Since you're waiting on pins and needles I'm sure ... let me take you out of your misery and put you into mine ... I have a lot to say tonight ...but, I'll just start with a short little story to get back in my GROOVE THANG with this silly little blog.
So ...Key West ...FAB. Lots to say bout that but I have weeks to recap the events ...but the one I think I need to unload the fastest is similar to a little story about SCUBA diving you may or may NOT recall ... I'm pretty sure I have a numb ass crack. No seriously ...
There is a long story that goes along with THIS new story about a few too many cocktails, an Irish Pub and a bathing suit purchase very late at night ... the only important fact from that saga is that it was a "Monokini" ...for starters I have no business in one of these gettups but 10 cocktails later I thought I looked like a freakin' Victoria Secret model in the damn thing and bought it. Needless to say ... the next day ..we head out for our daily sun worship and drink fest by the pool, and the lounge chairs by the pool were all taken so we had to venture out onto the dock that actually sat right on the ocean ... which was fine with us ... b/c that meant we were that much closer to the bar. So this is the pecking order ... me, (closest to the bar) Babalicous BFF, BFF's hubbalicious and Dr. Teats. I pounded a few mudslides and my gut was no longer appearing as if I'd just been recouping from gall bladder surgery or a lack of food or diarrhea, it looks like I was 8 months pregnant. I proceeded to the nearest ladies room which felt like it was a mile away ... I get in there as fast as I can and realize ...wet, sticky, MONOF'NKINI ... CRAP ... If I pull the whole thing off, good luck getting it back on ...picture saran wrap around a crap load of cottage cheese and there is your visual for the day.
So, my loopy genius came out in me ... and I thought to myself ...could I not just pull the bikini bottom part down over my arse ...go pee and then pull it back up- awkward but I think I can do it - still attached without peeling the whole contraption off me not to mention how ON EARTH would I ever get this thing back on?
Well girls... MF is now MFG ... BECAUSE IT WORKED LIKE A CHAMP ... and I was off and out of there and back to my lounge chair ... a whole slough of men standing at the bar admiring me as I settled back into my lounge chair ... my three compadres busy reading and resting ... I figure it's a good time to let everyone around admire my backside since it was a little on the pale side for day 3 in the Keys and I wanted to even out ...after about 30 minutes of the men at the bar besides themselves over my new monokini ...they had had enough to drink that they were just downright giddy with the giggles over me ... the HOT BFF (that they were all REALLY hot for - no joke) turns over to me and goes "GIRL ... YOU HAVE THE BIGGEST PIECE OF TOILET PAPER I'VE EVER SEEN STUCK IN YOUR BATHING SUIT HANGIN' OUT YOUR ASS AND FLAPPIN IN THE WIND ...I HAD TO LOOK TWICE BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS ..." This sister is cackling like only she and I can ... and she can't even take it ... it was one of those moments where as a NORMAL HUMAN BEING SHE WANTED TO STAND UP AND ANNOUNCE ."HEY Y'ALL...CAN I GET YOUR ATTENTION ... LOOK OVER HERE ...MY BESTIE JUST GOT TP STUCK IN HER FAT ASS IN THE REST ROOM AND HAS BEEN LYING OVER HERE IN IT FOR 30 MINUTES AHHHHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA HA!" But instead the GOOD FRIEND THAT SHE IS she had to just bury her head in her cover up that she was using as a pillow and muffle her endearing cackles...never ...ending...cackles.
And so, you see ... it wasn't just a square on the bottom of a wet shoe in the middle of winter ...it was about a foot and half long ...and I know how long it was ... and you want to know why I know how long it was? Because, as I explained a few moments later to my BFF, the rest room was out of toilet seat covers so I had to make my own because I wasn't stable enough to do the squat an inch over toilet without touching it ... so I pulled two strips, each a foot and a half or so long ... and put them on either side of the toilet ...dutied, and then when I turned to flush ...I saw the one go down but couldn't find the other one ... checked the floor on either side...nope, nothing... thought maybe I totally forgot to do the left side ... nope I am sure that I did ... hmmm ...how strange ... can't find it anywhere ...
Apparently, MF isn't such a MF'n Genius after all. Note to self: When swiftly pulling your monokini bottom back into desired position with a slight buzz... check for self made toilet seat cover hanging OUT YOUR ASS CRACK AND DARLING NEW BATHING SUIT ...
The really bad news: This wouldn't be the last time during the week that MF had toilet paper stuck in her crack. I'm going to have to start carrying a compact with me aren't I ... HOW DOES ONE NOT FEEL THESE THINGS? I really thought the hernias were bad but that 10 lb 2 oz pistol really left me with far worse dilemmas ...
I'm sure I've left you really wanting more ...cheers for now.
MF
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2 comments:
OHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO! You have got to be kidding me. You've got to stop mudslidin' - it's causing too much trouble. You are a piece of work!
OMG - I have never read your blog before, but that just cracked me up. HA!
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