I SAID IT ON MY FACEBOOK STATUS

...and I'll say it again ... and again, b/c I'm in that much agony...

With your "foam roll up" and "small sweat towel" ...you should be handed a vicodin at local gym while participating in PILATES.

F...! SERIOUSLY. I'M DYING. WHO KNEW? Well, except for Jennifer Aniston ... I now totally get her ridiculous body and all the WORK that went into it. How on earth was I under the impression that Pilates was a little stretching class for an hour and you come out of there looking like a sculpted goddess???

I woke up this morning and had to ask myself, "wait, did I deliver a 10 lb 2 oz pistol yesterday...or is this EXCRUCIATING PAIN FROM THAT PILATES CLASS?" Well - turns out, this pain, TRUMPS the delivery of said 10 lb 2 oz pistol... Well, let's be honest...pilates doesn't really effect the parts of my body that required LAYERS AND LAYERS OF DERMAPLAST... but that's another blog...but I digress. PILATES, KICKED, MY FREAKING, LARD, ASS.

You know when you're in a class - and there are mirrors all around, and they SAY they're to help you make sure you're assuming the correct posture and form... WELL I CALL BULLSHIT. I say, it's so mocha drinkin' mommas like yours truly, can look over in the mirror, in SHEER PAIN, feeling like they're tighting every last inch of existing flab in their body ... ONLY TO DISCOVER, THE MUFFIN, IS HANGING, LIMP, LIKE A FLOUR SACK FROM MY PERFECTLY POSITIONED 'PISSY PUSSY CAT' (OR WHATEVER THEY CALL IT) POSE ...

OH MY LAWD. DEEEEE-sgusting. It was like a train wreck...I didn't want to look at it as it was making me feel sick...but I couldn't look away - it was the craziest shape the muffin has ever contorted to... I prefer the muffin looking like a muffin...I mean if it's gonna be a muffin top, then, look like a muffin top, not like a 25 lb tub of lard hanging from my middle ...

If this was supposed to be motivating? NEWSFLASH... IT WASN'T. It was horrifying... the muffin was way bigger and limper than I thought it was ..

GUESS I GOTTA GET ME SOME SPANX FOR PILATES CLASS.

Can I cuss now? F F F F F. I hurt. My neck hurts, my arms hurt, my sides ache, my back hurts, my quads hurt, my ASS hurts ... It is official pilates instructor lady, the lactic acid has officially built up in my glutes and I'M ON FIRE.

SOMEBODY GET ME A G.D. VICODIN ALREADY!!! Thank you Sweet Baby Jesus for a certain Gall Bladder Surgery and not polishing all of my pain killers off at once. I KNEW I'd need those blasted pills for a rainy day...D day.

TODAY IS D DAY... DAMNTHATPILATESCLASSSUCKEDMORETHANLABOR day.

Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to pop a pill I go ...