THE FIRST 'NO-HELL'

Merry Christmas ... at 1:23am December 25th... promptly ... I am sitting listening to some dude that looks like Mr. Bean sing the First Noel, oh, and he sounds like Mr. Bean too, but I digress. It is some lame documentary on the history of the "Nativity Scene" (how on earth did this follow Jimmy Kimmel?) and I can't change the channel because the Bazooka's BIG CHRISTMAS PRESENT IS SETUP IN SUCH A WAY THAT IT'S BLOCKING THE RECEIVER FROM MY FREAKIN' BADASS UNIVERSAL REMOTE . W.T.F. I'm too achy from wrapping to move from my position on my "perch" to get a better angle to change it. Thus, the Christmas morning blog ...this is what hell would be like ... someone TEARING UP the First Noel off key and thinking they ROCK ...and no way to stop it ... you just have to listen to it... no way to drown it out or plug your ears ...

So while my ears are in agony ... (the mute won't work either so don't get smart with me ...) - let me just say, that Santa, put one toy together and hit the sack ... while I sat up and wrapped furiously. It was in the madness, however, that I realized ...screw this ..."Santa" is shnoozin ...can't have the pistol waking up seeing a full cup of milk and plate of cookies ...Dr. Teats didn't do it ...GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO. Well doesn't that just suck huh?

Next year I'm leaving Santa a Dark Chocolate with chocolate ice cream haagen dasz bar and a bottle of Vodka.

Uggg ... 5 more hours til Starbucks opens ... I. CAN'T. WAIT. Nothin' like my triple grande mocha on Christmas morning. haha.

Hope you're doing something better than I am at 1:37 December 25th, 2008.

Cheers to you and your peeps,
M.F.

DEAR GODDER FODDER.. PLEASE TELL ME HIPS DO LIE ...

SERIOUSLY ... the oldest pistol was doing the most inappropriate and disturbing dancing I've ever seen last night. To, the oldest version of Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire I'd ever heard. It's not like it was Shakira. I had to call Dr. Teats in from Teatsville (the office) to view with me so he wouldn't think I was exaggerating. It was totally unbelievable. I looked at him like "wtf have you been watching???" and he was giving me the same "wtf?" I mean ...Dancing With the Stars ... mmmm - it's a stretch. We're talking ... D-I-R-T-Y. And not in a 1980's sort of way ... in a "You might get a gig on Howard Stern" kind of way ... WOW. I can't even describe it all to you except to say ...

SHE WILL N-E-V-E-R have a four post bed. I don't want to feed into the training.

THREE. YEARS. OLD.

I'm screwed. And I promise ... it's Noggin, Sprout and Disney channel around here ... HAVE YOU SEEN BELLE OR AURORA SHAKE IT LIKE THEIR HIPS DON'T LIE?

Dear Sweet Baby Jesus ... Godder Fodder, Elf on a Shelf ... Good ole Saint Nick ... whoever will hear my prayer ... I do not want to see my daughter on Girls Gone Wild ... WE WILL PAY FOR HER COLLEGE EDUCATION... so there will be no need for extra money ... the trust fund is already set up .... I AM ON MY KNEES, not afraid to beg ... I want my girl to be the classy, athletic, piano playing, nice girl ... you know, THE DESIGNATED DRIVER OF ALL THE HUSSIES ...NOT THE HUSSY HERSELF! Damn it. I mean ...Amen.

The local ballet company is now on speed dial. We are enrolled. I am determined to RE-DIRECT her uh...God giv.. uh. .. talen...uhh... ABILITY TO "m-o-v-e" 'it' ... into something classy and productive.

Horrified,
M.F.

Christmas confusion

There is ABSOLUTE (as opposed to the usual 'udder') confusion in my household ... the oldest pistol has announced that the baby Jesus is a girl, her mom's name is in fact Mary, however, Jesus' dad's name is "Jophus" and the quote of the day ... (in reference to the recently moved Elf on a Shelf whose hands happened to land in his crotch) "MOOOM ... (nervous giggle) THAT ELF IS GRABBIN' HISSELF! LOOK AT HE'EM!"

Next thing you know ..I'm gonna catch that damn elf lying on his back smoking a cigarette.

Better yet ... perhaps it will be me.

(I'm with you Say it Out Loud ...Grande, two pumps please...I'm convinced there must have been some reference to that in the song Santa Baby that got edited out at some point ... what a shame. Someone feel free to tip off Dr. Teats what I'd like stuffed in my stocking.)

Cheers to Monday before the Sweet baby Jesus birfday ...

M.F.

Eggnog anyone?

Christmas is fun with a 3 year old ...I just gotta say ... Santa lives at the "North Pool" (and she hasn't even been to the Grand Wailea????) and I got to go to her preschool program where she sang proud:

GODDER FODDER GODDER FODDER
ONCE AGAIN, ONCE AGAIN,
THANK YOU FOR OUR BLESSINGS THANK YOU FOR OUR BLESSINGS ODD MEANT ...ODDDD MEANT. (Amen for anyone who is so overhwhelmed with Christmas wrapping and drunk on wine that they didn't get that...)

Andddddddd, just cause I feel like bitching (do the math sisters..it's that time) ...the elf still isn't working for shit. My house and car smell like throw up. (baby pistol on round two of pukesville) I lost 75% of the addresses in my "Christmas card label word.doc" as I merged them into labels as it "DELETED DOCUMENT" unbeknownst to me ...so yesterday was SUPER fun with white pages, the church website and old emails - thank God for facebook and people getting their cards out early ...And last but not least, I had to ask Dr. Teats for a raise ... are you ready to give me a high five ... I PUT IT IN AN EMAIL - HAHA...just the way he likes things ... FREAKIN' TYPE A.

CROSS YOUR FINGERS ... my monthly budget was blown on the cheese for my broccoli soup by December 5th ... I still have a lot of CHRISTMAS SHOPPING TO DO ... HIS FOR ONE.

LMAO.

And, here's to SPIKED, VERY SPIKED EGGNOG ... (I hate eggnog but I'll drink it right now if it will give me a buzz ....)

Cheers
M.F.

A milestone for dad ...

We threw my dad a 70th birthday party tonight ... that was a huge, exciting, sentimental - JUST SPECIAL time for us ... what an answer to many prayers and a blessing he is still alive after all that he has fought ...crazy. I have nothing sarcastic, or negative, or funny ...just feeling blessed ... that my parents are still around to love on my babies ... and for my babies to love on them. AND, my pistols were so well behaved (aside from the oldest who drew a stick man on a napkin and was taking it around to everyone saying it was what her boyfriend looked like ...this thing hasn't died down yet unfortunately...).

That's all. I've nothin' else for ya. The elf still isn't working, I'm loving aquafor and rocking a size 10. COMFORTABLY TODAY .... (not sure what Stacy London would have to say about that but I'd take my chances hearing it from her if it meant I got to get locked in a small room with mirrors with Clinton Kelly ...I don't care if he prefers men, IF in fact he does - all I know is... I LOVE THAT MAN.)

Boring I know. It will be good again tomorrow ... after family Christmas.
Anyone know if there is a way to ensure family members never read your blog? Then this thing could get REALLLLLLY good.

Yours truly,
M.F.

Her boyfriend's back, momma's gonna get in trouble ...HEY LA ...HEY LA ..

Soooooooooooooooooooo...the pistol invited me into her room to play "cards" ...and I quickly learned that it was all a setup ...she swiftly lets me in on the fact that her 'boyfriend' is there ...and that he'd asked her to lunch today ...took her to "paulas" for lunch (that's Chapala's Mexican Bar and Grill to you...) and when I asked her what his name was she said I'd have to ask him ...so I said well where is he and she said he was 'behind the box' (of stuffed animals on her bed) ... oh my LORD ...SHE IS THREE. I know I've said that already.

Well NEVER FEAR MF IS HERE and worked it to my advantage and told her that her boyfriend told me she's been sneaking hershey's kisses into her room for the past week and eating them behind her bed ... YOU HAVE N-E-V-E-R SEEN A JAW DROP SO FAST AND EYES LIKE SAUCERS WITH THE MOST SHIT 'EATIN GRIN E-V-E-R.

Busted.

Damn I'm quick.

I should have left it at that... instead of suggesting she go in and tell Dr. Teats about her new boyfriend ... he got a lot more story than I did ...the part about her boyfriend having a way BIGGER truck than daddy, and it is RED, and that he should get a Red one like her BOYFRIEND, and they love to go camping together ... and sleep in a red tent ... (do we see a trend?) and they have marshmallows for dinner ... Hotdogs too I asked? No just marshmallows mom...we LOVE MARSHMALLOWS.

Wanna know Dr. Teats response to all of this madness? "that's it sister - NO MORE ZACK AND CODY FOR YOU ...THAT SHOW IS TOO OLD FOR YOU." haha. How on earth does she (let alone HE?) even know who Zack and Cody are ... ??? It couldn't be while I'm facebooking could it?

Again ... I know I'm the only loser. Go ahead and mock me ... guess I better take it easy on CRACKbook, get a handle on the pistol before she changes her name to Heidi, her boyfriend is a controlling ass named Spencer, and she now has a pole in her tent.

Gotta go ...the familia is all shnoozing and I have smut TV to catch up on.
Sleep tight. Evidently the pistol will be having sweet dreams ... (and I still don't know her boyfriend's name ... ???)

M.F.

Muffin top

It's official ... my ass is too flat and saggy for the size 12, but my muffin top is too muffin toppish for the size 10. I'm not sure which is the worse of two evils but I'm thinking the muffin top. There are only so many blouses (I hate that word - blouse - it's right up there with MOIST) THAT CAN CAMOFLAUGE THE MUFFIN TOP. I'm 5'9 and I'll spare you my weight but sisters ... how much more diarrhea does a girl have to have before she loses another pant size. And then when/if I do ... YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN ... BY THE TIME THE MUFFIN FITS INTO THE SIZE 10 NICELY, THE ASS WILL BE SAGGY AND NEED A SIZE 8. Seriously - I loveeeeeeeeeee the muffin top of a cupcake girls ...but I do NOT love the muffin top in my mid section - it's giving me headaches.

WOE
IS
ME.

If only I could ...I SO WOULD!

Dr. Teats has been in Texas for two days (monthly visit) ... the pistol is driving me neeners, and baby bazooka somehow found the ONE non-shatterproof ornament on the tree ...it's one of THOSE days ... the ones where you could just zoom off to Starbucks. ... just real quick like ... they'll be fine ... and I'll have 10 minutes BY - MY - SELF. But beside the ole child neglect law ...I'd be the one who's car just stalled at the drive thru window - for no good reason ... and would have to call my mother in law and tell her I left the kids at the house please go save them. haha.

Don't worry though...she wouldn't judge me ..she left Dr. Teats when he was 3 months old ...sleeping in his crib ... in a house in the country and headed off to "town" (30 minutes away) - had to call HER mother in law when she realized she'd left him. haha. CAN'T SAY I BLAME HER - HE'S A REAL PAIN IN THE ASS SOMETIMES.

Anyway ... don't worry ...I won't DOOOOOOOOOO IT ...I'M JUST THINKING REALLY HARD ABOUT IT ...

IS IT JUST ME?

Or has anyone else blown it out the back so bad for so long and your ass stings so bad you actually ...consider ...

DESITIN. Butt Paste. Whatever.

Oh my yammers I'm on fire ...I had better not do it ...because the second I put the little Bazooka down to run someone will inevitably smell it on me and ask "Does she have diaper rash? Poor thing."

Yah poor thing is right ...POOR MOCHA FREAK.

Elf on a Shelf ...

Anyone read that cute little book and/or been sucker enough to actually think the damn elf on your shelf would influence your pistols to behave a little better for the month of December?

IT'S. NOT. WORKING.

Dare I ask if 3 years old is too young to get PMS? GOOD LORD!!!! I have no idea who on earth she gets this DRAMATIC personality from... you all know it's not ME - HEAVEN FORBID YOU EVEN THINK IT ..must be Dr. Teats.

You know this isn't just MF being oversensitive either ...b/c if you read my posts you'll know that I don't get bitchy for two more weeks ... I'M JUST SAYING.

Soup Nazi ...(ok Drunk-uninhibited-Soup-Nazi)

So we had a little soup party at our house last night ... about 8 crock pots of soup showed up ... which was fabulous. The sucky thing about hosting the soup party is that you can't choose your soup first, because that would be downright rude to my guests ...so I figured I'd just wait and see what all everyone was bringing and then make whatever was left. The trouble was ... by the time everyone RSVP'd any soup I'd ever made - or that I thought tasted halfway decent ...TAKEN. So - I figured - I'd bust out with something new ... that I'd never made ...or tasted ...how bad could Broccoli Cheese Soup turn out? It's cheese, it's broccoli ...some onions and seasonings.... BIG.MISTAKE.

The funniest hubby in the bunch sneaks over to me in the kitchen ...giggling as only he can ... waving me over - he's had a bit to drink so is giddy as all get out and I can tell whatever he's about to tell me is going to be good - he is damn near gagging ...and whispers ..."I just fed your black dog some soup ...I hope that's ok ...he ate it ...because I couldn't take it ... it was the nastiest tasting soup I've ever tasted ...disgusting ... I don't know who made it ... but it had ...

(DRUMROLL PLEASE ...)

BROCCOLI IN IT ... (gag some more ...and he's doubled over laughing ...)"

Poor guy ... I can't blame him ... it looked like my stomach flu from last week ... you know when you've thrown up so much there is just the green bile-ish nastiness left ... and the $10.00 high end cheese tasted to me like $10.00 cheese but looked like curdled milk attaching itself like a cling on to the broccoli. I just died laughing and fessed up that it was mine ... because it is funny after all isn't it? Ohhhhhh ...the irony in the fact that you host a soup party, and your soup tastes like shit ...

Damn Soup Nazi. I flipped him the bird on point ...IN MY HEAD.

(TRUTH BE TOLD IT WAS HILARIOUS ... AND MY FEELINGS WERE NOT HURT ... THE WAY HE WENT ABOUT IT MADE IT HYSTERICAL ...I DO HOWEVER WISH IN MY HEART OF HEARTS HE WAS TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE'S NASTY SOUP...)

How 'bout those da-lish-ous hot wings everyone was raving about that I DID MAKE ....(which may or may not have been out of a frozen bag purchased at Costco...).

Should have throw 5 cans of campbells chicken noodle in the crock pot and called it all good ...I'm just saying.

THANK GOODNESS FOR THE HUMPING CHIHUAHUA THAT SOMEONE GAVE AS A WHITE ELEPHANT GIFT TO HELP TAKE THE STING AWAY ...

STOP-AND-GAWK-AND-TALK-AND-COCK-AND-MOCK

Masked ...WORKING AWAY...ordering you by pointing ...shouting hitler style ... nodding to the front of the store ... you give the "I'm begging you for mercy, please throw me a bone ..." look to the lady sitting in the chair waiting and she mumbles back to you ...quietly "pick a color" and you whisper back "I don't want a color I want a french manicure ....and suddently ...

'WHAT? WHAT YOU SAY? WHAT YOU SAY TO HER? WHAT WRONG? PICACULLAH!!!!!!'

"I said I want a french manicure so I don't need a color ..."

'YOU WANT WHY O WHYWHY'

(Again begging for mercy to your right ...)

"white or white white"

WTF does that mean ... how many whites could their possibly be in a french manicure ...TWO EVIDENTLY - why or whywhy.

They are so good aren't they? SO fast and efficient. So affordable. So convenient because I don't have to have a standing appointment. It really is awesome ...

Except the part where they are giving me a pedicure and do the "stop-and-gawk-and-talk-and-cock-and-mock."

Stop ...after they are done drying the wet feet that have just come out of the soapy lukewarm water ...gawk at something they find less than alright with them ... talk ...in a language I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO PICK UP DESPITE YEARS AND HOURS OF SITTING LISTENING ...to their co-workers in the store ....COCK their heads in the direction of my feet over and over ...and then MOCK me as they casually saunter by and then die laughing and talk some more amongst themselves but don't make eye contact with me SO I WON'T KNOW THEY'RE LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF AT MY DISGUSTING FEET.

I just hate that ...there just might be something to making an appointment, every two weeks,same time same place ... paying 20 bucks more... toes and nails not looking near as fabulous and getting to recap how stupid "The Hills" was this week... but damn it I won't have high blood pressure at any moment during my 'TREATMENT' ...

I just think my time away from the pistol (and what is she by now an uzi?) is just so precious - to stare at a wall and 'check out' if you will ...must they have such a belly laugh at my expense?

I know, not one of you relates. It only happens to me and my feet. And I'm the only one that ponders making a change, and then knowing "hell no...I'll never be able to keep the appointment..." And I'm the only one hidous enough to make a post like this.

Laughing at myself as usual ...

I'm in love with Santa ...

And not Dr. Teats either ladies ... I'm in love with the big fat white haired guy ...eh hem ...I'm still, not talking about Dr. Teats ... THE ONE THAT HAS A HUUUUUUUUGE sleigh. I'm for sure not talking about Dr. Teats.

Why am I in love with Santa you ask? Well, because although I know Jesus is the reason for the season, really, I do ... I PLAN ON SQUEEZING EVERY LAST BIT OF 'GOOD'NESS out of my pistols for the next 22 days ...BECAUSE THEY KNOW SANTA IS COMING ... AND THEREFORE ...THEY ....WILL...BE...GOOD. Yippee for me.

And that's why I love Santa... at least for today ...

Cheers, (and I will drink ...)
M.F.

Red Red Wine ........ Goes to his Heaaaaad ...

Dr. Teats had a senior moment yesterday ...

Last night at dinner, the pistol asked me to get her some milk as she'd finished what she had in her cup ... Dr. Teats graciously jumped in as he noticed I'd JUST started to eat my dinner ... and offered to get it for her. I wasn't even paying attention to what he was doing as I was eagerly chowing down on the delicious PBJ I'd prepared for myself ... I look up mid-peanut-butter-on-my-lips-tongue-swipe and Dr. Teats is pouring a nice, big, sippy cup, full of ...

ZINFANDEL. RED ZINFANDEL. White may not have been as shocking ...thus the need to note RED. I looked at him ... he smiled at me, feeling pretty stellar about the great dad he is ...I just pointed at the cup ...straight faced ...and he nearly fell over pulling the bottle up and out of the pour position. He hadn't even noticed which made it all the more delightful to watch ...

I spit out what was left of my sandwich in laughter ... Dr. Teats quickly dumped the wine into the sink and corrected his mistake with MILK ... and sat down. We thought the five minutes of comedy was over ...UNTIL ...

No sooner had he gotten himself comfy with his BIG BOY sippy glass ... the pistol flips him the bird on point ...and goes "hey daddy ... can you do this?" He looks over her head and at me with that "WTF????" face I'm sure you've all seen before and I said "Don't look at me!!!" She is oblivious and as he tells her he can't do it ... she replies "oh yah daddy that's because only teachers and little people can do it."

Nuff said. Except teacher Judy at the Dutch Reform Christian Preschool might be getting a phone call ...

Bazooka! Amen????

Happy Monday :)

So yesterday Dr. Teats and I were hanging out on the floor in the room of the little pistol...she had her back to him and he tapped her on her bootie in fun, and she turned around and punched him ...HARD. 14 months. I said to him ... "Sooo....'pistol' doesn't quite cut it on this one does it ... perhaps Semi-automatic is more appropriate?" He replied, "I was thinking Bazooka ..."

We agreed, we laughed (behind pillows, thinking she couldn't see us b/c of course we wouldn't get caught dead laughing at such INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR), she BUSTED us, thought we were laughing at her (which we were) and she punched him again with gritted teeth this time. Then turned around and went about her business like nothing happened.

I hope I don't ever get CPS called on me as a result of self defense ... from the Baby Bazooka.

Same child, Thanksgiving day ... (I am told) ...was sitting on Dr. Teat's lap, while everyone was saying what they were thankful for ... my mom has had a rough few years with my 70 yr old cancer stricken father (who is still with us THANK YOU LORD!) ... and has been a trooper and she started to get teary as it was her turn ... and the baby got up from Dr. Teats lap and reached out her arms for grandma immediately - seeing she was sad.

Will anyone concur that I have my handsful? Amen sisters?

One more lil thing ...

One more thing ... Dr. Teats was on the smarter side this morning ..he did go get me a mocha this morning before he jet-set off ... only trouble was ... they made the wrong damn drink...COULD THE DAY GET BETTER? Well, yes, it did, as soon as I dumped the thing in my Chocolate Damask and Turquoise Monogrammed Preppy Travel Mug and put more whip cream in that sucker than you've ever seen ... DA-LISH-OUS ...:)

Still loving www.monogramchick.com ... seriously, this cup is so damn cute it makes me feel better every time I use it. I gotta email that girl and ask her how late I can put in 10 orders of personalized preppy travel mugs for Christmas and get them in time. :)

Ok really ..now I'm done for the day ...I think...unless Dr. Teats gives me more material today - which is entirely possible ...

Turkeys, Ducks, "Birds on Point" on my mind ...

So ... it's been a rough couple of days for MF ...

1. Missed Thanksgiving with the family, stomach flu at 4am ... so bad that Dr. Teats had to make the green bean casserole himself. (When asked how it turned out his reply "You think I tasted it? HELLLLL no.") He did take the pistols to my sisters though...what a good sport - he said he hung in there and it was ok. Yah, good sport and it was ok ...news flash Dr. Teats ...sister posted Thanksgiving pics on my facebook and there are pics of the lil pistols with their cousins, eating pie, napping ... ONE of lil'est pistol eating dinner with Dr. Teats ...AND MY PERSONAL FAVE... DR. TEATS WITH HIS FEET UP....WATCHING FOOTBALL ...I'm pretty sure he had a way better day without me there telling him to help me with the kids. I think everyone felt sorry for him ... if only they heard the shit he gave me when he left here ...haha. Boy was it all about him ...and how he had things to do ... LOL. DID I PLAN THE DAMN BARF SESSION?

2. I thought I was feeling better ...yesterday was a nice day off..and would you believe I've got my second migraine in my life this morning? Haven't had one for 16 years... and I'm grateful it's been that long. It sucks. BAD. I'm only functioning right now because I had a leftover Vicodin from said gall bladder and hernia surgery. he he. Thank you Jesus for left over Vicodin (and my awesome mother in law who reminded me I might have some of those...)

3. Dr. Teats is on his way out for another rough day... as he's on his way out door - oldest pistol pukes ..and again ...guess she's got the bug now - poor lil thing. So when he left ...I was on the pot ... she was in the other bathroom ...and he made the rounds saying his good byes and giving kisses while we took care of business and lil pistol sobbed because daddy going bye bye.

4. I can't finish without telling you about his day ... PLEASE SOMEONE COMMISERATE WITH ME ON THIS ONE ... he left at 9am from our local small town airport (central CA) ... to fly up to Corvallis, Oregon ...to watch the Oregon State Beavers hopefully beat the U of O Ducks ... in the big rivalry 'Civil War' ... in club seats ...and then fly back tonight ... did I mention ...

ON A LEER JET?

Poor Dr. Teats ... I really feel for him ...I'm just saying ...

But in the spirit of all that is happy and good and warm and fuzzy ...(since that seems to be a theme these past few days haha) GO BEAVERS ... GO BEAVERS ...GO BEAVERS...

DUCKS SUCK.

For those of you who have read about Dr. Teats avid love for shooting birds, ducks in particular ....hypothetically speaking ...if the Ducks were whoopin' up on the Beavs...and I texted Dr. Teats in his cozy little box seats ...do you think he would find it amusing if I asked him ... "Hey - baby - what happened to your 'BIRD ON POINT?' " It might ALMOST BE WORTH LOSING TO THE DUCKS ...
:)

Good luck to all of you with your big games today!

Hugs and Vicodin flavored kisses... and double birds to Dr. Teats...win or lose ... (all in love of course...)

Mocha Freak

I HEART LOWES ...

Thank you Lowes for having 6 boxes of C9 clear string-up lights ... had you not had them, I just might have done something very,very bad with the round plastic frosted ones I had enough of already ...that were about to go up tomorrow, Thanksgiving day ... if I didn't find enough clear ones tonight by 9pm when all stores closed.

I had called 7 stores in a 50 mile area...NOTHIN' ..this store was my only hope...

So, here's to you Lowe's guy, that climbed a freaking TALL, BAD ASS LADDER, TO THE VERY TIPPY TOP SHELF OF THE STORE, to pull down the last few boxes of C9 CLEARS ..YOU ROCK. I wish I could have bought him a Starbucks... :)

IT'S A HAPPY DAY ...AND I THANK GOD FOR THE WEATHER ....

Ok ... since I will never get the "smile award" due to my sour-casm, foul language and inability to ALWAYS be positive (I'm sorry - I can find the funny 99/100 but there is always that one percent when life just down right sucks arse) - anyway ... I'll give you one little warm and fuzzy and then back to the reality of my life ... so we headed out to ...YUP - YOU GUESSED IT ...STARBUCKS ... and it is really raining good for the first time this fall ... and my baby Pistol who is now 14 months ...gets the silliest smirk on her face, looks out at the rain, then back at me, then back the rain and puckers her lips up and goes "oooooohhhhhhhhh mommmaaa" with the biggest sparkle in her eyes ... it was so awesome. I know, I know you kinda had to be there ...but it just reminded me how precious the little things are ...like RAIN! It was super cute and I just had to share. I love my baby pistol tooo...she makes the best faces and this was a goody today.:)

NOW BACK TO THE NORMAL EVERY DAY NOT-SO-PRECIOUS CRAP ...haha.

So I'm not sure about you all, but our family has just been through this little bug that starts with the craziest head ache E-V-E-R (and I'm not a headache kinda girl ... get them very rarely...) ... then it moves to a nasty cough, runny nose and eventually green 'mocos' (that's my childhood girlfriend M's espanol for gross bugars and I love it - think it's a way better descriptive ...like do you ever call your panties ... chonies? Same thing - SPANISH SLANG THAT I LOVE - but you won't hear me talk about chonies very often since I rarely wear them - and of course I'm getting off of the subject at hand now aren't I?) Seriously though this is a nasty bug - Baby Pistol got it,then Dr. Teats ...then the 3 year old pistol ... and now, yours truly. (Thank you Jesus for sparing me my Key West vacation and getting through the Thanksgiving feast at my house last Saturday BEFORE this little sickness...)

So the baby pistol is finally getting over this horrid bug ...yesterday I'm in like day 2 which means I had the throbbing headache, baby was in day 5 which means nasty green mocos, breathing horrible and coughing, older pistol was in day 4 which mean a nagging cough through out the day ... and night ...and Dr. Teats is in day 5 also but he's an adult so he's all good - bit of a cough still but doing fine. Needless to say it's not a super HAPPY house ... so you know the drill ...I'm the 'sahm' that doesn't have to 'go-to-work' so of course I'm up all night with the little ones struggling to sleep (damn the Tylenol company for taking the infant cold off the shelves ...stupid over dosing parents ...IDIOTS ...) So last night - I was DONE ...exhausted, feeling lousy ... and the baby for some reason started throwing up but I think that was unrelated ... but still, I smelled like barf (as opposed to shtank). We are sitting at the 'bar' for dinner and I had just finally sat down with my food and usually there is the notorious prayer but that didn't happen last night so the pistols were eating their food, Dr. Teats was nearly done with his ...and he has now let the kids down and is playing with them and I'm slowly shoveling in dinner ... and it happened ...ugggg...

I get that feeling, that guilty feeling, that I, the SAHM is sitting by myself in peace and quiet eating, while WORKING HIS ARSE OFF DAD IS PLAYING WITH THE KIDDOS, GIVING BATHS, READING BOOKS.... he knows I feel like CAH-RAP ...so he's trying to lift a bit of the burden ... but why WHY WHY LORD WHY DO I HAVE THAT URGE ...THAT BITING URGE TO THANK HIM, TO THROW HIM A BONE ... why is it that when I'm feeling so gross I feel obligated to kiss my husband's ass when he's doing what he should be doing anyhow - a few dishes or hanging with the kids ...I'm literally laughing as I write this ... b/c I'm so LAME ... you totally know what I did next ... I SO DIDN'T RESIST THE URGE ...I called him over the gave him the kiss-the-ass-you're-such-a-great-hubby-what-would-I-do-without-you speech ... I did it ... I kissed his ass ...thanked him, hugged him ...told him I know he's not sensitive by nature but I appreciated his genuine effort ... and then it happened, the uncontrollable, I'm so freaking exhausted TEARS ... and I just sat there and gathered myself as he said in a sweet (so not like him so it was annoying) voice "I'm trying baby - I'm trying - I know how you feel. ..I felt that way a few days ago ..."

Uh...and that's when you go from hanging your head and feeling appreciative even if by guilt - to "WTF DID YOU JUST SAY????" haha. Because you all know as well as I do that bless his heart only 3 days earlier when he "felt like I did" he was in bed, napping, relaxing, as I was keeping the pistols out of his hair... because he just couldn't take it ...

Dr. Teats really is pretty awesome ... however, can you imagine if I didn't get up, get the kids ready, get the older one to school, WITH THE ZIPLOCK BAG OF SQUARE INCH TURKEY SLICES FOR THE PRESCHOOL THANKSGIVING FEAST AND THEN STAY TO HELP, ...come home do more puked on laundry, get on my laptop and organize the spreadsheet with the the church kids program volunteer calendar/schedule that I'm responsible for with 70 volunteers, and have dinner (EVEN IF IT WAS QUESADILLAS) ready to go ... but instead, just SLEPT IT OFF ...

What on earth was I thinking feeling like I needed to THANK HIM? LOL.
I'M * JUST * SAYIN' ....

I feel much better today though and not ONE puke yet from the baby pistol... :)

Damn it all though - THE DAY'S NOT OVER - I still have to go to the store to buy freakin green bean casserole shit...and couldn't find enough C9 CLEAR lights at THE HOME DEPOT to replace the frosted circle bulbs that Dr. Teats so generously purchased last year when sent to the store to buy C9 CLEAR CHRISTMAS LIGHTS FOR THE OUTSIDE OF THE NEW HOUSE...these babies LOOK like the ones that should outline a mirror in a 1980's apartment bathroom vanity ... so SUPER special. Why does Home Depot have 1000 boxes of colored ones, and two boxes of clear ... who does the yearly inventory at these places? Perhpaps y'all still adore the colored lights ... just not my cup of Holiday cheer...

Anyway - I still have a bit of a night ahead of me don't I ...

I'll be waiting for someone to tell me thanks for my inspiring blogs that just make you all cozy and tingly inside and inspire you to be better moms wives and friends....and just better people in general ... haha...

I'm thinking I might be waiting for a cold day in hell ...

I'm still laughing ... even if you think I'm hideous. :)

The Drama Queens ...

My 3 yr old pistol is devastated ...and I do mean ...DEVASTATED!

She came dramatically running in while I was making dinner ....(slaving away microwaving left over turkey and mashed potatoes for Dr Teats and macaroni and cheese for the kids ... ha) SOBBING HER EYES OUT ...HYPERVENTILATING ... she has been in her daddy's office ...she
loves ...eh hem (that would be an understatement) ...ADORES her daddy ...

Sweet Jesus ...I am sensitive but this kid is over the top emotional ...IT IS CLEAR SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG ... and so of course I knelt down to hug her and ask her what was wrong ...and so it unfolds ...

"MAH- A- AAAA - MMMEEEEEE -EEEE ...." (I tell her to calm down and take a deep breath ...) "BUT mooooooommmy my blue eyes are gone ..." (HUH???) "My blue eyes are gone and they are green now mommy...I don't want green eyes I want blue eyes and they are gone mommy....they are gone... daddy said my blue eyes are gone and they are green now...."

Mother trucker. Are you kidding me right now? When will Dr. Teats pull his head out of his tail end ... he told a THREE YEAR OLD, DRAMA QUEEN, THAT HER GORGEOUS BLUE-GREEN EYES WERE NO LONGER BLUE, THEY WERE GREEN ... hahaha ... for the love. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END AROUND HERE ... I have a sneaky feeling ... in about 15 years ...and then, the madness will still be close... but hopefully off in a college dorm room somewhere and I'll only get the phone and home-for-the-holidays version.

For the record ...the pistol does have gorgeous eyes ... but we tell her how smart and fun and sweet she is a whole lot more than she ever hears about her BLUE EYES ...not to mention - Dr Teats and I both have green ...so why on earth is she so horrified at three years old about green eyes...HAHA...wow. Seriously they have always been a very powdery blue on the verge of light green ...just depends on what she has on ...it's not like they JUST CHANGED ONE DAY DR. TEATS!!! Honestly.

I just don't know who I'm more annoyed with, the lil drama queen or the BIG DRAMA QUEEN THAT CHOSE TO 'ENLIGHTEN' THE LITTLE ONE. We were only in Key West for a week for crying out loud ... I guess Dr. Teats really tapped into his femine side more than I was aware of ... GOODness.

What will it be tomorrow ... daddy told me my poop stinks? haha. Silly boys ...always bursting our bubbless ...:)

THE MORNING SHTANK

I'm feeling like not-so-super-mom today ... I have a pounding headache (which don't want to sound whiny - that is really out of the ordinary for MF ..especially AFTER I've had my coffee) my little pistols have been at each other, LOUD (hmmm don't know where they get that?) and driving me nuts ...I'm tired of yelling no and threatening time outs ... I put the lil'est pistol down for a nap, and sent 3 year old out back unsupervised to blow bubbles ...WE ARE ALL STILL IN OUR COZIES ...ahhhh, the quiet, with my mocha...catching up on my favorite blogs. I feel only a little guilty ...:) BUT NOT THAT GUILTY ... hehe. Guess I better make myself productive at some point ...

OH WHAT TIMING ..ON THAT NOTE ..

Eldest pistol just came over by me, scrunched up her nose and goes "mom ...you are STINKY ..." and I said to her "You mean my breath is stinky does it smell like coffee?" She says "no, YOU are stinky ..and yah your breath is dragon breath too."

Damn it all ...guess that means I have to shower which means the only REAL dilemma at this point in time is ... do I wash my hair too or do day 2 nappy curly hair in a baseball cap ...you SO know what I'm gonna do don't ya. ...

Ta-ta for now ...I have a shower to take.

The Monokini ...and an accessory to go with it ...

Since you're waiting on pins and needles I'm sure ... let me take you out of your misery and put you into mine ... I have a lot to say tonight ...but, I'll just start with a short little story to get back in my GROOVE THANG with this silly little blog.

So ...Key West ...FAB. Lots to say bout that but I have weeks to recap the events ...but the one I think I need to unload the fastest is similar to a little story about SCUBA diving you may or may NOT recall ... I'm pretty sure I have a numb ass crack. No seriously ...

There is a long story that goes along with THIS new story about a few too many cocktails, an Irish Pub and a bathing suit purchase very late at night ... the only important fact from that saga is that it was a "Monokini" ...for starters I have no business in one of these gettups but 10 cocktails later I thought I looked like a freakin' Victoria Secret model in the damn thing and bought it. Needless to say ... the next day ..we head out for our daily sun worship and drink fest by the pool, and the lounge chairs by the pool were all taken so we had to venture out onto the dock that actually sat right on the ocean ... which was fine with us ... b/c that meant we were that much closer to the bar. So this is the pecking order ... me, (closest to the bar) Babalicous BFF, BFF's hubbalicious and Dr. Teats. I pounded a few mudslides and my gut was no longer appearing as if I'd just been recouping from gall bladder surgery or a lack of food or diarrhea, it looks like I was 8 months pregnant. I proceeded to the nearest ladies room which felt like it was a mile away ... I get in there as fast as I can and realize ...wet, sticky, MONOF'NKINI ... CRAP ... If I pull the whole thing off, good luck getting it back on ...picture saran wrap around a crap load of cottage cheese and there is your visual for the day.
So, my loopy genius came out in me ... and I thought to myself ...could I not just pull the bikini bottom part down over my arse ...go pee and then pull it back up- awkward but I think I can do it - still attached without peeling the whole contraption off me not to mention how ON EARTH would I ever get this thing back on?

Well girls... MF is now MFG ... BECAUSE IT WORKED LIKE A CHAMP ... and I was off and out of there and back to my lounge chair ... a whole slough of men standing at the bar admiring me as I settled back into my lounge chair ... my three compadres busy reading and resting ... I figure it's a good time to let everyone around admire my backside since it was a little on the pale side for day 3 in the Keys and I wanted to even out ...after about 30 minutes of the men at the bar besides themselves over my new monokini ...they had had enough to drink that they were just downright giddy with the giggles over me ... the HOT BFF (that they were all REALLY hot for - no joke) turns over to me and goes "GIRL ... YOU HAVE THE BIGGEST PIECE OF TOILET PAPER I'VE EVER SEEN STUCK IN YOUR BATHING SUIT HANGIN' OUT YOUR ASS AND FLAPPIN IN THE WIND ...I HAD TO LOOK TWICE BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS ..." This sister is cackling like only she and I can ... and she can't even take it ... it was one of those moments where as a NORMAL HUMAN BEING SHE WANTED TO STAND UP AND ANNOUNCE ."HEY Y'ALL...CAN I GET YOUR ATTENTION ... LOOK OVER HERE ...MY BESTIE JUST GOT TP STUCK IN HER FAT ASS IN THE REST ROOM AND HAS BEEN LYING OVER HERE IN IT FOR 30 MINUTES AHHHHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA HA!" But instead the GOOD FRIEND THAT SHE IS she had to just bury her head in her cover up that she was using as a pillow and muffle her endearing cackles...never ...ending...cackles.

And so, you see ... it wasn't just a square on the bottom of a wet shoe in the middle of winter ...it was about a foot and half long ...and I know how long it was ... and you want to know why I know how long it was? Because, as I explained a few moments later to my BFF, the rest room was out of toilet seat covers so I had to make my own because I wasn't stable enough to do the squat an inch over toilet without touching it ... so I pulled two strips, each a foot and a half or so long ... and put them on either side of the toilet ...dutied, and then when I turned to flush ...I saw the one go down but couldn't find the other one ... checked the floor on either side...nope, nothing... thought maybe I totally forgot to do the left side ... nope I am sure that I did ... hmmm ...how strange ... can't find it anywhere ...

Apparently, MF isn't such a MF'n Genius after all. Note to self: When swiftly pulling your monokini bottom back into desired position with a slight buzz... check for self made toilet seat cover hanging OUT YOUR ASS CRACK AND DARLING NEW BATHING SUIT ...

The really bad news: This wouldn't be the last time during the week that MF had toilet paper stuck in her crack. I'm going to have to start carrying a compact with me aren't I ... HOW DOES ONE NOT FEEL THESE THINGS? I really thought the hernias were bad but that 10 lb 2 oz pistol really left me with far worse dilemmas ...

I'm sure I've left you really wanting more ...cheers for now.

MF

A-OK

To the two of you who think this blog is entertaining and read it ... thanks for hanging in there as there has been a blog drought for M.F. this week. Don't worry, I still have my kidneys and my heart is still the original ... I'm not missing the gall bladder at all, however - it's been a bit like the salad shooter in the VERY BACK BATHROOM lately. I'm not sure what that's all about but they say it's normal - so I'm enjoying not being bloated for the first time E-V-E-R. The itching has subsided and although my stomach still looks like Edward Scissorhands artwork ... it's A-OK.

Well ... I have yet to find just the right color PURPLE sheets but the pistol has been sleeping quite well for the past few nights so that's A-OK too. The real stress has been preparing to get the hell out of dodge for a week WITHOUT the pistols ... and it's proven to be a challenge. My parents (bless their 69 year old hearts...) are moving in to my palace for a week to care for the girls. God love 'em because I need this vacation like nobody's business. Nevermind the fact that I can no longer scuba dive b/c I CAN'T LIFT OVER 30 LBS FOR 3 MORE WEEKS.

On that note, I have a lil story for you ... and BFF this one's for you because you were there, and you still like to hear me tell it over and over and over ...so here it goes ... Dr. Teats and I have BFF's up in Oregon (because that's where he Dr. Teats did his schooling) ... and they invited us on a little vacation to Key West, FL for a week. I thought it all sounded nuts ...but whatever - it's with them so who cared. Let me just preface the rest of the story but telling you it was one of the best weeks of my life and I'd highly recommend Key West (which is why I'm going back again this next week ...ha). So ... our BFF's are S.C.U.B.A. certified and love to dive - so they thought it would be a good idea to have us give it a test run. So we enrolled in a 'resort' course ...which was like a 4 hour classroom and in the pool gig that would allow us to do up to 30ft ...and we could go on the same dive as our certified friends ...the only catch was - we had to stay with the instructors during the dive (fine with me as I'm terrified of sharks and figured somehow they could smell one before I could...) So ... I'm a dumb Californian by nature (only living in Oregon at that time) that thought it was more important to have on a cute bikini instead of a functional one ... b/c Lord knows I'd been living in Oregon AND NEEDED TO GET MY TAN ON AS I WAS PALE AS A GHOST. So any chance at sun on my white body I had, I took.

Well I was about to take that tan gig to a whole new level. I put on my equipment (more than 30lbs) ... flop with my big ass fins to the side of the boat nervous as all hell, breathing heavy as can be (huge no-no in diving) and F-R-E-A-K-I-N-G out ... SO I hold onto my mask and HUGE BREATHING APPARATUS and step off of the back of the boat and in I drop into the cold ocean ... GIRLS AT THAT POINT ...I was just glad me and all of my stuff had all stayed together ...(as opposed to a yard sale right there in the ocean). So the next thing you do is go down this little rope 30 ft - every 3 ft or so pinching your nose and blowing so that you decompress or whatever ...(that is probably the totally wrong word making this all even more of a goat rope) One of the signs you learn is the A-OK sign ... because obviously you can't talk while underneath ...well my big mouth still TRIED, but you're not supposed to. So you have to have these goofy little codes. My BFF had to join me at the rope because after 3 feet my ears were ready to explode and I knew I had another 27 to go ...she had to get right in front of me eye to eye and I know she was cussing me to pay attention to her and CHILL THE F OUT. haha. She was truly patient though ... and got me to the bottom where we needed to be ...I'm still a mess - mask doesn't feel right, it's totally fogging up, I can't remember the trick of cleaning it out underwater to save my life, breathing doesn't feel right, I'm trying so hard to concentrate, I don't have enough weight on my belt to keep me down so I kept bobbing up which meant I'd have to get back down which obviously by now you know that's not my strength - those instructors clearly thought my ass was fatter than it was by the amount of weight they DIDN'T put on me and thought I already had - Anyway all of that going on ...while at the same time totally fascinated and amazed at what I AM able to see - it was like nothing I'd ever seen and immediately I was taken in with the fact that I'd made a great decision to participate in this little scuba diving excursion.

Here is where it gets good - our BFF's get to go on their own now so they are off and about exploring - every so often coming by for a swim to have a good underwater cackle at me flailing my arms like an octopus (another no-no) just trying to control myself ... I'm sure it was a sight to see because they kept coming over and then I'd just see their faces laughing (like that little girl with the braces on Nemo) their asses off and bubbles coming out of their masks like crazy. Anyhow Dr. Teats knew my one big fear was sharks or something getting me ... so he thinks that's terribly funny and is making great fun of my freak out, and he is totally relaxed and enjoying all of this as if he's been doing it for years ... and annoyingly enough - he's been swimming in front of me the whole time ...so it goes instructor 1 (hot), Dr. Teats, me, and instructor 2 (equally hot) and I'm close to my instructor like a baby dolphin fearing for her life. Anyway - next thing I know ... instructor 2 (who was behind me) has made some motion to instructor 1 and now they are both extremely interested in showing me new things, and making sure I'm ok (said A-OK sign) and I was getting a lot of those from them which I thought was SUPER nice and accommodating ... a big tip was on the way for them ...so NOW they are waving me on to go ahead of them and explore ...and they would stay close behind ... and CLOSE BEHIND ME THEY WERE ... Dr. Teats is still ahead and I'm following him close now feeling pretty confident about my new found diving skills BECAUSE if my instructors think I'm A-OK - then I MUST be. About this time - Dr. Teats spots a Lobster or something behind a rock and feels compelled to sit and stare at it for awhile - that didn't amuse me at all - show me the big pretty fish and barracuda ... and I'm happy, so I kept going ..instructors still right on my tail sweet as can be, BLESS THEIR HEARTS - THEY WERE SO AWESOME! Pretty soon ... I feel what I'm sure is A SHARK bump into my foot ... and I turn around in a panic ...it's Dr. Teats ...laughing and pointing at me ...I DON'T GIVE HIM THE A-OK SIGN ...I flip him the notorious BIRD ON POINT ...b/c I figure that should be a universal diving sign ...and I shoo him away and in my bubbled mask, underwatered voice tell him to get the F away from me and leave me alone and stop scaring me ...but he keeps following after me, and tugging at me ... I'm totally annoyed not understanding why my good and faithful instructors aren't stepping up to the plate and shaming him for "playing games" underwater!!! Finally ..Dr. Teats puts his hands up to me with no smile, palms flat out at me like "calm down" b/c I'm now flipping him DOUBLE barrels ... and really getting pissed ... and he comes up behind me slowly - still motioning me to stay calm. HE PROCEEDS, TO PULL BOTH, BBBOOOOOOOOOOTH SIDES OF MY BIKINI BOTTOM OUT OF MY ASS CRACK ... and ladies, the way it felt when he pulled them out - they had to have been WAYYYY up there I WAS HORRIFIED. They must have gone up enema style when I plunged in off of the back of the boat and I was so concerned with everything else I didn't even know. I know I know, you say to yourself ...HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW MOCHAFREAK THAT YOUR BATHING SUIT WAS ENTIRELY UP YOUR ASS ... well, I didn't know (let's not forget it was a LITTLE one, and this was a time in life while I was still wearing a thong and not going commando yet so it felt normal I'm sure ha!) ... what I DO KNOW ...is that I now know, why I had such fantastic, attentive ...dive instructors that had all the faith in the world in me to lead the dive. They were A-OK.

Hopefully I'll have one last post for you tomorrow before I bid you farewell ... but it's not likely. I have to go get toes, nails, and A WHOLE LOT OF HAIR WAXED OFF IN THE NEXT TWO HOURS ...just in case someone ends up following me while snorkeling ... may as well be nice and trimmed up. haha.

Thanks for letting me write this blog ...I make myself laugh writing it. Hope you are all well ... thanks for your well wishes and thoughts and prayers I truly am feeling much better. :)

XOXO
M.F.

My Purple-ish Prayer for today ...

So I was off to take the pistol to preschool this morning ... late as usual, no mocha yet, so I'm in a bit of a crabby mood ...but that was about to change. We're listening to the radio ... and goodness knows, as much as I wanted to be listening to Top 20 on my XM ... my husband had been driving the car the night before and had it on "The Message" (the Christian station) - God love him, we were on our way from taking dinner to some friends and had the pistols with us, and I had it on top 20, and Katy Perry popped on and my husband changed it as fast as he could to "The Message" haha. He's afraid the pistols are going to kiss a girl and like it. Anyway - so this song comes on this morning - AWESOME worship song ..I'll admit it, I was singing ...and the eldest pistol shouts (b/c she as only one volume) "MOM, IS THIS JESUS SINGING?"
MF:"No, it's a guy singing about Jesus"
Pistol1: "No mom I'm pretty sure it's Jesus ..."
MF: "No sweet pea, it really is a guy that's just singing a song about how we need to worship Jesus."
Pistol1"Mom ... did you know sometimes Jesus sings with me in my room?"
MF: "Oh really ... what do you sing???"
Pistol1"How do I know???" (from Enchanted...) "Also mom, did you know he has his own room?"
MF: "Oh yah? Where is it?"
Pistol: "Behind the bathroom ...do you know what color his bed is?"
MF: "No ..is it white?"
Pistol: "no mom, MY bed is white - HIS is purple. And did you know Jesus likes to play too? And He lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvves my toys mom."
MF:"Which of your toys does he like best?"
Pistol:"My purple bear (this is a sparkly lavendar build a bear dressed in sleeping beauty attire)"

I cracked up. It made my day. How comforting (I think...) to know Jesus has a room in my house ... a little concerned also, that He thinks he needs to have his own space here - He obviously knows the momma of the house - well actually maybe He's here for big daddy - seriously - you know that old addage "If momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy ..." in our house ... "If Dr. Teats ain't happy ain't nobody happy..." So I'm hoping Jesus is here more for him that me. haha.

Now, if Jesus could just get rid of my 'lil pistol's night terrors - well I know He CAN ..I just wish He would think now was a good time to answer our prayers. The pistol informed me yesterday that if only her bed was PURPLE, then maybe she wouldn't be scared or get out of her bed ...

MY PRAYER FOR TODAY:
SWEET JESUS, OBVIOUSLY YOU LOVE PURPLE, LET'S GO TO POTTERY BARN ...NOW! DAMN IT. AMEN.

Five point Sunday ...(it is Sunday right?)

Five points about nothing much this fine Sunday afternoon:

1) I itch like a MF ... (thank you Monogram chic for pointing out my initials ... in this instance MF doesn't stand for Mocha Freak) ..I am dying - every last one of my seven incisions is ON FIRE...I'm perfectly fine with being a hot mess every once in awhile, but not THIS kind of hot mess - is it possible to be allergic to the little surgical tape they put over your incisions to heal them? CAH-RAP! Other than that however, a lovely recovery. haha.

2) It is NOT amusing when someone tells you the Starbucks closest to your house is closing Nov. 1 due to the economy... "eh heh ONLY JOKING" he says. What a jackass. I wanted to call him that to his face but I was at church....I still could have - I'm just saying ... he was, after all, one of my faithful volunteers... I NEED him. So I laughed ..."ha ha ha ..." as heartily as I could and then blamed the lack of enthusiasm on the lack of a gall bladder.

3) I called my dog 'sissy' yesterday ...SISSY - ARE YOU KIDDING - that is reserved for the PISTOLS, not dogs. Needless to say, THE DOGS WENT OUT. There is now a hole in the pool fence, the seeded grass that was not quite done is dug up, there is dog hair on my patio furniture (looks like Restoration Hardware for the price of Home depot furniture - still - way cuter without black lab dog hair) b/c the dogs got so cozy in the house they decided to make a home for themselves outside, and Dr. Teats, well, let's just say ... he's one TICKED OFF DUTCHMAN.

4) Thank you sweet BABY JESUS that Sportsman Warehouse opened last night ...just in time ..SIMMA DOWN NOW DR. TEATS ...

5) I'm sure you're all hoping for a positive MF (that's mocha freak, THIS time...) in the days to come ...she's in here somewhere...I promise.

Can I just tell you ... I have an annoying neighbor, a hilarious 3 year old, a dog with a smelly booty and a HUGE STOMACH AFTER THE FREAKING AWESOME CHICKEN ENCHILADAS MY GIRLFRIEND DROPPED OFF TODAY? CRAP. (crap is right ...I'm so screwed later, and not screwed in a good way, screwed in a sit on the toilet with a bowl on my lap sort of way ...as I type, a large, red, plastic popcorn bowl sits on the tank of the toilet - JUST IN CASE.) But the good news is girls ... I had a mocha today baby, and I had it in a VERY, very cute preppy travel mug...was I traveling anywhere? Only from the couch, to the kitchen, to the front lawn (you can do the math after reading on ...) to the toity, to the couch again ...and boy I didn't look cute, BUT MY MOCHA DID.

1) Queen of the culdesac (looky-loo-Lucy, Rubber-necky-Becky ..you all have one in your life ...) - made her way over to see why when she rang my door bell at 2:30 in the afternoon one day past said surgery and the dogs started barking wildly (see post about outdoor dogs indoors due to reseeding backyard) and Mochafreaksmomma went BALLISTIC ON HER ABOUT COMING BACK TO BEG FOR JOG-A-THON MONEY NEXT WEEK ..MOCHAFREAK JUST HAD SURGERY AND IS TRYING TO SLEEP AS ARE LIL PISTOLS - it IS 2:30 IN THE AFTERNOON AFTER ALL...so I explain to QOTCDS - with as little detail as I am able. Her mission is now accomplished ...she's GOT to go ... even has the nerve to apologize for her greasy hair and what she looks like ... haha - I should show you a picture of what I LOOKED like but then you'd be throwing up with me and there is really no need for that tonight. One of us is enough. Who knows you may have had da-lish-ous chicken enchiladas too and what a shame it would be to toss them.

2) Dr. Teats informs me today that the 3 year old barreled into his room last night at midnight (I'm still on the sectional ladies ...propped up and loving it ...as it means Chelsey Lately cackling at 11:30 with NO dirty looks or growls ...) So big daddy has told Pistol #1 that while mommy doesn't feel good - if she has an issue - it's ok to come bug him - in otherwords, march march march (can you picture it?) right past mommy from one side of the house, (pistols bedrooms) to the OTHER side of the house (our bedroom) family room in the middle where mommy has parked her not-as-fat-as-last-wednesday-arse for a few days. So she marched alright RIGHT PAST ME and proceeds to bark at him "DADDY, MOVE OVER." he goes "What do you mean move over, No, what's wrong?" She barks "Daddy - I want to get in bed move over ..." (another little side note - this is VERY out of the ordinary for us - rule in our house - no pistols in daddy's bed - mommy doesn't mind but he just doesn't go for that ... NOT EVEN WHEN BREASTFEEDING - WHICH IS A WHOLE "NOTHER" POST ...which makes this even funnier )... so he says " Why???" (totally annoyed) and she says "DADDYY PUH-LEASE - BECAUSE IT'S ALREADY WARMED UP WHERE YOU ARE!!! MOOOOOVE ALREADY!" Ok it makes me LOL again just typing it ... I LOVE that he moved over to the other side, they both slept like champs, which means MOMMA DID TOO. (RARITY AROUND HERE ...whoo hoo!)


3) I'm totally done with these dogs in the house ...(10 more days Lord help me )... Lola-rotten-crotch sent me over the edge this morning at 4:30am. She is WAY worse than the Dutch-oven... (when Dr. Teats lifts the sheets in the morning and wipes me out ...)

4)Do I even need to address the chicken enchilada casserole ...I think I've said enough. :)

5) My TGEWM tasted EXTRA delicioso (yes we watch Dora) in my new personalized in chocolate and turquoise preppy travel mug designed by the one and only MONOGRAMCHICK ...love it girl ... see her great stuff at www.monogramchick.com She can make a girl feel rockin', even when she's havin' a not-so-rockin'-day. ;)

Time for a Vicodin ...
Hugs,
Mochafreak

"But ..."

Well, Dr. Teats has redeemed himself, doing laundry, bringing my mochas, CLEANING THE KITCHEN (well kinda),taking great care of the little pistols. Butttttttttt, (isn't there ALWAYS A BUT?) this morning he about punched a hole in the wall. Here is what went down ...he'd just arrived home from dropping off the oldest pistol at preschool (thank you Jesus for preschool) , two steaming coffees in hand ...he'd already handed me mine and then went back to get his and the lil pistol, so he sets the lil pistol down on the floor, and around the corner with excitement tears Lola the VERY large Boxer ... knocks the baby into the wall, Dr. Teats Venti Coffee goes flying everywhere ... baby screaming (huge goose egg on her head poor thing), dog running for her life, Dr. Teats shaking with RAGE and anger, with baby screaming in his arms ... part hurt part terrified I'm sure, as was I ...

Meanwhile, I'm lounging in my assumed position in corner wedge of sectional, sipping my triple grande extra whip mocha ... and calmly ask ..."hey ... want me to make you some coffee?" He replies as he sits the crying baby next to me and hits a wall REALLY hard and may or may not have dropped F bomb on his way back to clean up the coffee ..."THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!!! I HAVE NO COFFEE LEFT ... THAT DAMN DOG DUMPED THE WHOLE THING ..."

I thought that was the point, he had no coffee, so I was gonna make him some, I'm just sayin' ....

On another note, he just brought me in a card from Coach, it says "$50 off your purchase of $150 or more" ...I told him I'd get right on that ...he said "don't say I never gave you anything ..." Guess he's simmered down ... too bad the coffee never had a chance to ...(I'd belly laugh but it still hurts.)

Mocha in a tube ...(I'll take it anyway I can get it ...)

Well girlfriends, I am one gall bladder short, 3 hernias repaired, and whooped up on Vidodin ...so the way I see it ... life is pretty good because in theory, based on the size of the gall stone the surgeon saved for me, that looks like two skittles melted together, (this was only one of MANY) I ought to be about 10lbs lighter, my gutt should now be flatter as the hernias are no longer bulging my stomach out, and did I mention I'm whooped up on Vicodin? Again - I think things are looking good....

I also must note, one of my BFF's who we'll refer to as "The Diva" is the best cook - and she came over to fuss over me and the pistols last night since Dr. Teats was out of town ... she showed up with an extrawhip mocha for yours truly, she made the most delicious rigatoni I've ever had (that's my fave) not to mention baking Halloween cookies with my pistol, making another casserole which went into the freezer for later, a home made peach cobbler ...and garlic/butter sourdough bread ... WOW ... my house smelled better than it ever has ... I told her I'd see her same time next Friday. Damn what a great night. Oh - and she brought me a copy of People, Us and Redbook? Does she ROCK???? Yes, yes she does.

I have stories about the surgery experience, but better wait til I'm clear headed so as not to offend anyone ... but I'll torment you with the fact that my anesthesiologist was Dr. Ding, she was about 40, cute as can be, glasses, came in in her scrubs, little hat, with her black nine west purse on her shoulder, and the first thing she said to me was "GOOOD MOH-NING ... I COME TO GIVE YOU HAPPPPPPPPPY MEDICINE ...I BET YOU NOT HAVE YOU STAWBUCKS YET ...I GIVE YOU STAWBUCKS IN TWO MINUTES ....MMMMM STAWBUCKS - I PUT IN YOH I.V.!!!!" I was laughing so hard I would have peed the bed if I hadn't just peed in a cup ... she made the whole crappy morning so much better. :)

Anyway - thanks for the prayers - I was well taken care of and all went well.

Mochafreak

p.s. - Dr Teats rolled in from his hunting trip at 1:30pm today ... he was happy to report he shot THREE, (yes you read that correctly) ...THREE DUCKS. More on that tomorrow ...first we have to see how tonight unfolds because I'm pretty sure I'll have more material. Hopefully you won't read about us in the papers tomorrow morning ....

Good News in the Drive Thru!

Just a follow up on the last post ...Dr. Teats just called for two reasons ...1) he wanted to let me know that his work today is up north - within miles of his duck blind ...and there are DUCKS EVERYWHERE, so he's really excited about hunting this weekend, and I quote "that is, if everything goes well and I can ACTUALLY go hunting ..." and 2) That a dear friend of ours, was in front of him at 5:30 in Starbucks drive thru this morning ... she bought his coffee, then pulled forward far enough to let him pull up to the window and wait for his coffee, jumped out of her car, and wanted him to know that gall bladder surgery is serious business, and they say it's all an easy recovery but that I'd better take it easy ...and to please call her if I needed anything (totally sincere) BUT, THAT SHE'D LOST 12 lbs as a result ... Dr. Teats couldn't have been more elated at that news ... Bless her heart - she's trying to throw me a bone, even bought his dang coffee to get his attention, and he misses the ENTIRE POINT. Dare I refer back to a certain 'bird on point' ...because that's about what I'm thinkin' girlfriends ....

Cheers ...and if I write something tomorrow, it would be safe to say I'll be doped up so don't take me too seriously ...

Lord Bless This Mess ....

Every night (well those that he is home haha) after Dr. Teats says grace before dinner ...(yes, we pray in our family ... and you're all thinking LORD KNOWS SHE NEEDS IT ...) the Pistol 1 says "Lord Bless, this food and drink, for Jesus' sake, AMEN!" She does not say it with conviction, however she says it with zest. Clearly, Mochafreak didn't teach it to her, I'd be teaching her some chant like, "STARBUCKS RULES, FOR MOMMY'S SAKE, AND DADDY'S, OH AND OUR SAKE TOO, AMEN." I think Dr. Teats must have chanted this little prayer when he was a little Dutch boy just before he went out to milk cows and feed the calves ... so he thinks it's cute to have his pistols do it to. He's all about routine, I, on the other hand, AM NOT. I'm more of a, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-big-girl-pants kind of chick.

So this is what I'm thinking last night as my pistol is rolling her eyes, flipping her hair back and forth nearly throwing herself off of the barstool ... and doing her 'heart felt' prayer ... how 'bout a "LORD BLESS THIS MESS of a mom I have!" ...as we had egg sandwiches for dinner, (gross), the house is a mess, I'm a mess (showered but that's as good as it got), our huge boxer and black lab are in the house because the back yard is getting seeded and they can't be outside for 3 weeks, and I'm WIPED out ... not for any good reason necessarily - I think it's that "overwhelmed" feeling, because I know I need to get this MESS cleaned up before tomorrow ... when I have that pain in the arse gall bladder and the stones that come with it removed (and the added bonus of a hernia repair at the same time) ... b/c chances are - someone will DROP in other than my loving momma who doesn't judge her mess of a daughter ... and I don't want to be embarrassed. All I really want to do today is go buy two new cute lounge outfits for the next few days ...haha. I know you know what I'm talking about ...somehow recovery always feels better when you feel cute. :)

Two points of interest:
1) surgery is on Thursday, guess who's going to his duck blind located 2 hours away Friday (spending the night) and Saturday? It is opening of Duck Season after all ...

2)Ask me how much food I have in my pantry and fridge? (reference egg sandwiches for dinner last night....)

CRAP. Do ya think I had better stop whining and get my butt in gear? Ha. I still think I'm blessed, mess and all.

Have a good day, and my the Good Lord bless your mess too ...:)

Love Sh(n)ack Baby!

Alright, so ...crazy, CRAZY weekend ...(but I won't spare you with those details - YET ...) anyway - I lie down on the couch late after a nutty day... and I get a whiff of myself ... (that in itself is a funny statement but it's not going where you think it's going ...) Sisters, I smell DA-LISH-OUS ... (that's 'delicious' for you teachers I know read this crap...). So, Dr. Teats has been SO freaking into me lately, which, let's be honest he's ALWAYS into me, but EXTRA... to the point where it's a litttttttle fishy ... I mean he's clearly been GONE A LOT LATELY ...so I'm all for it, but I couldn't put a finger on it. For the love - I'm trompin' around in lounge pants, a baggy sweatshirt, hair in a pony with the headband goin' - ain't NOTHIN' sexy about that gettup. Now - back to the whiff - so seriously ... do you know what I smell like? Sit down ... and prepare yourselves for this ... I always thought men liked the something else - wasn't sure what - the chocolately musky smell, or the ocean smell, or the floral smell - or lately it's been the BERRY smell, and well, quite frankly I was GETTING CLOSE with the V.S. Love Spell - but girls SCRAP ALL OF THAT ...I SMELLED LIKE KETTLE CORN ...K-E-T-T-L-E C-O-R-N (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?) why does that figure? HE loves cows ... he deals with cow feed every day ... put a little sugar on a little corn and DAMN SKIPPY OF COURSE HE LOVES IT.

Anyway - it's called Vanille and I got it at Anthropologie because it smelled like VA-NIL-LA, not Kettle Corn ... however, on me, AFTER A LONG SWEATY DAY ...it smells like KETTLE CORN, Dr. Teats clearly loves it ...therefore, it's a keeper.

Who knew making myself smell like a tasty shnack would get Dr. Teats all wound up ...? Whatever works ladies, whatever works ... forget the song Love Shack ...it's Love Shnack in my house.

Until tomorrow, unless my Gall Bladder Ruptures first ...

Connect the Dots ...

My most hilarious girlfriend (I have a few but this one takes the cake every time ...) - calls this morning and leaves me a voice message on my cell ...

"Oh puh-lease, why can't you answer the phone, is your 3 yr old playing connect the dots on your gall stones? (insert cackle cackle on her end and then...) So you're having gall bladder surgery huh? (cackle) ... I guess you've OFFICIALLY joined the fat, over 40 and white club! (insert another contageous cackle) ...Isn't that what gall stones are associated with anyhow? Fat, white, 40ish?" (some more cackles ...)

Sweet Jesus. I spit out my mocha. I just thought it was too hysterical not to share ...not like I'm going to forget ... how could I? Love her.

My thoughtful BFF ...

My BFF just called to make my day ...she said that there are $100 worth of Starbucks gift cards for $79 Costco...could it be TRUE? If you'd like me to do the math on what that means to me ... Two Starbucks a day, at $4.00 is $240.00 a month (based on a 30 day month) ...so if even if I was only (ONLY, haha - now THAT'S funny) spending $200.00 a month ON STARBUCKS (yes, girls, it's the truth), I'd be saving (key word) $42 bucks a month just like that! Now I realize that the intent Costco has, is to create a savings on your GIFT GIVING THIS LOVELY HOLIDAY SEASON ... I say ...Merry Christmas TO ME ALL YEAR LONG BABY! The way I see it all ... is I've got another $50 (plus) bucks a month to blow at Target ... he he he. Thanks BFF. You're always looking out for me darlin'.

Throw me a bone (not the kind you're thinking of dirty girls ...)

Good Afternoon (the only reason I know it's afternoon is because I already did the preschool pick up ...):

Anyone reading this crap, get yourself settled in for another novela ...

Dr. Teats is out of state (don't everyone pass out all at once ...what a shocker huh?) again for a few days ... so you know I don't ever want to interrupt his sleep - it is VERY precious, and poor thing doesn't function very well when he hasn't had a good nights sleep (unlike all of the rest of you who love getting little sleep and still having to function the next day.) My concern for him is that especially on these frequent trips, he has a LOT of work to do, and I am quite certain that he spends all of his spare time in the airport working on his laptop, (as opposed to chillin' in bars drinking a Blue Moon and having a giant burger and watching ESPN) and of course making the most of his time in flight working as well (not watching an inflight movie or talking to the hot mess in seat 20A because she too, has very long legs and needs an exit row, who happens to be in the SAME line of work, totally relates to the crazy amount of travel and HAVING to be away from the family and what a sacrifice it is to provide ...bless her heart). So I just want to make sure that the nightly night terrors (no joke sisters) of the eldest pistol don't effect him. It is MY job after all ... (how 'bout a "bless my heart?")

Nevermind how the lack of sleep effects me (it's not obvious is it?)... I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THE ELDEST PISTOL TAKEN TO SCHOOL FOR ME AND A TGEW (TRIPLE GRANDE EXTRA WHIP) DELIVERED BACK TO ME WITHOUT GETTING DRESSED OR IN THE CAR ... got any ideas?

Cheese and rice, what is it with these chicks that show up in full hair and makeup, look as if they just took the car to the car wash, had a mani and pedi, had a cut, color and style minutes earlier, and are dressed to the nines. I'm running in and out of there with a baseball cap to cover my nappy arse naturally curly hair that no way in hell got flat ironed (let alone washed) this morning, and huge ass glasses ... jeans and something knit over a wife beater tank (b/c that's how I roll). What is the deal? Someone enlighten me ... I know these freakshows and they're not going to work ...they're going back home, (after they go through the Starbucks drive through in their shiney black escalades ...) and then home to turn on the Today Show, The View (or in my case Tevo'd Desperate Housewives from Sunday because you were busy 'taking care of business' while the show aired because it's the only night out of 9 you're hubby will be home.) I KNOW, because I'm behind them in Starbucks,(in my not-so-shiney-more practical WHITE SUV) and go home and do the same thing. Listen, it is what it is, I'm not going to sit here and tell you I pick up an energy boost, calorie burning Jamba Juice, or green tea, go to the gym, then go home and put the pot roast in and dust baseboards ...puh-lease. That is totally my dream ...but it's not reality in the life of Mocha Freak. The difference is, I don't go drink my coffee in my heels and boob-job revealing hussified top (I'm all for boob jobs by the way until they're being marketed), and denim skirt to the knees ... I go home in my cozies. I mean ... FOR CRYING OUT LOUD ... am I the only disaster? Is everyone else EN FUEGO and raring to go at 8am? Good grief.

Sidenote: In the spirit of presenting all sides and not being too dramatic, (which quite frankly is the way I'd prefer to write,) there are the very few that are in work out attire ... and really are on their way to the gym, and I can respect them ... as long as they arent skinny, with good hair or make up at 8:15am. haha. Cheers to all of you that this applies to ... rock on sisters, but I still think you suck.

Someone THROW ME A BONE here because I don't get it.

Needless to say ... I'm so tired today I didn't get a lick done - I just played with the baby pistol ... so I can't even send a "hell yeah, I rocked today" to Clemsongirl ... which is so humiliating.

But, did I enjoy my TGEWM? HELL YAH ... (that's for you cg.)

If you're lucky no posts til tomorrow ...we'll have to see how tonight goes ... (Lord help me.)

Roast Beast

So, the 3 1/2 year old pistol ... has named the stuffed 'lion' that she requested on Dr. Teats last monthly "business trip" ... ARE YOU SITTING ....

'ROAST BEAST'

(why do I keep saying it out loud, over and over and it's still so funny?)

So MY BIG QUESTION OF THE DAY IS, what are we doing too much of in this household ...Beauty and the Beast or the declicious deli meat that we look forward to on day 9 of our fatloss4idiots diet ...(which I must note is one day after 'all veggie day' which quite simply is HELL ...roast beef tastes like chocolate on day 9.)

Either way the lil Pistol has a VERY active mind which is so exciting. I just got a whole lot more excited about what Dr. Teats might pull out of the white plastic airport gift shop bag Thursday of this week ... :) The name game could be a little entertaining, I KINDA LOVE IT!

GOODBYE MONDAY ...(thank God.)

Preschool open house ...ANYONE?

URGENT:

Can the eldest Pistol's private Christian preschool PLEASE schedule another VERY NECESSARY 'open house' so that Dr. Teats and I can let the Teat-in-laws know, "unfortunately - we HAVE to go to another open house ...would you mind watching the kids for just a little while - school is just up the street...blah blah blah" and then after the 5 minute "view the 3 yr old artwork and stand 'seemingly' amused and blown away by how adorable the kids personalized cubbies, painted and handcrafted masterpieces and classroom all are"... GO DRINK STOCKHOLM ROYALES FOR 2 HOURS WITH FELLOW OPEN HOUSERS (of course we need to toast to the pistols starting preschool ... it was to HONOR - THE - KIDS...)UNTIL WE REALIZE - OH CRAP - OUR PARENTS ARE ALL HOME WITH THE LIL PISTOLS, AND HOW LONG COULD OPEN HOUSE HAVE BEEN AFTER ALL? (never mind who's gonna drive us home?)

Need I say? ... I LOVE PRESCHOOL OPEN HOUSE! (And I especially love, that on the flier they sent home with the information about preschool open house, that they were very specific about NO KIDS ... I was more than happy to honor their wishes. And now I'm more than happy to go again ...and again ...and again ...)

Who knew preschool 'open house' even existed, but listen up my SISTERS...if it takes a freaking preschool open house to get us out on a pseudo-date night with free babysitting from the inlaws ... I'M ALL FOR IT ...DESPERATE TIMES, CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES.

Oh, and totally unrelated (ok well not TOTALLY unrelated) it was a good Sunday - thanks pastor for talking about drinking beer in church ...LOVE that too.

Cheers.

I need a drink ...(and I'm not talking about a triple grande extra whip mocha ...THIS time.)

Today was less than exciting ... it was the usual 3 year old train party where I got "train sick" on the third round of the train ride, but ya know, ANYTHING for the kids ...(cute party and all, I'm just sayin' ...), a Piggies and Paws home party next door, (you all know exactly what I'm talkin' about too - she came to the Uppercase Living party I hosted at my house, so I for SURE have to return the respect of going to the party she's hosting at hers ... cute party and all, I'm just sayin') ... and FINALLY, not a MOMENT TOO SOON Dr. Teats blew in from South Dakota in his camo hoodie (see Bird on Point post) ...

So, here is what I don't get about that - I understand wearing camo WHILE you're hunting, or if you're in your military gear I totally respect that of course - but for crying out loud ... do you have to wear your camo hoodie on your way home from your "HUNTING TRIP?" No one on United airlines is going to see your hoodie and ask HOW MANY DITCH PARROTS (that's ditch bank okie for Pheasants or so I'm told ...) you shot ... just funny. It's like a football player wearing his cleats home ... right?

The point of all of this is only to say, when he got home - he suggested dinner OUT (yahooooooo it doesn't take much for him to redeem himself from "the" phone call) - but here is the thing I want to know - does anyone else have a battle with yourself when you take the kids to dinner, after hubby has been GONE for four days, and you've been cooped up with slim to none adult interaction (aside from "parties" and ultrasounds), you're ordering your chips and guacamole, and the time comes for drink requests? This is what I'm sayin' - Sprite for the 3 year old, water for the sippy cup for the baby, and I give the dagger-eyes to Dr. Teats ... and I'm thinking, you had BETTER not order beer after you've just been drinking and shooting (oxymoron) for 4 days and I SO NEED A JACK AND COKE ... and next thing I know he blurts out with a hugeeeee happy grin "I'LL TAKE A BLUE MOON - MAKE IT A LARGE ..."

Drop F bomb in my head, order my damn Pepsi, and I'm driving us all home from Chapalas. Guess it's time to schedule an Arbonne Party during the next Cowboys game ...

Bird on Point ...

So I intend to share my favorite story or thought of the day just to keep myself (and perhaps you as well) humored ... so here is the dealio ...today's best funny is way too inappropriate to share in public ... so you're getting the next best (which isn't nearly as good as the best, but it will have to do, since I need to get this blog started ...)

I have been having these horrid abdominal attacks that come on out of nowhere for a few months now. They last about an hour (the last one so horrid I accidentally locked my little pistols in the car as I tried to stumble out of the driver's seat without falling to my knees ...anyway thank God for onstar ...) - so I had to go in for an ultrasound today to take a looky-loo.

So big daddy has it rough, and is on "another" little hunting trip in South Dakota. So I get out of the appointment and figure I'd better call him and let him know that they didn't find a large tumor or something - but instead of a few little gall stones, but HE DOESN'T KNOW THIS YET ...I'm figuring he's waiting on pins and needles - feeling so bad he can't be around to hear the news in person, not to mention what if poor little me has an attack while he's gone ... haha - (WHATEVAH - JUST BEING DRAMATIC) - SO back to the call ... he answers his cell phone which honestly I really didn't expect him to - and before I'm even able to get out "I just got out of the ultrasound" ... he cuts me off at "I.." and whispers as if he's the crocodile hunter ..."BABE - I'M HUNTING, AND I HAVE A "BIRD ON POINT" ... SO IF I DROP THE PHONE IT'S BECAUSE I'M TAKING A SHOT ..."

Oh puh-lease (HUGE EYEROLL) ...at this point ...I HAD A BIRD ON POINT FOR HIM AND IT WAS THE MIDDLE ONE WITH A BROKEN NAIL. The rest of the conversation is really not important ... the fact that it's gall stones is THRILLING to me and I was elated to share that news and he said "I'm so sorry to hear that sweetie ..." RIGHHHHHTTT ...he barely heard a word I said other than I wasn't headed to the ER DYING - which THANK GOD FOR HIM B/C HEAVEN FORBID HE HAVE TO RUSH HOME.

We all know there was no bird on point ... I'm just sayin' ...