I heard about the funniest thing I'd heard in days ... one of my besties is a special ed teacher ... and her teaching partner was doing a unit on Lord knows What and proceeded to tell the class that my girlfriend (her Teaching partner) had a fireman pole ....(you know my mind is always in the gutter, so you can do the math and assume that my friends minds are probably in the gutter to boot SO CLEARLY she was havin' fun with it at my girlfriends expense WHICH I APPLAUD). The kids were all thrilled at the thought...until one of them called her out and said "Hey that's what some nasty girls have ..." and she had to "redirect" to the play ground or FIRE HOUSE - as opposed to HER BEDROOM. haha. I kid you not ...I laughed til I hurt picturing it go down ...
But wtf am I laughing for, I'm the one that has a dirty dancing daughter and have a four poster bed to be delivered to my bedroom next week ...AFTER I swore to all of you I could never get a bed with posts as I didn't need my bedroom being training grounds for a "college job".
Never fear though, I'm a big girl, I got wide posts ...wouldn't want them to snap in the middle of a dance I learned from my 3 year old ...
I'M JUST SAYING.
Tip for the day: GET YOURSELF A FIREMAN POLE. Damn well guarantee you'll get all the Coach bags you could want for ...
Toodles,
M.F.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Bazooka on fire ...bless her heart...
Don't worry it's not what you think but before I get to Bazooka en fuego ...Can someone please tell me, why some days, at STARBUCKS OF COURSE...is there one car in front of me, from order board to window - ONE CAR ...they receive ONE DRINK at the window and are off and it took 13 minutes and 42 seconds ... the very next day, there are 6 cars in front of me, and the two in front of me each get 5 drinks handed out one at a time passed through the window to their mini van carrying 5 kids ... and I waited 13 minutes and 41 seconds. IT MAKES NO SENSE.
Someone throw me a bone.
So obviously - I'm off to drink my mocha ... I was up all night b/c Dr. Teats thought it would be sweet to get some "good night bath wash" to help the Bazooka sleep ... she's been having a rough go of it lately - teething, cold, and eczema ... Dr. Teats didn't hear me very well when I said a. anything with lavendar not a good idea and will irritate it and b. really shouldn't use SOAP period if we don't have to every night. And so ...he snored his way off to the alarm waking him up for his monthly trip to Texas this morning ... I held a miserable baby all night and tried to balance the worse of two evils ... Benadryl to lessen the itch and take away the nasty rash but cause nose to run even MORE or Tylenol cold/cough so her nose would stop running ... Poor little thing ...and poor momma ... STILL SPORTING DARK CIRCLES AND A PUFFY FACE... MAYBE A CUTE PUFFY VEST WOULD BE CUTE WITH THE PUFFY EYES AND FACE. ?
Let's just say Dr. Teats didn't enjoy the view he had of Mocha Freak on Skype from the Dallas Fort Worth airport this morning ...
*Sigh*
Someone throw me a bone.
So obviously - I'm off to drink my mocha ... I was up all night b/c Dr. Teats thought it would be sweet to get some "good night bath wash" to help the Bazooka sleep ... she's been having a rough go of it lately - teething, cold, and eczema ... Dr. Teats didn't hear me very well when I said a. anything with lavendar not a good idea and will irritate it and b. really shouldn't use SOAP period if we don't have to every night. And so ...he snored his way off to the alarm waking him up for his monthly trip to Texas this morning ... I held a miserable baby all night and tried to balance the worse of two evils ... Benadryl to lessen the itch and take away the nasty rash but cause nose to run even MORE or Tylenol cold/cough so her nose would stop running ... Poor little thing ...and poor momma ... STILL SPORTING DARK CIRCLES AND A PUFFY FACE... MAYBE A CUTE PUFFY VEST WOULD BE CUTE WITH THE PUFFY EYES AND FACE. ?
Let's just say Dr. Teats didn't enjoy the view he had of Mocha Freak on Skype from the Dallas Fort Worth airport this morning ...
*Sigh*
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
TMI
The bazooka, in all of her glory, full of piss and vinegar - is standing behind the couch, on the window sill, spread eagle with a shit eatin' grin shaking her bootie up against the window back and forth to the sweet tunes of sesame street (shoot me!)...and I've decided now would be an opportune time to write a little somethin'. I have dark circles under my eyes, am in baseball cap, vintage mickey hoodie (dreaming about d-land), baggy Luckys (normally baggy jeans a good thing, AMEN? But, I'm pissed b/c they're so stinking cute when they fit, even when I'm a fat ass ... but today - not so cute as the ass sags b/c of the gall stone induced weight loss ... ) and my uggs. Last nights make up if you have to know. Hoping I'll be showered and dressed for the day by noon. I've got a sitter coming at 1pm, and shopping and dinner with the girls tonight ...(THANK YOU SWEET BABY JESUS.) Heaven forbid Dr. Teats come home a little early and let me OUT to play ...
Damn ...so although I haven't been writing I have still been reading ... BLOGS. I have to admit - it's so sick and twisted, but I read the blog of my ex's sister in law ...and while I don't think it's necessary to drop the F bomb very often ... LET ME SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS ... F-BOMB! This chic is nuts. She is like Martha Stewart meets Beth Moore (huge Christian speaker and author who I happen to love but the woman is over the top at any rate.) I obviously can't give too much detail but it's one of those blogs that you read and just go 'SHIT ...I'm a failure of a mom, wife, my husband is way more of an ass than I thought, my kids are deprived, my house is a rat hole, and my spiritual walk ...haha - HAHAHAHAHA." All I can do is laugh about that one. I am sure there are millions that find those kinds of blogs so encouraging and inspiring AND ADORE THE LITTLE TIPS ...clearly I'm just not one of them. And clearly I didn't have a chance with that mother-in-law ...haha. (that's a story for another day.) I like the sarcastic, truthful, realistic, show me how to look cute for 30 bucks kind of blogs ...that occasionally cuss the husband and.... maybe even the kids. haha. (ALTHOUGH WITH LOVE IN THEIR/OUR HEARTS ...HA.)
So ... on that note ...if I ever start getting inspirational, or tell you about the faces I made on my kids sandwiches with raisins and carrots, or show you the latest collection of 'weeds' from my garden that I have arranged in a lovely vase or wreath ... give you the most delicious recipe for pumpkin pie and a tip on how not to burn the crust ... OR FRY A DAMN EGG IN THE MIDDLE OF A PIECE OF BREAD WITH A HEART SHAPE CUT OUT ...
JUST.YELL.WHAT.THE.FBOMB.MOCHAFREAK ... SNAP OUT OF IT.
The good news is the chances of me ever getting to that place are like snow in hell ...(although she probably has a recipe for snow in hell...) but in the meantime ... so annoying. Why do I torture myself? Don't worry, I read while the pistol and bazooka are schnoozing and shout the F-bomb at a whisper as I read ... and laugh, and get sick to my stomach ... I DON'T KNOW - there is just something so intriguing about someone who just seems so UNBELIEVABLY UNREAL ... I literally go from cussing to laughing in disbelief ... with the occasional ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? To myself of course ...
Thank you Lord for sparing me a lot of really DIFFICULT HOLIDAYS WITH THOSE INLAWS ... and possibly yelling a WTF at a beautifully set Holiday table, with a perfect pie, honey roasted ham, and Holly freaking Hobby commenting on how much she L-O-V-E-S the monster-in-law's traditional salad ... placed at your setting before you sit down ...which consisted of a LARGE LEAF OF ICE BERG LETTUCE, A SLICE OF PINEAPPLE, AND A DAB OF MAYONAISSE 'ATOP' ... SHIT. YOU. NOT. Sick. Those bastards gave me extra one time because they knew how much it made me gag and all laughed their asses off as I tried to graciously shovel it in taking big swigs of water (b/c heaven forbid I drink a PEPSI for dinner ... which for the record would have been a much better chaser...nevermind the lack of MALIBU TO GO WITH IT WHICH WAS UNHEARD OF IN THAT HOUSEHOLD ...) I'm thrilled to be in the place I am now ...allowed liquor when I want it, allowed to say SHIT when I stub my toe, and not required to sing in the choir to prove my LOFTY SPIRITUAL STATUS. Phew ...what a relief. Maybe that's why I read it ... for reminder's sake ... I will say if I'm ever pissed at Dr. Teats ...straight to that blog I go and am reminded why I am here, and NOT THERE. Yikes.
Wow ... one day...if you catch me posting with a bit of a buzz, I might *just happen to* paste her blog just for shits and giggles ... then you can drop the F-bomb and get sick to your stomach with me. haha.
Do I even need to say ...I'M JUST SAYING. Wow. Talk about TMI with NO PMS.
Toodles (gag) - I have to go as it's 12:05 and I was hoping to be showered by now ...
P.s. I vow to try to be less of a bitch and funnier next time ...
M.F.
Damn ...so although I haven't been writing I have still been reading ... BLOGS. I have to admit - it's so sick and twisted, but I read the blog of my ex's sister in law ...and while I don't think it's necessary to drop the F bomb very often ... LET ME SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS ... F-BOMB! This chic is nuts. She is like Martha Stewart meets Beth Moore (huge Christian speaker and author who I happen to love but the woman is over the top at any rate.) I obviously can't give too much detail but it's one of those blogs that you read and just go 'SHIT ...I'm a failure of a mom, wife, my husband is way more of an ass than I thought, my kids are deprived, my house is a rat hole, and my spiritual walk ...haha - HAHAHAHAHA." All I can do is laugh about that one. I am sure there are millions that find those kinds of blogs so encouraging and inspiring AND ADORE THE LITTLE TIPS ...clearly I'm just not one of them. And clearly I didn't have a chance with that mother-in-law ...haha. (that's a story for another day.) I like the sarcastic, truthful, realistic, show me how to look cute for 30 bucks kind of blogs ...that occasionally cuss the husband and.... maybe even the kids. haha. (ALTHOUGH WITH LOVE IN THEIR/OUR HEARTS ...HA.)
So ... on that note ...if I ever start getting inspirational, or tell you about the faces I made on my kids sandwiches with raisins and carrots, or show you the latest collection of 'weeds' from my garden that I have arranged in a lovely vase or wreath ... give you the most delicious recipe for pumpkin pie and a tip on how not to burn the crust ... OR FRY A DAMN EGG IN THE MIDDLE OF A PIECE OF BREAD WITH A HEART SHAPE CUT OUT ...
JUST.YELL.WHAT.THE.FBOMB.MOCHAFREAK ... SNAP OUT OF IT.
The good news is the chances of me ever getting to that place are like snow in hell ...(although she probably has a recipe for snow in hell...) but in the meantime ... so annoying. Why do I torture myself? Don't worry, I read while the pistol and bazooka are schnoozing and shout the F-bomb at a whisper as I read ... and laugh, and get sick to my stomach ... I DON'T KNOW - there is just something so intriguing about someone who just seems so UNBELIEVABLY UNREAL ... I literally go from cussing to laughing in disbelief ... with the occasional ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? To myself of course ...
Thank you Lord for sparing me a lot of really DIFFICULT HOLIDAYS WITH THOSE INLAWS ... and possibly yelling a WTF at a beautifully set Holiday table, with a perfect pie, honey roasted ham, and Holly freaking Hobby commenting on how much she L-O-V-E-S the monster-in-law's traditional salad ... placed at your setting before you sit down ...which consisted of a LARGE LEAF OF ICE BERG LETTUCE, A SLICE OF PINEAPPLE, AND A DAB OF MAYONAISSE 'ATOP' ... SHIT. YOU. NOT. Sick. Those bastards gave me extra one time because they knew how much it made me gag and all laughed their asses off as I tried to graciously shovel it in taking big swigs of water (b/c heaven forbid I drink a PEPSI for dinner ... which for the record would have been a much better chaser...nevermind the lack of MALIBU TO GO WITH IT WHICH WAS UNHEARD OF IN THAT HOUSEHOLD ...) I'm thrilled to be in the place I am now ...allowed liquor when I want it, allowed to say SHIT when I stub my toe, and not required to sing in the choir to prove my LOFTY SPIRITUAL STATUS. Phew ...what a relief. Maybe that's why I read it ... for reminder's sake ... I will say if I'm ever pissed at Dr. Teats ...straight to that blog I go and am reminded why I am here, and NOT THERE. Yikes.
Wow ... one day...if you catch me posting with a bit of a buzz, I might *just happen to* paste her blog just for shits and giggles ... then you can drop the F-bomb and get sick to your stomach with me. haha.
Do I even need to say ...I'M JUST SAYING. Wow. Talk about TMI with NO PMS.
Toodles (gag) - I have to go as it's 12:05 and I was hoping to be showered by now ...
P.s. I vow to try to be less of a bitch and funnier next time ...
M.F.
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