A-OK

To the two of you who think this blog is entertaining and read it ... thanks for hanging in there as there has been a blog drought for M.F. this week. Don't worry, I still have my kidneys and my heart is still the original ... I'm not missing the gall bladder at all, however - it's been a bit like the salad shooter in the VERY BACK BATHROOM lately. I'm not sure what that's all about but they say it's normal - so I'm enjoying not being bloated for the first time E-V-E-R. The itching has subsided and although my stomach still looks like Edward Scissorhands artwork ... it's A-OK.

Well ... I have yet to find just the right color PURPLE sheets but the pistol has been sleeping quite well for the past few nights so that's A-OK too. The real stress has been preparing to get the hell out of dodge for a week WITHOUT the pistols ... and it's proven to be a challenge. My parents (bless their 69 year old hearts...) are moving in to my palace for a week to care for the girls. God love 'em because I need this vacation like nobody's business. Nevermind the fact that I can no longer scuba dive b/c I CAN'T LIFT OVER 30 LBS FOR 3 MORE WEEKS.

On that note, I have a lil story for you ... and BFF this one's for you because you were there, and you still like to hear me tell it over and over and over ...so here it goes ... Dr. Teats and I have BFF's up in Oregon (because that's where he Dr. Teats did his schooling) ... and they invited us on a little vacation to Key West, FL for a week. I thought it all sounded nuts ...but whatever - it's with them so who cared. Let me just preface the rest of the story but telling you it was one of the best weeks of my life and I'd highly recommend Key West (which is why I'm going back again this next week ...ha). So ... our BFF's are S.C.U.B.A. certified and love to dive - so they thought it would be a good idea to have us give it a test run. So we enrolled in a 'resort' course ...which was like a 4 hour classroom and in the pool gig that would allow us to do up to 30ft ...and we could go on the same dive as our certified friends ...the only catch was - we had to stay with the instructors during the dive (fine with me as I'm terrified of sharks and figured somehow they could smell one before I could...) So ... I'm a dumb Californian by nature (only living in Oregon at that time) that thought it was more important to have on a cute bikini instead of a functional one ... b/c Lord knows I'd been living in Oregon AND NEEDED TO GET MY TAN ON AS I WAS PALE AS A GHOST. So any chance at sun on my white body I had, I took.

Well I was about to take that tan gig to a whole new level. I put on my equipment (more than 30lbs) ... flop with my big ass fins to the side of the boat nervous as all hell, breathing heavy as can be (huge no-no in diving) and F-R-E-A-K-I-N-G out ... SO I hold onto my mask and HUGE BREATHING APPARATUS and step off of the back of the boat and in I drop into the cold ocean ... GIRLS AT THAT POINT ...I was just glad me and all of my stuff had all stayed together ...(as opposed to a yard sale right there in the ocean). So the next thing you do is go down this little rope 30 ft - every 3 ft or so pinching your nose and blowing so that you decompress or whatever ...(that is probably the totally wrong word making this all even more of a goat rope) One of the signs you learn is the A-OK sign ... because obviously you can't talk while underneath ...well my big mouth still TRIED, but you're not supposed to. So you have to have these goofy little codes. My BFF had to join me at the rope because after 3 feet my ears were ready to explode and I knew I had another 27 to go ...she had to get right in front of me eye to eye and I know she was cussing me to pay attention to her and CHILL THE F OUT. haha. She was truly patient though ... and got me to the bottom where we needed to be ...I'm still a mess - mask doesn't feel right, it's totally fogging up, I can't remember the trick of cleaning it out underwater to save my life, breathing doesn't feel right, I'm trying so hard to concentrate, I don't have enough weight on my belt to keep me down so I kept bobbing up which meant I'd have to get back down which obviously by now you know that's not my strength - those instructors clearly thought my ass was fatter than it was by the amount of weight they DIDN'T put on me and thought I already had - Anyway all of that going on ...while at the same time totally fascinated and amazed at what I AM able to see - it was like nothing I'd ever seen and immediately I was taken in with the fact that I'd made a great decision to participate in this little scuba diving excursion.

Here is where it gets good - our BFF's get to go on their own now so they are off and about exploring - every so often coming by for a swim to have a good underwater cackle at me flailing my arms like an octopus (another no-no) just trying to control myself ... I'm sure it was a sight to see because they kept coming over and then I'd just see their faces laughing (like that little girl with the braces on Nemo) their asses off and bubbles coming out of their masks like crazy. Anyhow Dr. Teats knew my one big fear was sharks or something getting me ... so he thinks that's terribly funny and is making great fun of my freak out, and he is totally relaxed and enjoying all of this as if he's been doing it for years ... and annoyingly enough - he's been swimming in front of me the whole time ...so it goes instructor 1 (hot), Dr. Teats, me, and instructor 2 (equally hot) and I'm close to my instructor like a baby dolphin fearing for her life. Anyway - next thing I know ... instructor 2 (who was behind me) has made some motion to instructor 1 and now they are both extremely interested in showing me new things, and making sure I'm ok (said A-OK sign) and I was getting a lot of those from them which I thought was SUPER nice and accommodating ... a big tip was on the way for them ...so NOW they are waving me on to go ahead of them and explore ...and they would stay close behind ... and CLOSE BEHIND ME THEY WERE ... Dr. Teats is still ahead and I'm following him close now feeling pretty confident about my new found diving skills BECAUSE if my instructors think I'm A-OK - then I MUST be. About this time - Dr. Teats spots a Lobster or something behind a rock and feels compelled to sit and stare at it for awhile - that didn't amuse me at all - show me the big pretty fish and barracuda ... and I'm happy, so I kept going ..instructors still right on my tail sweet as can be, BLESS THEIR HEARTS - THEY WERE SO AWESOME! Pretty soon ... I feel what I'm sure is A SHARK bump into my foot ... and I turn around in a panic ...it's Dr. Teats ...laughing and pointing at me ...I DON'T GIVE HIM THE A-OK SIGN ...I flip him the notorious BIRD ON POINT ...b/c I figure that should be a universal diving sign ...and I shoo him away and in my bubbled mask, underwatered voice tell him to get the F away from me and leave me alone and stop scaring me ...but he keeps following after me, and tugging at me ... I'm totally annoyed not understanding why my good and faithful instructors aren't stepping up to the plate and shaming him for "playing games" underwater!!! Finally ..Dr. Teats puts his hands up to me with no smile, palms flat out at me like "calm down" b/c I'm now flipping him DOUBLE barrels ... and really getting pissed ... and he comes up behind me slowly - still motioning me to stay calm. HE PROCEEDS, TO PULL BOTH, BBBOOOOOOOOOOTH SIDES OF MY BIKINI BOTTOM OUT OF MY ASS CRACK ... and ladies, the way it felt when he pulled them out - they had to have been WAYYYY up there I WAS HORRIFIED. They must have gone up enema style when I plunged in off of the back of the boat and I was so concerned with everything else I didn't even know. I know I know, you say to yourself ...HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW MOCHAFREAK THAT YOUR BATHING SUIT WAS ENTIRELY UP YOUR ASS ... well, I didn't know (let's not forget it was a LITTLE one, and this was a time in life while I was still wearing a thong and not going commando yet so it felt normal I'm sure ha!) ... what I DO KNOW ...is that I now know, why I had such fantastic, attentive ...dive instructors that had all the faith in the world in me to lead the dive. They were A-OK.

Hopefully I'll have one last post for you tomorrow before I bid you farewell ... but it's not likely. I have to go get toes, nails, and A WHOLE LOT OF HAIR WAXED OFF IN THE NEXT TWO HOURS ...just in case someone ends up following me while snorkeling ... may as well be nice and trimmed up. haha.

Thanks for letting me write this blog ...I make myself laugh writing it. Hope you are all well ... thanks for your well wishes and thoughts and prayers I truly am feeling much better. :)

XOXO
M.F.