arranged in a lovely vase or wreath ... give you the most delicious recipe for pumpkin pie and a tip on how not to burn the crust ... OR FRY A DAMN EGG IN THE MIDDLE OF A PIECE OF BREAD WITH A HEART SHAPE CUT OUT ...

JUST.YELL.WHAT.THE.FBOMB.MOCHAFREAK ... SNAP OUT OF IT.

The good news is the chances of me ever getting to that place are like snow in hell ...(although she probably has a recipe for snow in hell...) but in the meantime ... so annoying. Why do I torture myself? Don't worry, I read while the pistol and bazooka are schnoozing and shout the F-bomb at a whisper as I read ... and laugh, and get sick to my stomach ... I DON'T KNOW - there is just something so intriguing about someone who just seems so UNBELIEVABLY UNREAL ... I literally go from cussing to laughing in disbelief ... with the occasional ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? To myself of course ...

Thank you Lord for sparing me a lot of really DIFFICULT HOLIDAYS WITH THOSE INLAWS ... and possibly yelling a WTF at a beautifully set Holiday table, with a perfect pie, honey roasted ham, and Holly freaking Hobby commenting on how much she L-O-V-E-S the monster-in-law's traditional salad ... placed at your setting before you sit down ...which consisted of a LARGE LEAF OF ICE BERG LETTUCE, A SLICE OF PINEAPPLE, AND A DAB OF MAYONAISSE 'ATOP' ... SHIT. YOU. NOT. Sick. Those bastards gave me extra one time because they knew how much it made me gag and all laughed their asses off as I tried to graciously shovel it in taking big swigs of water (b/c heaven forbid I drink a PEPSI for dinner ... which for the record would have been a much better chaser...nevermind the lack of MALIBU TO GO WITH IT WHICH WAS UNHEARD OF IN THAT HOUSEHOLD ...) I'm thrilled to be in the place I am now ...allowed liquor when I want it, allowed to say SHIT when I stub my toe, and not required to sing in the choir to prove my LOFTY SPIRITUAL STATUS. Phew ...what a relief. Maybe that's why I read it ... for reminder's sake ... I will say if I'm ever pissed at Dr. Teats ...straight to that blog I go and am reminded why I am here, and NOT THERE. Yikes.

Wow ... one day...if you catch me posting with a bit of a buzz, I might *just happen to* paste her blog just for shits and giggles ... then you can drop the F-bomb and get sick to your stomach with me. haha.

Do I even need to say ...I'M JUST SAYING. Wow. Talk about TMI with NO PMS.

Toodles (gag) - I have to go as it's 12:05 and I was hoping to be showered by now ...

P.s. I vow to try to be less of a bitch and funnier next time ...

M.F.