Dairy Delight

Listen ...the bottom line is, I've been slacking. But to be frank, there hasn't been a whole lot funny in my life lately but actually a lot of HORRIBLE - thus, the MF'n blog drought. I'm sure I'll get to my many woes and down right tragedies at some point but it's neither the time nor the place, because you don't look to this blog for that shit, you look to it for laughs, so that I shall provide with DAIRY DELIGHT TONIGHT.



I remember when I was in junior high - little shack of a joint across from the school that served slushes, ice cream, shakes, fries and burgers ...we all lived for these damn things...EVERY.DAY. In fact I'm fairly certain there were 13 yr olds doing favors behind the locker rooms just to make a little extra change for a grape slush now and again. The place was called Dairy Delight.



I had a Dairy Delight tonight ... and no, it wasn't Dr. Teats doing what he does so well, or a burger or fries or grape slush at the old local hang out ...it was a lame ass steak dinner, with a silent and live auction and a Goddam NO HOST BAR ... THAT WE PAID BIG BUCKS FOR A TABLE AT ... that of course the "4th couple" conveniently didn't show up at. (you all know what I'm talking about - they say 'yes' b/c they don't know how to say no because they know it's going to suck just like you do but they can say no because they didn't buy the g.d. table. ...) for the local university (Dr Teats Masters alma mater) DAIRY CLUB.



So, if you have to know, revenge, was sweet. I HAD TO GO. I'm Mrs. Dr. Teats .. it's a given. Hate the things - gotta go. So, you all know damn well I show up looking as hot as possible ... duh, of course I do because that's how I roll... and it's a s(h)morgasboard of folks, I'd spare you the details but it's way more fun to describe a) your husbands ex who is wearing a shirt that shows her back fat and the color totally washes her out but damn her because her freaking jeans are damn cute and rock ...so we'll focus on the fugly shirt b) the family of 10 at YOUR TABLE OF 8, WITH YOUR COMPANY NAME ON IT THAT YOU HAVE PAID BIG BUCKS FOR ... that you don't know, have never seen, they speaka-no-ingles, each have 15 pieces of linguisa on their cake-sized appetizer plates and the 'head of the family' is sporting a Dallas Cowboys baseball cap (totally inappropriate by the way, however, lucky, b/c that damn hat is the only reason Dr. Teats didn't go kick his freaking ass for sitting at our table DAMN IT ... ) c) the token woman that is just so jacked up that you can't not make fun of her - you smell her perfume from your table 5 tables over, her big, overgrown roots hair, too tight shirt, too tight shoes, (oh DON'T even act like I'm being a bitch right now - because you know what too tight shoes look like ... with skin puffing out the top of the ballet flat ...and the muffin top that does.not.quit.muffining) d) the bar tender at the portuguese hall this shing ding is held at that acts like he's never seen a cute chick with huge boobs before ...GAWD, IF HE STARED AT MY GIRLFRIEND ANY HARDER I'D HAVE DECKED HIM, however the drinks were stong so amen to her huge ta-tas ... or e) THE FREAKIN' HUSSIES THAT WERE BIDDING AGAINST ME ON THE CUTEST-TURQUOISE-BEADED-STERLING-CROSS-NECKLACE-EEEEEEEEEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR at the silent auction ... I mean have I told you about the near fight I got in over a Roomba at the Rotary Club Auction? WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THESE PEOPLE????



So seriously ... I'd had 5 Grey Goose/Cranberries already - wasn't NOTHIN' gonna stop me from getting this DARLING necklace. (I will be so lucky if I make it through this without full out dropping the F bomb) I'm totally getting pissed because these two girls are hovering like UFO's eye-spying a Roswell Margaritaville, and I'm having to send in the big guns (hot bro-in-law to flirt with them while my hubby dives in behind them and OUT BIDS THEIR DUMB ASSES ...) SWEET JESUS ... $350 later ...I got the stupid necklace ... and then find out the dairy club president made the damn thing - probably strung it together from a 'do-it-yourself' craft box ... haha - but - IT'S CUTE, I GOT IT, DR. TEATS IN ALL HIS GLORY - PAID FOR IT...IN ALL OF IT'S DAIRY DELIGHTFULNESS.



Did you ever feel like flipping a couple of bitches double barrels to their faces? Well, I about did when they sauntered past my table moaning "I didn't even see him behind me ...WHERE DID HE EVEN COME FROM - GAWWWWWWD ...I'M SO PISSED!" I about laughed myself off my chair ... and thus ...some more...Dairy ... Delight....



No milk involved, not even so much as a damn ice cream cone, but - some good drinks, good laughs, good company, a DARLING NECKLACE ... and all, for the benefit ...of the dairy club...



CHEERS TO COWS...and Dr. Teats who lives for feeding them ...and taking me to these ridiculous functions where some days, I end up a winner in the end ... and, I was a winner in the end, ON SO MANY LEVELS... IT REALLY WAS A DAIRY DELIGHTFUL EVENING)



GO ahead, welcome me back with a loud HOO.RAY. ...all two of you. I know you missed me. :)