I heard about the funniest thing I'd heard in days ... one of my besties is a special ed teacher ... and her teaching partner was doing a unit on Lord knows What and proceeded to tell the class that my girlfriend (her Teaching partner) had a fireman pole ....(you know my mind is always in the gutter, so you can do the math and assume that my friends minds are probably in the gutter to boot SO CLEARLY she was havin' fun with it at my girlfriends expense WHICH I APPLAUD). The kids were all thrilled at the thought...until one of them called her out and said "Hey that's what some nasty girls have ..." and she had to "redirect" to the play ground or FIRE HOUSE - as opposed to HER BEDROOM. haha. I kid you not ...I laughed til I hurt picturing it go down ...
But wtf am I laughing for, I'm the one that has a dirty dancing daughter and have a four poster bed to be delivered to my bedroom next week ...AFTER I swore to all of you I could never get a bed with posts as I didn't need my bedroom being training grounds for a "college job".
Never fear though, I'm a big girl, I got wide posts ...wouldn't want them to snap in the middle of a dance I learned from my 3 year old ...
I'M JUST SAYING.
Tip for the day: GET YOURSELF A FIREMAN POLE. Damn well guarantee you'll get all the Coach bags you could want for ...
Toodles,
M.F.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Bazooka on fire ...bless her heart...
Don't worry it's not what you think but before I get to Bazooka en fuego ...Can someone please tell me, why some days, at STARBUCKS OF COURSE...is there one car in front of me, from order board to window - ONE CAR ...they receive ONE DRINK at the window and are off and it took 13 minutes and 42 seconds ... the very next day, there are 6 cars in front of me, and the two in front of me each get 5 drinks handed out one at a time passed through the window to their mini van carrying 5 kids ... and I waited 13 minutes and 41 seconds. IT MAKES NO SENSE.
Someone throw me a bone.
So obviously - I'm off to drink my mocha ... I was up all night b/c Dr. Teats thought it would be sweet to get some "good night bath wash" to help the Bazooka sleep ... she's been having a rough go of it lately - teething, cold, and eczema ... Dr. Teats didn't hear me very well when I said a. anything with lavendar not a good idea and will irritate it and b. really shouldn't use SOAP period if we don't have to every night. And so ...he snored his way off to the alarm waking him up for his monthly trip to Texas this morning ... I held a miserable baby all night and tried to balance the worse of two evils ... Benadryl to lessen the itch and take away the nasty rash but cause nose to run even MORE or Tylenol cold/cough so her nose would stop running ... Poor little thing ...and poor momma ... STILL SPORTING DARK CIRCLES AND A PUFFY FACE... MAYBE A CUTE PUFFY VEST WOULD BE CUTE WITH THE PUFFY EYES AND FACE. ?
Let's just say Dr. Teats didn't enjoy the view he had of Mocha Freak on Skype from the Dallas Fort Worth airport this morning ...
*Sigh*
Someone throw me a bone.
So obviously - I'm off to drink my mocha ... I was up all night b/c Dr. Teats thought it would be sweet to get some "good night bath wash" to help the Bazooka sleep ... she's been having a rough go of it lately - teething, cold, and eczema ... Dr. Teats didn't hear me very well when I said a. anything with lavendar not a good idea and will irritate it and b. really shouldn't use SOAP period if we don't have to every night. And so ...he snored his way off to the alarm waking him up for his monthly trip to Texas this morning ... I held a miserable baby all night and tried to balance the worse of two evils ... Benadryl to lessen the itch and take away the nasty rash but cause nose to run even MORE or Tylenol cold/cough so her nose would stop running ... Poor little thing ...and poor momma ... STILL SPORTING DARK CIRCLES AND A PUFFY FACE... MAYBE A CUTE PUFFY VEST WOULD BE CUTE WITH THE PUFFY EYES AND FACE. ?
Let's just say Dr. Teats didn't enjoy the view he had of Mocha Freak on Skype from the Dallas Fort Worth airport this morning ...
*Sigh*
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
TMI
The bazooka, in all of her glory, full of piss and vinegar - is standing behind the couch, on the window sill, spread eagle with a shit eatin' grin shaking her bootie up against the window back and forth to the sweet tunes of sesame street (shoot me!)...and I've decided now would be an opportune time to write a little somethin'. I have dark circles under my eyes, am in baseball cap, vintage mickey hoodie (dreaming about d-land), baggy Luckys (normally baggy jeans a good thing, AMEN? But, I'm pissed b/c they're so stinking cute when they fit, even when I'm a fat ass ... but today - not so cute as the ass sags b/c of the gall stone induced weight loss ... ) and my uggs. Last nights make up if you have to know. Hoping I'll be showered and dressed for the day by noon. I've got a sitter coming at 1pm, and shopping and dinner with the girls tonight ...(THANK YOU SWEET BABY JESUS.) Heaven forbid Dr. Teats come home a little early and let me OUT to play ...
Damn ...so although I haven't been writing I have still been reading ... BLOGS. I have to admit - it's so sick and twisted, but I read the blog of my ex's sister in law ...and while I don't think it's necessary to drop the F bomb very often ... LET ME SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS ... F-BOMB! This chic is nuts. She is like Martha Stewart meets Beth Moore (huge Christian speaker and author who I happen to love but the woman is over the top at any rate.) I obviously can't give too much detail but it's one of those blogs that you read and just go 'SHIT ...I'm a failure of a mom, wife, my husband is way more of an ass than I thought, my kids are deprived, my house is a rat hole, and my spiritual walk ...haha - HAHAHAHAHA." All I can do is laugh about that one. I am sure there are millions that find those kinds of blogs so encouraging and inspiring AND ADORE THE LITTLE TIPS ...clearly I'm just not one of them. And clearly I didn't have a chance with that mother-in-law ...haha. (that's a story for another day.) I like the sarcastic, truthful, realistic, show me how to look cute for 30 bucks kind of blogs ...that occasionally cuss the husband and.... maybe even the kids. haha. (ALTHOUGH WITH LOVE IN THEIR/OUR HEARTS ...HA.)
So ... on that note ...if I ever start getting inspirational, or tell you about the faces I made on my kids sandwiches with raisins and carrots, or show you the latest collection of 'weeds' from my garden that I have arranged in a lovely vase or wreath ... give you the most delicious recipe for pumpkin pie and a tip on how not to burn the crust ... OR FRY A DAMN EGG IN THE MIDDLE OF A PIECE OF BREAD WITH A HEART SHAPE CUT OUT ...
JUST.YELL.WHAT.THE.FBOMB.MOCHAFREAK ... SNAP OUT OF IT.
The good news is the chances of me ever getting to that place are like snow in hell ...(although she probably has a recipe for snow in hell...) but in the meantime ... so annoying. Why do I torture myself? Don't worry, I read while the pistol and bazooka are schnoozing and shout the F-bomb at a whisper as I read ... and laugh, and get sick to my stomach ... I DON'T KNOW - there is just something so intriguing about someone who just seems so UNBELIEVABLY UNREAL ... I literally go from cussing to laughing in disbelief ... with the occasional ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? To myself of course ...
Thank you Lord for sparing me a lot of really DIFFICULT HOLIDAYS WITH THOSE INLAWS ... and possibly yelling a WTF at a beautifully set Holiday table, with a perfect pie, honey roasted ham, and Holly freaking Hobby commenting on how much she L-O-V-E-S the monster-in-law's traditional salad ... placed at your setting before you sit down ...which consisted of a LARGE LEAF OF ICE BERG LETTUCE, A SLICE OF PINEAPPLE, AND A DAB OF MAYONAISSE 'ATOP' ... SHIT. YOU. NOT. Sick. Those bastards gave me extra one time because they knew how much it made me gag and all laughed their asses off as I tried to graciously shovel it in taking big swigs of water (b/c heaven forbid I drink a PEPSI for dinner ... which for the record would have been a much better chaser...nevermind the lack of MALIBU TO GO WITH IT WHICH WAS UNHEARD OF IN THAT HOUSEHOLD ...) I'm thrilled to be in the place I am now ...allowed liquor when I want it, allowed to say SHIT when I stub my toe, and not required to sing in the choir to prove my LOFTY SPIRITUAL STATUS. Phew ...what a relief. Maybe that's why I read it ... for reminder's sake ... I will say if I'm ever pissed at Dr. Teats ...straight to that blog I go and am reminded why I am here, and NOT THERE. Yikes.
Wow ... one day...if you catch me posting with a bit of a buzz, I might *just happen to* paste her blog just for shits and giggles ... then you can drop the F-bomb and get sick to your stomach with me. haha.
Do I even need to say ...I'M JUST SAYING. Wow. Talk about TMI with NO PMS.
Toodles (gag) - I have to go as it's 12:05 and I was hoping to be showered by now ...
P.s. I vow to try to be less of a bitch and funnier next time ...
M.F.
Damn ...so although I haven't been writing I have still been reading ... BLOGS. I have to admit - it's so sick and twisted, but I read the blog of my ex's sister in law ...and while I don't think it's necessary to drop the F bomb very often ... LET ME SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS ... F-BOMB! This chic is nuts. She is like Martha Stewart meets Beth Moore (huge Christian speaker and author who I happen to love but the woman is over the top at any rate.) I obviously can't give too much detail but it's one of those blogs that you read and just go 'SHIT ...I'm a failure of a mom, wife, my husband is way more of an ass than I thought, my kids are deprived, my house is a rat hole, and my spiritual walk ...haha - HAHAHAHAHA." All I can do is laugh about that one. I am sure there are millions that find those kinds of blogs so encouraging and inspiring AND ADORE THE LITTLE TIPS ...clearly I'm just not one of them. And clearly I didn't have a chance with that mother-in-law ...haha. (that's a story for another day.) I like the sarcastic, truthful, realistic, show me how to look cute for 30 bucks kind of blogs ...that occasionally cuss the husband and.... maybe even the kids. haha. (ALTHOUGH WITH LOVE IN THEIR/OUR HEARTS ...HA.)
So ... on that note ...if I ever start getting inspirational, or tell you about the faces I made on my kids sandwiches with raisins and carrots, or show you the latest collection of 'weeds' from my garden that I have arranged in a lovely vase or wreath ... give you the most delicious recipe for pumpkin pie and a tip on how not to burn the crust ... OR FRY A DAMN EGG IN THE MIDDLE OF A PIECE OF BREAD WITH A HEART SHAPE CUT OUT ...
JUST.YELL.WHAT.THE.FBOMB.MOCHAFREAK ... SNAP OUT OF IT.
The good news is the chances of me ever getting to that place are like snow in hell ...(although she probably has a recipe for snow in hell...) but in the meantime ... so annoying. Why do I torture myself? Don't worry, I read while the pistol and bazooka are schnoozing and shout the F-bomb at a whisper as I read ... and laugh, and get sick to my stomach ... I DON'T KNOW - there is just something so intriguing about someone who just seems so UNBELIEVABLY UNREAL ... I literally go from cussing to laughing in disbelief ... with the occasional ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? To myself of course ...
Thank you Lord for sparing me a lot of really DIFFICULT HOLIDAYS WITH THOSE INLAWS ... and possibly yelling a WTF at a beautifully set Holiday table, with a perfect pie, honey roasted ham, and Holly freaking Hobby commenting on how much she L-O-V-E-S the monster-in-law's traditional salad ... placed at your setting before you sit down ...which consisted of a LARGE LEAF OF ICE BERG LETTUCE, A SLICE OF PINEAPPLE, AND A DAB OF MAYONAISSE 'ATOP' ... SHIT. YOU. NOT. Sick. Those bastards gave me extra one time because they knew how much it made me gag and all laughed their asses off as I tried to graciously shovel it in taking big swigs of water (b/c heaven forbid I drink a PEPSI for dinner ... which for the record would have been a much better chaser...nevermind the lack of MALIBU TO GO WITH IT WHICH WAS UNHEARD OF IN THAT HOUSEHOLD ...) I'm thrilled to be in the place I am now ...allowed liquor when I want it, allowed to say SHIT when I stub my toe, and not required to sing in the choir to prove my LOFTY SPIRITUAL STATUS. Phew ...what a relief. Maybe that's why I read it ... for reminder's sake ... I will say if I'm ever pissed at Dr. Teats ...straight to that blog I go and am reminded why I am here, and NOT THERE. Yikes.
Wow ... one day...if you catch me posting with a bit of a buzz, I might *just happen to* paste her blog just for shits and giggles ... then you can drop the F-bomb and get sick to your stomach with me. haha.
Do I even need to say ...I'M JUST SAYING. Wow. Talk about TMI with NO PMS.
Toodles (gag) - I have to go as it's 12:05 and I was hoping to be showered by now ...
P.s. I vow to try to be less of a bitch and funnier next time ...
M.F.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
THE FIRST 'NO-HELL'
Merry Christmas ... at 1:23am December 25th... promptly ... I am sitting listening to some dude that looks like Mr. Bean sing the First Noel, oh, and he sounds like Mr. Bean too, but I digress. It is some lame documentary on the history of the "Nativity Scene" (how on earth did this follow Jimmy Kimmel?) and I can't change the channel because the Bazooka's BIG CHRISTMAS PRESENT IS SETUP IN SUCH A WAY THAT IT'S BLOCKING THE RECEIVER FROM MY FREAKIN' BADASS UNIVERSAL REMOTE . W.T.F. I'm too achy from wrapping to move from my position on my "perch" to get a better angle to change it. Thus, the Christmas morning blog ...this is what hell would be like ... someone TEARING UP the First Noel off key and thinking they ROCK ...and no way to stop it ... you just have to listen to it... no way to drown it out or plug your ears ...
So while my ears are in agony ... (the mute won't work either so don't get smart with me ...) - let me just say, that Santa, put one toy together and hit the sack ... while I sat up and wrapped furiously. It was in the madness, however, that I realized ...screw this ..."Santa" is shnoozin ...can't have the pistol waking up seeing a full cup of milk and plate of cookies ...Dr. Teats didn't do it ...GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO. Well doesn't that just suck huh?
Next year I'm leaving Santa a Dark Chocolate with chocolate ice cream haagen dasz bar and a bottle of Vodka.
Uggg ... 5 more hours til Starbucks opens ... I. CAN'T. WAIT. Nothin' like my triple grande mocha on Christmas morning. haha.
Hope you're doing something better than I am at 1:37 December 25th, 2008.
Cheers to you and your peeps,
M.F.
So while my ears are in agony ... (the mute won't work either so don't get smart with me ...) - let me just say, that Santa, put one toy together and hit the sack ... while I sat up and wrapped furiously. It was in the madness, however, that I realized ...screw this ..."Santa" is shnoozin ...can't have the pistol waking up seeing a full cup of milk and plate of cookies ...Dr. Teats didn't do it ...GUESS I'M GONNA HAVE TO. Well doesn't that just suck huh?
Next year I'm leaving Santa a Dark Chocolate with chocolate ice cream haagen dasz bar and a bottle of Vodka.
Uggg ... 5 more hours til Starbucks opens ... I. CAN'T. WAIT. Nothin' like my triple grande mocha on Christmas morning. haha.
Hope you're doing something better than I am at 1:37 December 25th, 2008.
Cheers to you and your peeps,
M.F.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
DEAR GODDER FODDER.. PLEASE TELL ME HIPS DO LIE ...
SERIOUSLY ... the oldest pistol was doing the most inappropriate and disturbing dancing I've ever seen last night. To, the oldest version of Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire I'd ever heard. It's not like it was Shakira. I had to call Dr. Teats in from Teatsville (the office) to view with me so he wouldn't think I was exaggerating. It was totally unbelievable. I looked at him like "wtf have you been watching???" and he was giving me the same "wtf?" I mean ...Dancing With the Stars ... mmmm - it's a stretch. We're talking ... D-I-R-T-Y. And not in a 1980's sort of way ... in a "You might get a gig on Howard Stern" kind of way ... WOW. I can't even describe it all to you except to say ...
SHE WILL N-E-V-E-R have a four post bed. I don't want to feed into the training.
THREE. YEARS. OLD.
I'm screwed. And I promise ... it's Noggin, Sprout and Disney channel around here ... HAVE YOU SEEN BELLE OR AURORA SHAKE IT LIKE THEIR HIPS DON'T LIE?
Dear Sweet Baby Jesus ... Godder Fodder, Elf on a Shelf ... Good ole Saint Nick ... whoever will hear my prayer ... I do not want to see my daughter on Girls Gone Wild ... WE WILL PAY FOR HER COLLEGE EDUCATION... so there will be no need for extra money ... the trust fund is already set up .... I AM ON MY KNEES, not afraid to beg ... I want my girl to be the classy, athletic, piano playing, nice girl ... you know, THE DESIGNATED DRIVER OF ALL THE HUSSIES ...NOT THE HUSSY HERSELF! Damn it. I mean ...Amen.
The local ballet company is now on speed dial. We are enrolled. I am determined to RE-DIRECT her uh...God giv.. uh. .. talen...uhh... ABILITY TO "m-o-v-e" 'it' ... into something classy and productive.
Horrified,
M.F.
SHE WILL N-E-V-E-R have a four post bed. I don't want to feed into the training.
THREE. YEARS. OLD.
I'm screwed. And I promise ... it's Noggin, Sprout and Disney channel around here ... HAVE YOU SEEN BELLE OR AURORA SHAKE IT LIKE THEIR HIPS DON'T LIE?
Dear Sweet Baby Jesus ... Godder Fodder, Elf on a Shelf ... Good ole Saint Nick ... whoever will hear my prayer ... I do not want to see my daughter on Girls Gone Wild ... WE WILL PAY FOR HER COLLEGE EDUCATION... so there will be no need for extra money ... the trust fund is already set up .... I AM ON MY KNEES, not afraid to beg ... I want my girl to be the classy, athletic, piano playing, nice girl ... you know, THE DESIGNATED DRIVER OF ALL THE HUSSIES ...NOT THE HUSSY HERSELF! Damn it. I mean ...Amen.
The local ballet company is now on speed dial. We are enrolled. I am determined to RE-DIRECT her uh...God giv.. uh. .. talen...uhh... ABILITY TO "m-o-v-e" 'it' ... into something classy and productive.
Horrified,
M.F.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Christmas confusion
There is ABSOLUTE (as opposed to the usual 'udder') confusion in my household ... the oldest pistol has announced that the baby Jesus is a girl, her mom's name is in fact Mary, however, Jesus' dad's name is "Jophus" and the quote of the day ... (in reference to the recently moved Elf on a Shelf whose hands happened to land in his crotch) "MOOOM ... (nervous giggle) THAT ELF IS GRABBIN' HISSELF! LOOK AT HE'EM!"
Next thing you know ..I'm gonna catch that damn elf lying on his back smoking a cigarette.
Better yet ... perhaps it will be me.
(I'm with you Say it Out Loud ...Grande, two pumps please...I'm convinced there must have been some reference to that in the song Santa Baby that got edited out at some point ... what a shame. Someone feel free to tip off Dr. Teats what I'd like stuffed in my stocking.)
Cheers to Monday before the Sweet baby Jesus birfday ...
M.F.
Next thing you know ..I'm gonna catch that damn elf lying on his back smoking a cigarette.
Better yet ... perhaps it will be me.
(I'm with you Say it Out Loud ...Grande, two pumps please...I'm convinced there must have been some reference to that in the song Santa Baby that got edited out at some point ... what a shame. Someone feel free to tip off Dr. Teats what I'd like stuffed in my stocking.)
Cheers to Monday before the Sweet baby Jesus birfday ...
M.F.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Eggnog anyone?
Christmas is fun with a 3 year old ...I just gotta say ... Santa lives at the "North Pool" (and she hasn't even been to the Grand Wailea????) and I got to go to her preschool program where she sang proud:
GODDER FODDER GODDER FODDER
ONCE AGAIN, ONCE AGAIN,
THANK YOU FOR OUR BLESSINGS THANK YOU FOR OUR BLESSINGS ODD MEANT ...ODDDD MEANT. (Amen for anyone who is so overhwhelmed with Christmas wrapping and drunk on wine that they didn't get that...)
Andddddddd, just cause I feel like bitching (do the math sisters..it's that time) ...the elf still isn't working for shit. My house and car smell like throw up. (baby pistol on round two of pukesville) I lost 75% of the addresses in my "Christmas card label word.doc" as I merged them into labels as it "DELETED DOCUMENT" unbeknownst to me ...so yesterday was SUPER fun with white pages, the church website and old emails - thank God for facebook and people getting their cards out early ...And last but not least, I had to ask Dr. Teats for a raise ... are you ready to give me a high five ... I PUT IT IN AN EMAIL - HAHA...just the way he likes things ... FREAKIN' TYPE A.
CROSS YOUR FINGERS ... my monthly budget was blown on the cheese for my broccoli soup by December 5th ... I still have a lot of CHRISTMAS SHOPPING TO DO ... HIS FOR ONE.
LMAO.
And, here's to SPIKED, VERY SPIKED EGGNOG ... (I hate eggnog but I'll drink it right now if it will give me a buzz ....)
Cheers
M.F.
GODDER FODDER GODDER FODDER
ONCE AGAIN, ONCE AGAIN,
THANK YOU FOR OUR BLESSINGS THANK YOU FOR OUR BLESSINGS ODD MEANT ...ODDDD MEANT. (Amen for anyone who is so overhwhelmed with Christmas wrapping and drunk on wine that they didn't get that...)
Andddddddd, just cause I feel like bitching (do the math sisters..it's that time) ...the elf still isn't working for shit. My house and car smell like throw up. (baby pistol on round two of pukesville) I lost 75% of the addresses in my "Christmas card label word.doc" as I merged them into labels as it "DELETED DOCUMENT" unbeknownst to me ...so yesterday was SUPER fun with white pages, the church website and old emails - thank God for facebook and people getting their cards out early ...And last but not least, I had to ask Dr. Teats for a raise ... are you ready to give me a high five ... I PUT IT IN AN EMAIL - HAHA...just the way he likes things ... FREAKIN' TYPE A.
CROSS YOUR FINGERS ... my monthly budget was blown on the cheese for my broccoli soup by December 5th ... I still have a lot of CHRISTMAS SHOPPING TO DO ... HIS FOR ONE.
LMAO.
And, here's to SPIKED, VERY SPIKED EGGNOG ... (I hate eggnog but I'll drink it right now if it will give me a buzz ....)
Cheers
M.F.
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