So I got this email today ... from Dr. Teats:
Babe, thought you would enjoy this,
BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain ofevents are put into motion: Routine...(1) The woman buys the food.(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert .(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. Here comes the important part:(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. More routine....(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great.He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips t hemeat Important again:(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine...(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,sauces, and brings them to the table.(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all;(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cookingefforts.(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off ';and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
UM, WTF IS SO G.D.FUNNY ABOUT THIS? IT'S DEAD...ON!!!!!!!
I replied:
oh sweet Jesus - STORY.OF.MY.LIFE. You'll be lucky if I don't email (co-worker who emailed him this blurb) and thank him for the written recap of my memorial day. Alright...ENJOY YOUR MEETING. I'm "this close" to hitting the pool instead of organizing a closet or a pantry or a drawer. My ass is on fire - been in and out of bathroom for the last 2 hours straight. I think it needs some salt water.
He replied:
You make me laugh. HAVE A GOOD REST OF THE DAY!
Oh for the love ...I make him laugh. What a lie. Have a good rest of the day? haha. He totally doesn't think I'm funny - he's 2 miles away at his 'lab' hiding out in that office so he doesn't have to come home to this one. Don't blame him. The pistols have been puking and feverish for 2 days. (yes, again...lol and I swear I use purell like a freak.)
So on that note, I hit the pool. Cheers.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Gonna get myself a donut!
No no, not the kind you're thinking of. Although they always sound good, they make me blow it out the back like a salad shooter.
I went to the store this morning to buy some beautiful orchids for my daughter's preschool teachers ... call it keepin' up with the Dutch Mafia if you want (the super moms that drive the 30 ft long, shiny and immaculate Escalades with the killer boat sticker on the window, show up at 8am looking like they just stepped off a fashion show runway, but insist they're on their way to the gym *code for botox injections* and they bake the best cupcakes, have 2 camcorders at the programs just in case one dies, and bid $6000.00 on the classroom sponsored beach themed family basket at the school silent auction fundraiser. You know who I'm talking about.) ... but I refuse to be a TOTAL loser. I'd already gotten a flyer in my box earlier this week from the Dutch Mafia (mom of said Dutch 3 year classmate of the pistols...)that it was the preschool head teacher's 70th birthday and to remind the children to bring "hand made notes" (WTF? NO STARBUCKS CARDS? HAND MADE NOTES TAKE SOOOOO MUCH TIME...EYE YI YI.) This mommy was sooooo on top of it, she provided pizza, a home made cake for teacher, and baked cupcakes for the kids ... it's a wonder she didn't show up at the last day of school picnic today with home made lasagna and tiramisu ... and a tossed salad to boot. (You know we rocked McDonalds happy meals and Starbucks amidst the plethora of Longaberger picnic baskets filled with yogurts, apples, cheese and bottled water, beach umbrellas.)
Sooo, speaking of tossed salad ... (eh hem)
While at the store ... I see this guy who I pull in right next to ..he was drivin' kind of a cool lookin' new model VW so I'm kinda starin' it down and then starin' him down...because as he hustles off to the store doors, he's walkin' like he has a stick up his ass ... and, well, he may have moments earlier ... but this is what I need you to know. Upon purchasing my orchids and heading back to the car - I parked my cart between our cars to get the Bazooka in her car seat, and so I take an opportunity to glance into this little VW ... (it intrigued me) only to see a big 'ole yellow DONUT for him to sit on in his driver's seat. OH.MY.LORD. I literally laughed out loud and looked around to make sure I wasn't on candid camera.
Guess he DOESN'T have a numb ass like THE MOCHA FREAK. Bet he wishes he did.
I'm just saying.
I went to the store this morning to buy some beautiful orchids for my daughter's preschool teachers ... call it keepin' up with the Dutch Mafia if you want (the super moms that drive the 30 ft long, shiny and immaculate Escalades with the killer boat sticker on the window, show up at 8am looking like they just stepped off a fashion show runway, but insist they're on their way to the gym *code for botox injections* and they bake the best cupcakes, have 2 camcorders at the programs just in case one dies, and bid $6000.00 on the classroom sponsored beach themed family basket at the school silent auction fundraiser. You know who I'm talking about.) ... but I refuse to be a TOTAL loser. I'd already gotten a flyer in my box earlier this week from the Dutch Mafia (mom of said Dutch 3 year classmate of the pistols...)that it was the preschool head teacher's 70th birthday and to remind the children to bring "hand made notes" (WTF? NO STARBUCKS CARDS? HAND MADE NOTES TAKE SOOOOO MUCH TIME...EYE YI YI.) This mommy was sooooo on top of it, she provided pizza, a home made cake for teacher, and baked cupcakes for the kids ... it's a wonder she didn't show up at the last day of school picnic today with home made lasagna and tiramisu ... and a tossed salad to boot. (You know we rocked McDonalds happy meals and Starbucks amidst the plethora of Longaberger picnic baskets filled with yogurts, apples, cheese and bottled water, beach umbrellas.)
Sooo, speaking of tossed salad ... (eh hem)
While at the store ... I see this guy who I pull in right next to ..he was drivin' kind of a cool lookin' new model VW so I'm kinda starin' it down and then starin' him down...because as he hustles off to the store doors, he's walkin' like he has a stick up his ass ... and, well, he may have moments earlier ... but this is what I need you to know. Upon purchasing my orchids and heading back to the car - I parked my cart between our cars to get the Bazooka in her car seat, and so I take an opportunity to glance into this little VW ... (it intrigued me) only to see a big 'ole yellow DONUT for him to sit on in his driver's seat. OH.MY.LORD. I literally laughed out loud and looked around to make sure I wasn't on candid camera.
Guess he DOESN'T have a numb ass like THE MOCHA FREAK. Bet he wishes he did.
I'm just saying.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Pride got the best of me ...
My niece graduated from Cal Berkeley with honors this weekend ...it was a PROUD moment for me, the AUNTIE. I traveled for hours to get there ...of cousre I did - WOULDN'T MISS IT!!! (Plus, sister, graduate's momma, flew in from Nashville to attend and I couldn't miss an opportunity to see her...)
So proud, that when I checked into the Holiday Inn ... late in the evening ... and noticed a handsome young man that looked like THAT ASSHOLE Jason from the bachelor and MORE IMPORTANTLY ... bore a striking resemblance to pictures I've seen of a boy that's been hanging with my niece for the past year ...
(this is where you say ..."please tell us you didn't introduce yourself ....")
Sorry ... couldn't help myself ... he's standing there with what appears to be mom and grandma ...Auntie big hair (my other sister) and I yell around the big crafstman style pillar ..."HEY,,,,,MIKE." (nothing from him, we're giggling like mad dogs) "HEY....MIIIIIKEEE!" (Still nothing. More cackling.) Auntie big hair thought it would be good to press the issue ... "excuse me are you Mike?"
He replies with a sickened look at both of us:
"Uhhhh, I'm 'A' Mike ..."
haha. Love him already. Sarcastic piece of shit. I laughed so hard I was doubled over ...
"WE'RE THE AUNTIES!!!! YIPPEEEE! HERE FOR GRADUATION!!!! WE'RE SO EXCITED ..."
He stares with a, um, smirk, can't even say smile, still appearing to be on the verge of vomit (which translates into WTF HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO ...MY GIRLFRIEND'S FAMILY ARE FREAKSHOWS...)
We introduce ourselves by name... he hesitantly, yet politely introduces us to mom and grandma who are CLEARLY AS ECSTATIC AS THE AUNTIES to be meeting the girlfriend's aunties in the lobby.
We text messaged the niece:
'GUESS WHAT? WE JUST MET MIKE, HIS MOM, AND GRANDMA IN THE LOBBY!!!! TEE HEE HEE'
Niece...although thrilled we traveled HOURS to watch her graduate from college ...
READY.TO.KICK.OUR.ASSES.
haha.
I know, you had to be there. But it was fun to rewrite it because I just laughed my ass off playing it all back.
So proud, that when I checked into the Holiday Inn ... late in the evening ... and noticed a handsome young man that looked like THAT ASSHOLE Jason from the bachelor and MORE IMPORTANTLY ... bore a striking resemblance to pictures I've seen of a boy that's been hanging with my niece for the past year ...
(this is where you say ..."please tell us you didn't introduce yourself ....")
Sorry ... couldn't help myself ... he's standing there with what appears to be mom and grandma ...Auntie big hair (my other sister) and I yell around the big crafstman style pillar ..."HEY,,,,,MIKE." (nothing from him, we're giggling like mad dogs) "HEY....MIIIIIKEEE!" (Still nothing. More cackling.) Auntie big hair thought it would be good to press the issue ... "excuse me are you Mike?"
He replies with a sickened look at both of us:
"Uhhhh, I'm 'A' Mike ..."
haha. Love him already. Sarcastic piece of shit. I laughed so hard I was doubled over ...
"WE'RE THE AUNTIES!!!! YIPPEEEE! HERE FOR GRADUATION!!!! WE'RE SO EXCITED ..."
He stares with a, um, smirk, can't even say smile, still appearing to be on the verge of vomit (which translates into WTF HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO ...MY GIRLFRIEND'S FAMILY ARE FREAKSHOWS...)
We introduce ourselves by name... he hesitantly, yet politely introduces us to mom and grandma who are CLEARLY AS ECSTATIC AS THE AUNTIES to be meeting the girlfriend's aunties in the lobby.
We text messaged the niece:
'GUESS WHAT? WE JUST MET MIKE, HIS MOM, AND GRANDMA IN THE LOBBY!!!! TEE HEE HEE'
Niece...although thrilled we traveled HOURS to watch her graduate from college ...
READY.TO.KICK.OUR.ASSES.
haha.
I know, you had to be there. But it was fun to rewrite it because I just laughed my ass off playing it all back.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Best $5.95 you'll ever spend at the grocery store ..
GOD BLESS ORAL B. (Braun or Sonic will suffice but WAY overpriced, and I'm married to a Dutchman so Oral B it is.)
Are you sitting?
Get the water, diet coke, or in my case 'mocha' out of your mouth, swallow it.
Follow me:
Pistols bathing. (nightly ritual)
I have them brush their teeth while they bathe because it's just easier that way at night.
I walk away to put the pj's on beds.
Walk back into said brushing session, only, lil' bazooka...(20 months), grinning ear to ear and giggling, does NOT, have the vibrating, Pooh, toothbrush in her mouth ...
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHY IN THE HELL DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT??????????????
So, in case I need to spell it out for some of you, after my 'DEEP CLEANING THE HOUSE' ...(with help of the WINE), you will MORE than likely find me in my freshly chloroxed bathtub...
'BRUSHING MY TEETH.'
Things are looking up.
(p.s. I'm totally screwed with the second kid. SCREWED. And I thought the 1st pistol and her POLE dancing was gonna do me in. INSERT F BOMB.)
Are you sitting?
Get the water, diet coke, or in my case 'mocha' out of your mouth, swallow it.
Follow me:
Pistols bathing. (nightly ritual)
I have them brush their teeth while they bathe because it's just easier that way at night.
I walk away to put the pj's on beds.
Walk back into said brushing session, only, lil' bazooka...(20 months), grinning ear to ear and giggling, does NOT, have the vibrating, Pooh, toothbrush in her mouth ...
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHY IN THE HELL DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT??????????????
So, in case I need to spell it out for some of you, after my 'DEEP CLEANING THE HOUSE' ...(with help of the WINE), you will MORE than likely find me in my freshly chloroxed bathtub...
'BRUSHING MY TEETH.'
Things are looking up.
(p.s. I'm totally screwed with the second kid. SCREWED. And I thought the 1st pistol and her POLE dancing was gonna do me in. INSERT F BOMB.)
Love handles??? I'm so over that.
I should be cleaning out that closet I mentioned...but instead, I'm facebooking, and I'm listening to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and drinking my third starbucks of the day ... the DVR of MMC has just ended and the TV flipped back over to "Disney Channel", and this is what I hear "LOVE HANDLES ... THAT IS MY MOM'S FAVORITE BAND!!!!!!!" (Phineus and Ferb - whatever that is)
You gotta be shittin' me. Is this the quality television our children are being exposed to on the Disney Channel? I try to be careful in the afternoon - with a newly 4 yr old and 20 month old ... no Hanna Montana or Suite Life for them ...I have a potential pole dancer on my hands already - she doesn't need to learn about relationships with boys quite yet. (eye roll and *sigh*)
But who in the F*** writes into a children's script about a band called Love Handles ...
The only one who should be writing about love handles period, is me. And, for the record... I'd prefer to name that OUTSTANDING part of my body after a cupcake please ...IT'S CALLED A MUFFIN TOP PEOPLE. Love handles is SO 90's. Geesh.
Sincerely,
The biggest muffin top in central valley thanks to my 'one size too small' jeans...
M.F.
You gotta be shittin' me. Is this the quality television our children are being exposed to on the Disney Channel? I try to be careful in the afternoon - with a newly 4 yr old and 20 month old ... no Hanna Montana or Suite Life for them ...I have a potential pole dancer on my hands already - she doesn't need to learn about relationships with boys quite yet. (eye roll and *sigh*)
But who in the F*** writes into a children's script about a band called Love Handles ...
The only one who should be writing about love handles period, is me. And, for the record... I'd prefer to name that OUTSTANDING part of my body after a cupcake please ...IT'S CALLED A MUFFIN TOP PEOPLE. Love handles is SO 90's. Geesh.
Sincerely,
The biggest muffin top in central valley thanks to my 'one size too small' jeans...
M.F.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
I need an ankle band ... and some knee pads to boot.
Can someone hold me back from the Gap Kids Outlet ...if they are one minute closer I'm going to blow my monthly budget there all.summer.long. Seriously I need one of those ankle bands criminals have to wear on home arrest, AND IT NEEDS TO BEEP LOUDLY WHEN I'M HEADED TOWARDS THE LOCAL OUTLET STORES...
DAMN, they have cute stuff right now.
The only good news was, I bought a recycleable shopping bag for $4.00, that saved me 10% on my !@$$$$$$$%# purchase ...and if you knew how much my savings were you'd spell 'HELP' IN YOUR SHORTS WITH ME. My savings, were what I should have spent, period.
Better drink a lot of wine, and do a LOT of cleaning tonight before the Amex bill hits Dr. Teats inbox and he rolls in from TX tomorrow ... might.should.pick.up.some.knee.pads.to.boot. (not for scrubbing grout either ...) I'm gonna need some bonus points with Dr. Teats...that, I know for sure.
Gotta gear myself up. 24 hours and counting til I 'pay' ...LOL.
DAMN, they have cute stuff right now.
The only good news was, I bought a recycleable shopping bag for $4.00, that saved me 10% on my !@$$$$$$$%# purchase ...and if you knew how much my savings were you'd spell 'HELP' IN YOUR SHORTS WITH ME. My savings, were what I should have spent, period.
Better drink a lot of wine, and do a LOT of cleaning tonight before the Amex bill hits Dr. Teats inbox and he rolls in from TX tomorrow ... might.should.pick.up.some.knee.pads.to.boot. (not for scrubbing grout either ...) I'm gonna need some bonus points with Dr. Teats...that, I know for sure.
Gotta gear myself up. 24 hours and counting til I 'pay' ...LOL.
Monday, May 11, 2009
One of the blogs I love ...Misadventures of a Newlywed, (check her out - I don't even plug her for a giveaway - she just finished one, matter of fact...here is the link to her blog ... http://misadventuresofanewlywed.blogspot.com) recently got the queen ding dong 'LIGHT BULB MOMENT' award in my book ..for suggesting cleaning her kitchen only WHILST drinking a glass of wine. I MEAN, THE THOUGHT OF CLEANING WITH A MOCHA, THAT'S JUST ...'OK'...BUT crunked up cleaning ... this is an EXTRAORDINARY IDEA. (Crunked up on mocha is really only good for one thing and that's to keep me from being mean to any really cute little children while awakened at 5:45am...)
So, part of me is wondering about the friends I have that have these type A, emmaculate houses ... (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE...) IS THIS THEIR SECRET? I'm sure it's not but I'll tell myself it is to make myself feel better about the pig sty I call my house. (Don't worry, it's clean in the front - I'm the closet pig house keeper that tosses all of the crap in the walk in closet in the back of the house which happens to be mine ...the kind where you can't even shut the door, let alone open it ...for fear you might be buried.)
So here is my challenge to myself .. LOTS OF CLEANING IN THE NEAR FUTURE. I'm oozing with happiness just thinking about what's going down tonight... after the pistols 'hit the hay'. They might be going to bed early ... VERY early. Is 5pm to early? Anyone?
Cheers to me, and my new found love of cleaning ...(and my budget that is about to go through the roof when Dr. Teats comes home on a regular basis to a spotless house.)
DUI'S ARE FOR LOSERS, BUT CUI ...SERIOUSLY... FREAKIN' GENIUS. Now the trick is the pistols. It's gonna be tempting friends, not to 'CLEAN' ALL DAY LONG.
All smiles,
M.F.
So, part of me is wondering about the friends I have that have these type A, emmaculate houses ... (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE...) IS THIS THEIR SECRET? I'm sure it's not but I'll tell myself it is to make myself feel better about the pig sty I call my house. (Don't worry, it's clean in the front - I'm the closet pig house keeper that tosses all of the crap in the walk in closet in the back of the house which happens to be mine ...the kind where you can't even shut the door, let alone open it ...for fear you might be buried.)
So here is my challenge to myself .. LOTS OF CLEANING IN THE NEAR FUTURE. I'm oozing with happiness just thinking about what's going down tonight... after the pistols 'hit the hay'. They might be going to bed early ... VERY early. Is 5pm to early? Anyone?
Cheers to me, and my new found love of cleaning ...(and my budget that is about to go through the roof when Dr. Teats comes home on a regular basis to a spotless house.)
DUI'S ARE FOR LOSERS, BUT CUI ...SERIOUSLY... FREAKIN' GENIUS. Now the trick is the pistols. It's gonna be tempting friends, not to 'CLEAN' ALL DAY LONG.
All smiles,
M.F.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
