THE FIRST 'NO-HELL'

Merry Christmas ... at 1:23am December 25th... promptly ... I am sitting listening to some dude that looks like Mr. Bean sing the First Noel, oh, and he sounds like Mr. Bean too, but I digress. It is some lame documentary on the history of the "Nativity Scene" (how on earth did this follow Jimmy Kimmel?) and I can't change the channel because the Bazooka's BIG CHRISTMAS PRESENT IS SETUP IN SUCH A WAY THAT IT'S BLOCKING THE RECEIVER FROM MY FREAKIN' BADASS UNIVERSAL REMOTE . W.T.F. I'm too achy from wrapping to move from my position on my "perch" to get a better angle to change it. Thus, the Christmas morning blog ...this is what hell would be like ... someone TEARING UP the First Noel off key and thinking they ROCK ...and no way to stop it ... you just have to listen to it... no way to drown it out or plug your ears ...

So while my ears are in agony ... (the mute won't work either so don't get smart with me ...) - let me just say, that Santa, put one toy together and hit the sack ... while I sat up and wrapped furiously. It was in the madness, however, that I realized ...screw this ..."Santa" is shnoozin ...can't have the pistol waking up seeing a full cup of milk and plate of cookies ...Dr. Teats didn't do it ...GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO. Well doesn't that just suck huh?

Next year I'm leaving Santa a Dark Chocolate with chocolate ice cream haagen dasz bar and a bottle of Vodka.

Uggg ... 5 more hours til Starbucks opens ... I. CAN'T. WAIT. Nothin' like my triple grande mocha on Christmas morning. haha.

Hope you're doing something better than I am at 1:37 December 25th, 2008.

Cheers to you and your peeps,
M.F.

DEAR GODDER FODDER.. PLEASE TELL ME HIPS DO LIE ...

SERIOUSLY ... the oldest pistol was doing the most inappropriate and disturbing dancing I've ever seen last night. To, the oldest version of Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire I'd ever heard. It's not like it was Shakira. I had to call Dr. Teats in from Teatsville (the office) to view with me so he wouldn't think I was exaggerating. It was totally unbelievable. I looked at him like "wtf have you been watching???" and he was giving me the same "wtf?" I mean ...Dancing With the Stars ... mmmm - it's a stretch. We're talking ... D-I-R-T-Y. And not in a 1980's sort of way ... in a "You might get a gig on Howard Stern" kind of way ... WOW. I can't even describe it all to you except to say ...

SHE WILL N-E-V-E-R have a four post bed. I don't want to feed into the training.

THREE. YEARS. OLD.

I'm screwed. And I promise ... it's Noggin, Sprout and Disney channel around here ... HAVE YOU SEEN BELLE OR AURORA SHAKE IT LIKE THEIR HIPS DON'T LIE?

Dear Sweet Baby Jesus ... Godder Fodder, Elf on a Shelf ... Good ole Saint Nick ... whoever will hear my prayer ... I do not want to see my daughter on Girls Gone Wild ... WE WILL PAY FOR HER COLLEGE EDUCATION... so there will be no need for extra money ... the trust fund is already set up .... I AM ON MY KNEES, not afraid to beg ... I want my girl to be the classy, athletic, piano playing, nice girl ... you know, THE DESIGNATED DRIVER OF ALL THE HUSSIES ...NOT THE HUSSY HERSELF! Damn it. I mean ...Amen.

The local ballet company is now on speed dial. We are enrolled. I am determined to RE-DIRECT her uh...God giv.. uh. .. talen...uhh... ABILITY TO "m-o-v-e" 'it' ... into something classy and productive.

Horrified,
M.F.

Christmas confusion

There is ABSOLUTE (as opposed to the usual 'udder') confusion in my household ... the oldest pistol has announced that the baby Jesus is a girl, her mom's name is in fact Mary, however, Jesus' dad's name is "Jophus" and the quote of the day ... (in reference to the recently moved Elf on a Shelf whose hands happened to land in his crotch) "MOOOM ... (nervous giggle) THAT ELF IS GRABBIN' HISSELF! LOOK AT HE'EM!"

Next thing you know ..I'm gonna catch that damn elf lying on his back smoking a cigarette.

Better yet ... perhaps it will be me.

(I'm with you Say it Out Loud ...Grande, two pumps please...I'm convinced there must have been some reference to that in the song Santa Baby that got edited out at some point ... what a shame. Someone feel free to tip off Dr. Teats what I'd like stuffed in my stocking.)

Cheers to Monday before the Sweet baby Jesus birfday ...

M.F.

Eggnog anyone?

Christmas is fun with a 3 year old ...I just gotta say ... Santa lives at the "North Pool" (and she hasn't even been to the Grand Wailea????) and I got to go to her preschool program where she sang proud:

GODDER FODDER GODDER FODDER
ONCE AGAIN, ONCE AGAIN,
THANK YOU FOR OUR BLESSINGS THANK YOU FOR OUR BLESSINGS ODD MEANT ...ODDDD MEANT. (Amen for anyone who is so overhwhelmed with Christmas wrapping and drunk on wine that they didn't get that...)

Andddddddd, just cause I feel like bitching (do the math sisters..it's that time) ...the elf still isn't working for shit. My house and car smell like throw up. (baby pistol on round two of pukesville) I lost 75% of the addresses in my "Christmas card label word.doc" as I merged them into labels as it "DELETED DOCUMENT" unbeknownst to me ...so yesterday was SUPER fun with white pages, the church website and old emails - thank God for facebook and people getting their cards out early ...And last but not least, I had to ask Dr. Teats for a raise ... are you ready to give me a high five ... I PUT IT IN AN EMAIL - HAHA...just the way he likes things ... FREAKIN' TYPE A.

CROSS YOUR FINGERS ... my monthly budget was blown on the cheese for my broccoli soup by December 5th ... I still have a lot of CHRISTMAS SHOPPING TO DO ... HIS FOR ONE.

LMAO.

And, here's to SPIKED, VERY SPIKED EGGNOG ... (I hate eggnog but I'll drink it right now if it will give me a buzz ....)

Cheers
M.F.

A milestone for dad ...

We threw my dad a 70th birthday party tonight ... that was a huge, exciting, sentimental - JUST SPECIAL time for us ... what an answer to many prayers and a blessing he is still alive after all that he has fought ...crazy. I have nothing sarcastic, or negative, or funny ...just feeling blessed ... that my parents are still around to love on my babies ... and for my babies to love on them. AND, my pistols were so well behaved (aside from the oldest who drew a stick man on a napkin and was taking it around to everyone saying it was what her boyfriend looked like ...this thing hasn't died down yet unfortunately...).

That's all. I've nothin' else for ya. The elf still isn't working, I'm loving aquafor and rocking a size 10. COMFORTABLY TODAY .... (not sure what Stacy London would have to say about that but I'd take my chances hearing it from her if it meant I got to get locked in a small room with mirrors with Clinton Kelly ...I don't care if he prefers men, IF in fact he does - all I know is... I LOVE THAT MAN.)

Boring I know. It will be good again tomorrow ... after family Christmas.
Anyone know if there is a way to ensure family members never read your blog? Then this thing could get REALLLLLLY good.

Yours truly,
M.F.

Her boyfriend's back, momma's gonna get in trouble ...HEY LA ...HEY LA ..

Soooooooooooooooooooo...the pistol invited me into her room to play "cards" ...and I quickly learned that it was all a setup ...she swiftly lets me in on the fact that her 'boyfriend' is there ...and that he'd asked her to lunch today ...took her to "paulas" for lunch (that's Chapala's Mexican Bar and Grill to you...) and when I asked her what his name was she said I'd have to ask him ...so I said well where is he and she said he was 'behind the box' (of stuffed animals on her bed) ... oh my LORD ...SHE IS THREE. I know I've said that already.

Well NEVER FEAR MF IS HERE and worked it to my advantage and told her that her boyfriend told me she's been sneaking hershey's kisses into her room for the past week and eating them behind her bed ... YOU HAVE N-E-V-E-R SEEN A JAW DROP SO FAST AND EYES LIKE SAUCERS WITH THE MOST SHIT 'EATIN GRIN E-V-E-R.

Busted.

Damn I'm quick.

I should have left it at that... instead of suggesting she go in and tell Dr. Teats about her new boyfriend ... he got a lot more story than I did ...the part about her boyfriend having a way BIGGER truck than daddy, and it is RED, and that he should get a Red one like her BOYFRIEND, and they love to go camping together ... and sleep in a red tent ... (do we see a trend?) and they have marshmallows for dinner ... Hotdogs too I asked? No just marshmallows mom...we LOVE MARSHMALLOWS.

Wanna know Dr. Teats response to all of this madness? "that's it sister - NO MORE ZACK AND CODY FOR YOU ...THAT SHOW IS TOO OLD FOR YOU." haha. How on earth does she (let alone HE?) even know who Zack and Cody are ... ??? It couldn't be while I'm facebooking could it?

Again ... I know I'm the only loser. Go ahead and mock me ... guess I better take it easy on CRACKbook, get a handle on the pistol before she changes her name to Heidi, her boyfriend is a controlling ass named Spencer, and she now has a pole in her tent.

Gotta go ...the familia is all shnoozing and I have smut TV to catch up on.
Sleep tight. Evidently the pistol will be having sweet dreams ... (and I still don't know her boyfriend's name ... ???)

M.F.

Muffin top

It's official ... my ass is too flat and saggy for the size 12, but my muffin top is too muffin toppish for the size 10. I'm not sure which is the worse of two evils but I'm thinking the muffin top. There are only so many blouses (I hate that word - blouse - it's right up there with MOIST) THAT CAN CAMOFLAUGE THE MUFFIN TOP. I'm 5'9 and I'll spare you my weight but sisters ... how much more diarrhea does a girl have to have before she loses another pant size. And then when/if I do ... YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN ... BY THE TIME THE MUFFIN FITS INTO THE SIZE 10 NICELY, THE ASS WILL BE SAGGY AND NEED A SIZE 8. Seriously - I loveeeeeeeeeee the muffin top of a cupcake girls ...but I do NOT love the muffin top in my mid section - it's giving me headaches.

WOE
IS
ME.

If only I could ...I SO WOULD!

Dr. Teats has been in Texas for two days (monthly visit) ... the pistol is driving me neeners, and baby bazooka somehow found the ONE non-shatterproof ornament on the tree ...it's one of THOSE days ... the ones where you could just zoom off to Starbucks. ... just real quick like ... they'll be fine ... and I'll have 10 minutes BY - MY - SELF. But beside the ole child neglect law ...I'd be the one who's car just stalled at the drive thru window - for no good reason ... and would have to call my mother in law and tell her I left the kids at the house please go save them. haha.

Don't worry though...she wouldn't judge me ..she left Dr. Teats when he was 3 months old ...sleeping in his crib ... in a house in the country and headed off to "town" (30 minutes away) - had to call HER mother in law when she realized she'd left him. haha. CAN'T SAY I BLAME HER - HE'S A REAL PAIN IN THE ASS SOMETIMES.

Anyway ... don't worry ...I won't DOOOOOOOOOO IT ...I'M JUST THINKING REALLY HARD ABOUT IT ...

IS IT JUST ME?

Or has anyone else blown it out the back so bad for so long and your ass stings so bad you actually ...consider ...

DESITIN. Butt Paste. Whatever.

Oh my yammers I'm on fire ...I had better not do it ...because the second I put the little Bazooka down to run someone will inevitably smell it on me and ask "Does she have diaper rash? Poor thing."

Yah poor thing is right ...POOR MOCHA FREAK.

Elf on a Shelf ...

Anyone read that cute little book and/or been sucker enough to actually think the damn elf on your shelf would influence your pistols to behave a little better for the month of December?

IT'S. NOT. WORKING.

Dare I ask if 3 years old is too young to get PMS? GOOD LORD!!!! I have no idea who on earth she gets this DRAMATIC personality from... you all know it's not ME - HEAVEN FORBID YOU EVEN THINK IT ..must be Dr. Teats.

You know this isn't just MF being oversensitive either ...b/c if you read my posts you'll know that I don't get bitchy for two more weeks ... I'M JUST SAYING.

Soup Nazi ...(ok Drunk-uninhibited-Soup-Nazi)

So we had a little soup party at our house last night ... about 8 crock pots of soup showed up ... which was fabulous. The sucky thing about hosting the soup party is that you can't choose your soup first, because that would be downright rude to my guests ...so I figured I'd just wait and see what all everyone was bringing and then make whatever was left. The trouble was ... by the time everyone RSVP'd any soup I'd ever made - or that I thought tasted halfway decent ...TAKEN. So - I figured - I'd bust out with something new ... that I'd never made ...or tasted ...how bad could Broccoli Cheese Soup turn out? It's cheese, it's broccoli ...some onions and seasonings.... BIG.MISTAKE.

The funniest hubby in the bunch sneaks over to me in the kitchen ...giggling as only he can ... waving me over - he's had a bit to drink so is giddy as all get out and I can tell whatever he's about to tell me is going to be good - he is damn near gagging ...and whispers ..."I just fed your black dog some soup ...I hope that's ok ...he ate it ...because I couldn't take it ... it was the nastiest tasting soup I've ever tasted ...disgusting ... I don't know who made it ... but it had ...

(DRUMROLL PLEASE ...)

BROCCOLI IN IT ... (gag some more ...and he's doubled over laughing ...)"

Poor guy ... I can't blame him ... it looked like my stomach flu from last week ... you know when you've thrown up so much there is just the green bile-ish nastiness left ... and the $10.00 high end cheese tasted to me like $10.00 cheese but looked like curdled milk attaching itself like a cling on to the broccoli. I just died laughing and fessed up that it was mine ... because it is funny after all isn't it? Ohhhhhh ...the irony in the fact that you host a soup party, and your soup tastes like shit ...

Damn Soup Nazi. I flipped him the bird on point ...IN MY HEAD.

(TRUTH BE TOLD IT WAS HILARIOUS ... AND MY FEELINGS WERE NOT HURT ... THE WAY HE WENT ABOUT IT MADE IT HYSTERICAL ...I DO HOWEVER WISH IN MY HEART OF HEARTS HE WAS TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE'S NASTY SOUP...)

How 'bout those da-lish-ous hot wings everyone was raving about that I DID MAKE ....(which may or may not have been out of a frozen bag purchased at Costco...).

Should have throw 5 cans of campbells chicken noodle in the crock pot and called it all good ...I'm just saying.

THANK GOODNESS FOR THE HUMPING CHIHUAHUA THAT SOMEONE GAVE AS A WHITE ELEPHANT GIFT TO HELP TAKE THE STING AWAY ...

STOP-AND-GAWK-AND-TALK-AND-COCK-AND-MOCK

Masked ...WORKING AWAY...ordering you by pointing ...shouting hitler style ... nodding to the front of the store ... you give the "I'm begging you for mercy, please throw me a bone ..." look to the lady sitting in the chair waiting and she mumbles back to you ...quietly "pick a color" and you whisper back "I don't want a color I want a french manicure ....and suddently ...

'WHAT? WHAT YOU SAY? WHAT YOU SAY TO HER? WHAT WRONG? PICACULLAH!!!!!!'

"I said I want a french manicure so I don't need a color ..."

'YOU WANT WHY O WHYWHY'

(Again begging for mercy to your right ...)

"white or white white"

WTF does that mean ... how many whites could their possibly be in a french manicure ...TWO EVIDENTLY - why or whywhy.

They are so good aren't they? SO fast and efficient. So affordable. So convenient because I don't have to have a standing appointment. It really is awesome ...

Except the part where they are giving me a pedicure and do the "stop-and-gawk-and-talk-and-cock-and-mock."

Stop ...after they are done drying the wet feet that have just come out of the soapy lukewarm water ...gawk at something they find less than alright with them ... talk ...in a language I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO PICK UP DESPITE YEARS AND HOURS OF SITTING LISTENING ...to their co-workers in the store ....COCK their heads in the direction of my feet over and over ...and then MOCK me as they casually saunter by and then die laughing and talk some more amongst themselves but don't make eye contact with me SO I WON'T KNOW THEY'RE LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF AT MY DISGUSTING FEET.

I just hate that ...there just might be something to making an appointment, every two weeks,same time same place ... paying 20 bucks more... toes and nails not looking near as fabulous and getting to recap how stupid "The Hills" was this week... but damn it I won't have high blood pressure at any moment during my 'TREATMENT' ...

I just think my time away from the pistol (and what is she by now an uzi?) is just so precious - to stare at a wall and 'check out' if you will ...must they have such a belly laugh at my expense?

I know, not one of you relates. It only happens to me and my feet. And I'm the only one that ponders making a change, and then knowing "hell no...I'll never be able to keep the appointment..." And I'm the only one hidous enough to make a post like this.

Laughing at myself as usual ...

I'm in love with Santa ...

And not Dr. Teats either ladies ... I'm in love with the big fat white haired guy ...eh hem ...I'm still, not talking about Dr. Teats ... THE ONE THAT HAS A HUUUUUUUUGE sleigh. I'm for sure not talking about Dr. Teats.

Why am I in love with Santa you ask? Well, because although I know Jesus is the reason for the season, really, I do ... I PLAN ON SQUEEZING EVERY LAST BIT OF 'GOOD'NESS out of my pistols for the next 22 days ...BECAUSE THEY KNOW SANTA IS COMING ... AND THEREFORE ...THEY ....WILL...BE...GOOD. Yippee for me.

And that's why I love Santa... at least for today ...

Cheers, (and I will drink ...)
M.F.

Red Red Wine ........ Goes to his Heaaaaad ...

Dr. Teats had a senior moment yesterday ...

Last night at dinner, the pistol asked me to get her some milk as she'd finished what she had in her cup ... Dr. Teats graciously jumped in as he noticed I'd JUST started to eat my dinner ... and offered to get it for her. I wasn't even paying attention to what he was doing as I was eagerly chowing down on the delicious PBJ I'd prepared for myself ... I look up mid-peanut-butter-on-my-lips-tongue-swipe and Dr. Teats is pouring a nice, big, sippy cup, full of ...

ZINFANDEL. RED ZINFANDEL. White may not have been as shocking ...thus the need to note RED. I looked at him ... he smiled at me, feeling pretty stellar about the great dad he is ...I just pointed at the cup ...straight faced ...and he nearly fell over pulling the bottle up and out of the pour position. He hadn't even noticed which made it all the more delightful to watch ...

I spit out what was left of my sandwich in laughter ... Dr. Teats quickly dumped the wine into the sink and corrected his mistake with MILK ... and sat down. We thought the five minutes of comedy was over ...UNTIL ...

No sooner had he gotten himself comfy with his BIG BOY sippy glass ... the pistol flips him the bird on point ...and goes "hey daddy ... can you do this?" He looks over her head and at me with that "WTF????" face I'm sure you've all seen before and I said "Don't look at me!!!" She is oblivious and as he tells her he can't do it ... she replies "oh yah daddy that's because only teachers and little people can do it."

Nuff said. Except teacher Judy at the Dutch Reform Christian Preschool might be getting a phone call ...

Bazooka! Amen????

Happy Monday :)

So yesterday Dr. Teats and I were hanging out on the floor in the room of the little pistol...she had her back to him and he tapped her on her bootie in fun, and she turned around and punched him ...HARD. 14 months. I said to him ... "Sooo....'pistol' doesn't quite cut it on this one does it ... perhaps Semi-automatic is more appropriate?" He replied, "I was thinking Bazooka ..."

We agreed, we laughed (behind pillows, thinking she couldn't see us b/c of course we wouldn't get caught dead laughing at such INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR), she BUSTED us, thought we were laughing at her (which we were) and she punched him again with gritted teeth this time. Then turned around and went about her business like nothing happened.

I hope I don't ever get CPS called on me as a result of self defense ... from the Baby Bazooka.

Same child, Thanksgiving day ... (I am told) ...was sitting on Dr. Teat's lap, while everyone was saying what they were thankful for ... my mom has had a rough few years with my 70 yr old cancer stricken father (who is still with us THANK YOU LORD!) ... and has been a trooper and she started to get teary as it was her turn ... and the baby got up from Dr. Teats lap and reached out her arms for grandma immediately - seeing she was sad.

Will anyone concur that I have my handsful? Amen sisters?