No no, not the kind you're thinking of. Although they always sound good, they make me blow it out the back like a salad shooter.
I went to the store this morning to buy some beautiful orchids for my daughter's preschool teachers ... call it keepin' up with the Dutch Mafia if you want (the super moms that drive the 30 ft long, shiny and immaculate Escalades with the killer boat sticker on the window, show up at 8am looking like they just stepped off a fashion show runway, but insist they're on their way to the gym *code for botox injections* and they bake the best cupcakes, have 2 camcorders at the programs just in case one dies, and bid $6000.00 on the classroom sponsored beach themed family basket at the school silent auction fundraiser. You know who I'm talking about.) ... but I refuse to be a TOTAL loser. I'd already gotten a flyer in my box earlier this week from the Dutch Mafia (mom of said Dutch 3 year classmate of the pistols...)that it was the preschool head teacher's 70th birthday and to remind the children to bring "hand made notes" (WTF? NO STARBUCKS CARDS? HAND MADE NOTES TAKE SOOOOO MUCH TIME...EYE YI YI.) This mommy was sooooo on top of it, she provided pizza, a home made cake for teacher, and baked cupcakes for the kids ... it's a wonder she didn't show up at the last day of school picnic today with home made lasagna and tiramisu ... and a tossed salad to boot. (You know we rocked McDonalds happy meals and Starbucks amidst the plethora of Longaberger picnic baskets filled with yogurts, apples, cheese and bottled water, beach umbrellas.)
Sooo, speaking of tossed salad ... (eh hem)
While at the store ... I see this guy who I pull in right next to ..he was drivin' kind of a cool lookin' new model VW so I'm kinda starin' it down and then starin' him down...because as he hustles off to the store doors, he's walkin' like he has a stick up his ass ... and, well, he may have moments earlier ... but this is what I need you to know. Upon purchasing my orchids and heading back to the car - I parked my cart between our cars to get the Bazooka in her car seat, and so I take an opportunity to glance into this little VW ... (it intrigued me) only to see a big 'ole yellow DONUT for him to sit on in his driver's seat. OH.MY.LORD. I literally laughed out loud and looked around to make sure I wasn't on candid camera.
Guess he DOESN'T have a numb ass like THE MOCHA FREAK. Bet he wishes he did.
I'm just saying.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Pride got the best of me ...
My niece graduated from Cal Berkeley with honors this weekend ...it was a PROUD moment for me, the AUNTIE. I traveled for hours to get there ...of cousre I did - WOULDN'T MISS IT!!! (Plus, sister, graduate's momma, flew in from Nashville to attend and I couldn't miss an opportunity to see her...)
So proud, that when I checked into the Holiday Inn ... late in the evening ... and noticed a handsome young man that looked like THAT ASSHOLE Jason from the bachelor and MORE IMPORTANTLY ... bore a striking resemblance to pictures I've seen of a boy that's been hanging with my niece for the past year ...
(this is where you say ..."please tell us you didn't introduce yourself ....")
Sorry ... couldn't help myself ... he's standing there with what appears to be mom and grandma ...Auntie big hair (my other sister) and I yell around the big crafstman style pillar ..."HEY,,,,,MIKE." (nothing from him, we're giggling like mad dogs) "HEY....MIIIIIKEEE!" (Still nothing. More cackling.) Auntie big hair thought it would be good to press the issue ... "excuse me are you Mike?"
He replies with a sickened look at both of us:
"Uhhhh, I'm 'A' Mike ..."
haha. Love him already. Sarcastic piece of shit. I laughed so hard I was doubled over ...
"WE'RE THE AUNTIES!!!! YIPPEEEE! HERE FOR GRADUATION!!!! WE'RE SO EXCITED ..."
He stares with a, um, smirk, can't even say smile, still appearing to be on the verge of vomit (which translates into WTF HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO ...MY GIRLFRIEND'S FAMILY ARE FREAKSHOWS...)
We introduce ourselves by name... he hesitantly, yet politely introduces us to mom and grandma who are CLEARLY AS ECSTATIC AS THE AUNTIES to be meeting the girlfriend's aunties in the lobby.
We text messaged the niece:
'GUESS WHAT? WE JUST MET MIKE, HIS MOM, AND GRANDMA IN THE LOBBY!!!! TEE HEE HEE'
Niece...although thrilled we traveled HOURS to watch her graduate from college ...
READY.TO.KICK.OUR.ASSES.
haha.
I know, you had to be there. But it was fun to rewrite it because I just laughed my ass off playing it all back.
So proud, that when I checked into the Holiday Inn ... late in the evening ... and noticed a handsome young man that looked like THAT ASSHOLE Jason from the bachelor and MORE IMPORTANTLY ... bore a striking resemblance to pictures I've seen of a boy that's been hanging with my niece for the past year ...
(this is where you say ..."please tell us you didn't introduce yourself ....")
Sorry ... couldn't help myself ... he's standing there with what appears to be mom and grandma ...Auntie big hair (my other sister) and I yell around the big crafstman style pillar ..."HEY,,,,,MIKE." (nothing from him, we're giggling like mad dogs) "HEY....MIIIIIKEEE!" (Still nothing. More cackling.) Auntie big hair thought it would be good to press the issue ... "excuse me are you Mike?"
He replies with a sickened look at both of us:
"Uhhhh, I'm 'A' Mike ..."
haha. Love him already. Sarcastic piece of shit. I laughed so hard I was doubled over ...
"WE'RE THE AUNTIES!!!! YIPPEEEE! HERE FOR GRADUATION!!!! WE'RE SO EXCITED ..."
He stares with a, um, smirk, can't even say smile, still appearing to be on the verge of vomit (which translates into WTF HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO ...MY GIRLFRIEND'S FAMILY ARE FREAKSHOWS...)
We introduce ourselves by name... he hesitantly, yet politely introduces us to mom and grandma who are CLEARLY AS ECSTATIC AS THE AUNTIES to be meeting the girlfriend's aunties in the lobby.
We text messaged the niece:
'GUESS WHAT? WE JUST MET MIKE, HIS MOM, AND GRANDMA IN THE LOBBY!!!! TEE HEE HEE'
Niece...although thrilled we traveled HOURS to watch her graduate from college ...
READY.TO.KICK.OUR.ASSES.
haha.
I know, you had to be there. But it was fun to rewrite it because I just laughed my ass off playing it all back.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Best $5.95 you'll ever spend at the grocery store ..
GOD BLESS ORAL B. (Braun or Sonic will suffice but WAY overpriced, and I'm married to a Dutchman so Oral B it is.)
Are you sitting?
Get the water, diet coke, or in my case 'mocha' out of your mouth, swallow it.
Follow me:
Pistols bathing. (nightly ritual)
I have them brush their teeth while they bathe because it's just easier that way at night.
I walk away to put the pj's on beds.
Walk back into said brushing session, only, lil' bazooka...(20 months), grinning ear to ear and giggling, does NOT, have the vibrating, Pooh, toothbrush in her mouth ...
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHY IN THE HELL DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT??????????????
So, in case I need to spell it out for some of you, after my 'DEEP CLEANING THE HOUSE' ...(with help of the WINE), you will MORE than likely find me in my freshly chloroxed bathtub...
'BRUSHING MY TEETH.'
Things are looking up.
(p.s. I'm totally screwed with the second kid. SCREWED. And I thought the 1st pistol and her POLE dancing was gonna do me in. INSERT F BOMB.)
Are you sitting?
Get the water, diet coke, or in my case 'mocha' out of your mouth, swallow it.
Follow me:
Pistols bathing. (nightly ritual)
I have them brush their teeth while they bathe because it's just easier that way at night.
I walk away to put the pj's on beds.
Walk back into said brushing session, only, lil' bazooka...(20 months), grinning ear to ear and giggling, does NOT, have the vibrating, Pooh, toothbrush in her mouth ...
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHY IN THE HELL DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT??????????????
So, in case I need to spell it out for some of you, after my 'DEEP CLEANING THE HOUSE' ...(with help of the WINE), you will MORE than likely find me in my freshly chloroxed bathtub...
'BRUSHING MY TEETH.'
Things are looking up.
(p.s. I'm totally screwed with the second kid. SCREWED. And I thought the 1st pistol and her POLE dancing was gonna do me in. INSERT F BOMB.)
Love handles??? I'm so over that.
I should be cleaning out that closet I mentioned...but instead, I'm facebooking, and I'm listening to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and drinking my third starbucks of the day ... the DVR of MMC has just ended and the TV flipped back over to "Disney Channel", and this is what I hear "LOVE HANDLES ... THAT IS MY MOM'S FAVORITE BAND!!!!!!!" (Phineus and Ferb - whatever that is)
You gotta be shittin' me. Is this the quality television our children are being exposed to on the Disney Channel? I try to be careful in the afternoon - with a newly 4 yr old and 20 month old ... no Hanna Montana or Suite Life for them ...I have a potential pole dancer on my hands already - she doesn't need to learn about relationships with boys quite yet. (eye roll and *sigh*)
But who in the F*** writes into a children's script about a band called Love Handles ...
The only one who should be writing about love handles period, is me. And, for the record... I'd prefer to name that OUTSTANDING part of my body after a cupcake please ...IT'S CALLED A MUFFIN TOP PEOPLE. Love handles is SO 90's. Geesh.
Sincerely,
The biggest muffin top in central valley thanks to my 'one size too small' jeans...
M.F.
You gotta be shittin' me. Is this the quality television our children are being exposed to on the Disney Channel? I try to be careful in the afternoon - with a newly 4 yr old and 20 month old ... no Hanna Montana or Suite Life for them ...I have a potential pole dancer on my hands already - she doesn't need to learn about relationships with boys quite yet. (eye roll and *sigh*)
But who in the F*** writes into a children's script about a band called Love Handles ...
The only one who should be writing about love handles period, is me. And, for the record... I'd prefer to name that OUTSTANDING part of my body after a cupcake please ...IT'S CALLED A MUFFIN TOP PEOPLE. Love handles is SO 90's. Geesh.
Sincerely,
The biggest muffin top in central valley thanks to my 'one size too small' jeans...
M.F.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I need an ankle band ... and some knee pads to boot.
Can someone hold me back from the Gap Kids Outlet ...if they are one minute closer I'm going to blow my monthly budget there all.summer.long. Seriously I need one of those ankle bands criminals have to wear on home arrest, AND IT NEEDS TO BEEP LOUDLY WHEN I'M HEADED TOWARDS THE LOCAL OUTLET STORES...
DAMN, they have cute stuff right now.
The only good news was, I bought a recycleable shopping bag for $4.00, that saved me 10% on my !@$$$$$$$%# purchase ...and if you knew how much my savings were you'd spell 'HELP' IN YOUR SHORTS WITH ME. My savings, were what I should have spent, period.
Better drink a lot of wine, and do a LOT of cleaning tonight before the Amex bill hits Dr. Teats inbox and he rolls in from TX tomorrow ... might.should.pick.up.some.knee.pads.to.boot. (not for scrubbing grout either ...) I'm gonna need some bonus points with Dr. Teats...that, I know for sure.
Gotta gear myself up. 24 hours and counting til I 'pay' ...LOL.
DAMN, they have cute stuff right now.
The only good news was, I bought a recycleable shopping bag for $4.00, that saved me 10% on my !@$$$$$$$%# purchase ...and if you knew how much my savings were you'd spell 'HELP' IN YOUR SHORTS WITH ME. My savings, were what I should have spent, period.
Better drink a lot of wine, and do a LOT of cleaning tonight before the Amex bill hits Dr. Teats inbox and he rolls in from TX tomorrow ... might.should.pick.up.some.knee.pads.to.boot. (not for scrubbing grout either ...) I'm gonna need some bonus points with Dr. Teats...that, I know for sure.
Gotta gear myself up. 24 hours and counting til I 'pay' ...LOL.
Monday, May 11, 2009
One of the blogs I love ...Misadventures of a Newlywed, (check her out - I don't even plug her for a giveaway - she just finished one, matter of fact...here is the link to her blog ... http://misadventuresofanewlywed.blogspot.com) recently got the queen ding dong 'LIGHT BULB MOMENT' award in my book ..for suggesting cleaning her kitchen only WHILST drinking a glass of wine. I MEAN, THE THOUGHT OF CLEANING WITH A MOCHA, THAT'S JUST ...'OK'...BUT crunked up cleaning ... this is an EXTRAORDINARY IDEA. (Crunked up on mocha is really only good for one thing and that's to keep me from being mean to any really cute little children while awakened at 5:45am...)
So, part of me is wondering about the friends I have that have these type A, emmaculate houses ... (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE...) IS THIS THEIR SECRET? I'm sure it's not but I'll tell myself it is to make myself feel better about the pig sty I call my house. (Don't worry, it's clean in the front - I'm the closet pig house keeper that tosses all of the crap in the walk in closet in the back of the house which happens to be mine ...the kind where you can't even shut the door, let alone open it ...for fear you might be buried.)
So here is my challenge to myself .. LOTS OF CLEANING IN THE NEAR FUTURE. I'm oozing with happiness just thinking about what's going down tonight... after the pistols 'hit the hay'. They might be going to bed early ... VERY early. Is 5pm to early? Anyone?
Cheers to me, and my new found love of cleaning ...(and my budget that is about to go through the roof when Dr. Teats comes home on a regular basis to a spotless house.)
DUI'S ARE FOR LOSERS, BUT CUI ...SERIOUSLY... FREAKIN' GENIUS. Now the trick is the pistols. It's gonna be tempting friends, not to 'CLEAN' ALL DAY LONG.
All smiles,
M.F.
So, part of me is wondering about the friends I have that have these type A, emmaculate houses ... (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE...) IS THIS THEIR SECRET? I'm sure it's not but I'll tell myself it is to make myself feel better about the pig sty I call my house. (Don't worry, it's clean in the front - I'm the closet pig house keeper that tosses all of the crap in the walk in closet in the back of the house which happens to be mine ...the kind where you can't even shut the door, let alone open it ...for fear you might be buried.)
So here is my challenge to myself .. LOTS OF CLEANING IN THE NEAR FUTURE. I'm oozing with happiness just thinking about what's going down tonight... after the pistols 'hit the hay'. They might be going to bed early ... VERY early. Is 5pm to early? Anyone?
Cheers to me, and my new found love of cleaning ...(and my budget that is about to go through the roof when Dr. Teats comes home on a regular basis to a spotless house.)
DUI'S ARE FOR LOSERS, BUT CUI ...SERIOUSLY... FREAKIN' GENIUS. Now the trick is the pistols. It's gonna be tempting friends, not to 'CLEAN' ALL DAY LONG.
All smiles,
M.F.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
WAS IT REALLY...
a Happy Mothers Day??? :) It had potential ...and started off well. Really it did.
We are all blessed aren't we? Yes. I have great kids...am so blessed to be a mom. I also have a wonderful mom we honored today. I even love my mother in law (this time around...anyhow.) The bottom line is, life ain't a picnic in this MANSION on mother's day - I mean - OF COURSE THE MOCHA ARRIVED RIGHT ON SCHEDULE this morning like clock work... the pistols ran into the bathroom with their adorable cards and traced hand prints... :) That's a 'cute' morning ...YES?
Things were SUPER cute, until we left for church - separate vehicles because I was staying second service (yes, I'm into volunteering in the kids classes at church Y'ALL ... you CAN love Jesus, teach KIDS about Jesus, and occasionally drink and cuss, I'm living proof) ...and, all of that said... I was backing my vehicle out of the garage...and the blissful mood I was in because of the AWESOME day I knew Dr. Teats had planned for me, I handed the pistol the garage door opener and allowed her to do the "closing ...." I'd say 'YOU conclude...' but it's just so jacked up not to WRITE IT 'OUT LOUD' ... she hit the close button just as I started backing out ...the ripping and tearing I heard atop my yukon was far worse than nails on a chalk board. F BOMB IN MY HEAD... DR. TEATS IN MY REAR VIEW MIRROR HAVING JUMPED OUT OF HIS TRUCK - HANDS ON HIS HEAD...ALSO DROPPING F BOMBS, *but the 'out-loud' kind*. Unfortunately, I couldn't BLURT OUT the 'WHAT THE F WERE YOU THINKING?' that I wanted to HOLLA to the 4 yr old. So I had to settle for the banging on the steering wheel, and MOUTHING over and over - SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. shit. Seriously... shit.
The baby is saying "happy mommy??? YOU HAPPY???? HAPPY MOMMY" with loads of concern...poor little thing had the best view of me at the moment ...and she too, knew the day had just taken a turn for the worse.
Tears in the back seat, tears in the front ... Dr. Teats ...I'm pretty sure READY to cry... contemplating what would be easier ...continuing to live with us, or cutting a HUGE ASS check every month in alemony and child support. He was PISSED. I knew whatever big plans he had... had just folded.
The rest of the day is CHAOTIC ... OMG ... because you know, we're still mommies after all right? We still have the pistols to take care of, in my case...his teat-ness to take care of ...a lunch to provide for my own mom and sister ... (and their families too ...) - thus, a mess to clean up, and now chlorinated babies to bathe ...:) Sweet teats (trust me that's the Dr. NOT ME, there is nothin sweet about my teats...) actually did pull through and bathed the girls while I cleaned which is nice ... and so now, I sit, in my perch - feet up ...AIR CONDITION BLASTING ...IN MY COZY SWEATSHIRT AND LOUNGE PANTS. If only I had a mocha that wouldn't keep me up til dawn. ;)
The highlight of my day may have been my mom asking me about the lipton green tea I was serving her (aside her large serving of ice cream, chocolate syrup and strawberries smothered in sugar) ... and me letting her know that she might want to just skip the weight watchers (which she had said moments ago she was going to be starting any minute), pick up another jug of the green tea, and...she may or may not want to pick up a tube of ...
AQUAFOR.
SHE DON'T NEED NO DIET.
How was that for some mother's day advice...*not to mention exceptional grammar*??? Ehhh?
We are all blessed aren't we? Yes. I have great kids...am so blessed to be a mom. I also have a wonderful mom we honored today. I even love my mother in law (this time around...anyhow.) The bottom line is, life ain't a picnic in this MANSION on mother's day - I mean - OF COURSE THE MOCHA ARRIVED RIGHT ON SCHEDULE this morning like clock work... the pistols ran into the bathroom with their adorable cards and traced hand prints... :) That's a 'cute' morning ...YES?
Things were SUPER cute, until we left for church - separate vehicles because I was staying second service (yes, I'm into volunteering in the kids classes at church Y'ALL ... you CAN love Jesus, teach KIDS about Jesus, and occasionally drink and cuss, I'm living proof) ...and, all of that said... I was backing my vehicle out of the garage...and the blissful mood I was in because of the AWESOME day I knew Dr. Teats had planned for me, I handed the pistol the garage door opener and allowed her to do the "closing ...." I'd say 'YOU conclude...' but it's just so jacked up not to WRITE IT 'OUT LOUD' ... she hit the close button just as I started backing out ...the ripping and tearing I heard atop my yukon was far worse than nails on a chalk board. F BOMB IN MY HEAD... DR. TEATS IN MY REAR VIEW MIRROR HAVING JUMPED OUT OF HIS TRUCK - HANDS ON HIS HEAD...ALSO DROPPING F BOMBS, *but the 'out-loud' kind*. Unfortunately, I couldn't BLURT OUT the 'WHAT THE F WERE YOU THINKING?' that I wanted to HOLLA to the 4 yr old. So I had to settle for the banging on the steering wheel, and MOUTHING over and over - SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. shit. Seriously... shit.
The baby is saying "happy mommy??? YOU HAPPY???? HAPPY MOMMY" with loads of concern...poor little thing had the best view of me at the moment ...and she too, knew the day had just taken a turn for the worse.
Tears in the back seat, tears in the front ... Dr. Teats ...I'm pretty sure READY to cry... contemplating what would be easier ...continuing to live with us, or cutting a HUGE ASS check every month in alemony and child support. He was PISSED. I knew whatever big plans he had... had just folded.
The rest of the day is CHAOTIC ... OMG ... because you know, we're still mommies after all right? We still have the pistols to take care of, in my case...his teat-ness to take care of ...a lunch to provide for my own mom and sister ... (and their families too ...) - thus, a mess to clean up, and now chlorinated babies to bathe ...:) Sweet teats (trust me that's the Dr. NOT ME, there is nothin sweet about my teats...) actually did pull through and bathed the girls while I cleaned which is nice ... and so now, I sit, in my perch - feet up ...AIR CONDITION BLASTING ...IN MY COZY SWEATSHIRT AND LOUNGE PANTS. If only I had a mocha that wouldn't keep me up til dawn. ;)
The highlight of my day may have been my mom asking me about the lipton green tea I was serving her (aside her large serving of ice cream, chocolate syrup and strawberries smothered in sugar) ... and me letting her know that she might want to just skip the weight watchers (which she had said moments ago she was going to be starting any minute), pick up another jug of the green tea, and...she may or may not want to pick up a tube of ...
AQUAFOR.
SHE DON'T NEED NO DIET.
How was that for some mother's day advice...*not to mention exceptional grammar*??? Ehhh?
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
DRINK! Amen?
Cheers, to cinco de drinko ...ER, ahem, Cinco de Mayo.
And drink I shall. Even if it's late at night, after pistols are tucked in, and I'm all.by.myself.
CAN I GET AN AMEN?
And drink I shall. Even if it's late at night, after pistols are tucked in, and I'm all.by.myself.
CAN I GET AN AMEN?
Monday, May 4, 2009
I might spill my drink ...
They cut off my circulation, left big dark red circles on my thighs...
HOWEVER, my fitted, strapless, MOCHA colored dress looked adorable and slipped on like BUTTA ...
ATOP MY SPANX.
Taking them off, had a similar feeling to the exit of the placenta ...
So much pressure GONE, and I could breathe deeply again ...
THE HORROR WE GO THROUGH ... JUST TO HIDE THE MUFFIN TOP. "So why don't you just work out to lose the muffin top?" you ask? BECAUSE I MIGHT SPILL MY MOCHA. DUH.
HOWEVER, my fitted, strapless, MOCHA colored dress looked adorable and slipped on like BUTTA ...
ATOP MY SPANX.
Taking them off, had a similar feeling to the exit of the placenta ...
So much pressure GONE, and I could breathe deeply again ...
THE HORROR WE GO THROUGH ... JUST TO HIDE THE MUFFIN TOP. "So why don't you just work out to lose the muffin top?" you ask? BECAUSE I MIGHT SPILL MY MOCHA. DUH.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
YOU DID NOT!!!
OH, BUT I DID.
Here's the short story:
Dr. Teats and I headed out in a frenzie for a wedding ... I was frantically trying to prepare for the pistol's 4 yr old birthday party tomorrow ...before we left of course. Hopped into shower at 12:54 ..out door, with hair in cute pony (I so could have used the 'bump it' today ...) at 1:30. I got my moisturizer and mineral powder on in the house and ran. I got in Dr. Teats truck ... proceeded to finish putting my make up on ...and realized...no eye liner, no eye shadow applicator ...
So, an UNUSED tampon it was.
Worked famously.
Here's the short story:
Dr. Teats and I headed out in a frenzie for a wedding ... I was frantically trying to prepare for the pistol's 4 yr old birthday party tomorrow ...before we left of course. Hopped into shower at 12:54 ..out door, with hair in cute pony (I so could have used the 'bump it' today ...) at 1:30. I got my moisturizer and mineral powder on in the house and ran. I got in Dr. Teats truck ... proceeded to finish putting my make up on ...and realized...no eye liner, no eye shadow applicator ...
So, an UNUSED tampon it was.
Worked famously.
Friday, May 1, 2009
PUNCH DRUNK LOVE..or just punchy.
YES IT'S 12:45 AND MY HAPPY ASS CAN'T SLEEP.
It may, or may not have to do with the double tall extra whip (in a grande cup so as not to short me any coffee or whip...) I drank at 'BIBLE STUDY' ....which of course turned quickly into gab fest. Don't worry it wasn't gossip...it was all TRUE. haha. No no - it was about our woes, no one else's. And don't everyone pass out that I go to bible study ... IT'S AT STARBUCKS...OF COURSE I GO ...ONLY WAY I GET OUT OF THE HOUSE ON A THURSDAY NIGHT, KID FREE, WHILST DR. TEATS LOADS (with pizza) AND CLEANS (in bubble bath) THE PISTOLS.
It's really an awesome deal. Dr. Teats will get Treats tomorrow night as he was already in bed by the time I RETURNED from my blissful evening tonight.
So this is all I have to say tonight ... I just read that Kelly McGillis...the hot chick from Top Gun ...has come out of the closet. DUH, SHE KISSED TOM CRUISE... SICK, NEXT IT WILL BE Katie Holmes. YOU WATCH. I'm pretty sure Nicole Kidman is safely hetero since she's with MR. FREAKIN' HOT PANTS HIMSELF Keith Urban. (I don't care how short that mf'er is, he's H-O-T.) Anyhoo ... Tom Cruise is as gay as the day is long ...('NO OFFENSE' to quote MISS CALIFORNIA).
This wasn't near as devastating as the "coming out" news years ago about MY BELOVED *while equally short* Ty Herndon...whom none of you have ever heard of... but, I SOLEMNLY SWEAR, I CRIED WITH HORROR. Don't worry - I didn't hook up with the dude, on his bus, after meeting he and his band, when he appeared in an outdoor concert locally, and his bus driver took to me and my friend... (work the bus driver ladies...that's the ticket...)
He only privately sang to me... "You Can Leave Your Hat On" in WHITE elasticized sweat pants and a tie-dye t shirt and Birkenstocks, and tinted blue glasses ...because while he was wearing his SMOKIN', DELIGHTFULLY, HOT...black leather tight ass pants and HOT PEC-TIGHT TSHIRT on stage during his performance, he chose NOT to perform... "You Can Leave Your Hat On" which was what I went for in the first place. Gay. Gay. Gay. Clearly I'd smuggled one too many Vodkas into my "7/11 Big Gulp" of "LEMONADE" at the "alcohol free concert" ...because HOW ELSE DO YOU NOT DO THE MATH AT THAT POINT.
What a dumb ass.
Which, quite frankly, I think is better than a NUMB ass.
I'm just saying.
It may, or may not have to do with the double tall extra whip (in a grande cup so as not to short me any coffee or whip...) I drank at 'BIBLE STUDY' ....which of course turned quickly into gab fest. Don't worry it wasn't gossip...it was all TRUE. haha. No no - it was about our woes, no one else's. And don't everyone pass out that I go to bible study ... IT'S AT STARBUCKS...OF COURSE I GO ...ONLY WAY I GET OUT OF THE HOUSE ON A THURSDAY NIGHT, KID FREE, WHILST DR. TEATS LOADS (with pizza) AND CLEANS (in bubble bath) THE PISTOLS.
It's really an awesome deal. Dr. Teats will get Treats tomorrow night as he was already in bed by the time I RETURNED from my blissful evening tonight.
So this is all I have to say tonight ... I just read that Kelly McGillis...the hot chick from Top Gun ...has come out of the closet. DUH, SHE KISSED TOM CRUISE... SICK, NEXT IT WILL BE Katie Holmes. YOU WATCH. I'm pretty sure Nicole Kidman is safely hetero since she's with MR. FREAKIN' HOT PANTS HIMSELF Keith Urban. (I don't care how short that mf'er is, he's H-O-T.) Anyhoo ... Tom Cruise is as gay as the day is long ...('NO OFFENSE' to quote MISS CALIFORNIA).
This wasn't near as devastating as the "coming out" news years ago about MY BELOVED *while equally short* Ty Herndon...whom none of you have ever heard of... but, I SOLEMNLY SWEAR, I CRIED WITH HORROR. Don't worry - I didn't hook up with the dude, on his bus, after meeting he and his band, when he appeared in an outdoor concert locally, and his bus driver took to me and my friend... (work the bus driver ladies...that's the ticket...)
He only privately sang to me... "You Can Leave Your Hat On" in WHITE elasticized sweat pants and a tie-dye t shirt and Birkenstocks, and tinted blue glasses ...because while he was wearing his SMOKIN', DELIGHTFULLY, HOT...black leather tight ass pants and HOT PEC-TIGHT TSHIRT on stage during his performance, he chose NOT to perform... "You Can Leave Your Hat On" which was what I went for in the first place. Gay. Gay. Gay. Clearly I'd smuggled one too many Vodkas into my "7/11 Big Gulp" of "LEMONADE" at the "alcohol free concert" ...because HOW ELSE DO YOU NOT DO THE MATH AT THAT POINT.
What a dumb ass.
Which, quite frankly, I think is better than a NUMB ass.
I'm just saying.
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