DEAR GODDER FODDER.. PLEASE TELL ME HIPS DO LIE ...

SERIOUSLY ... the oldest pistol was doing the most inappropriate and disturbing dancing I've ever seen last night. To, the oldest version of Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire I'd ever heard. It's not like it was Shakira. I had to call Dr. Teats in from Teatsville (the office) to view with me so he wouldn't think I was exaggerating. It was totally unbelievable. I looked at him like "wtf have you been watching???" and he was giving me the same "wtf?" I mean ...Dancing With the Stars ... mmmm - it's a stretch. We're talking ... D-I-R-T-Y. And not in a 1980's sort of way ... in a "You might get a gig on Howard Stern" kind of way ... WOW. I can't even describe it all to you except to say ...

SHE WILL N-E-V-E-R have a four post bed. I don't want to feed into the training.

THREE. YEARS. OLD.

I'm screwed. And I promise ... it's Noggin, Sprout and Disney channel around here ... HAVE YOU SEEN BELLE OR AURORA SHAKE IT LIKE THEIR HIPS DON'T LIE?

Dear Sweet Baby Jesus ... Godder Fodder, Elf on a Shelf ... Good ole Saint Nick ... whoever will hear my prayer ... I do not want to see my daughter on Girls Gone Wild ... WE WILL PAY FOR HER COLLEGE EDUCATION... so there will be no need for extra money ... the trust fund is already set up .... I AM ON MY KNEES, not afraid to beg ... I want my girl to be the classy, athletic, piano playing, nice girl ... you know, THE DESIGNATED DRIVER OF ALL THE HUSSIES ...NOT THE HUSSY HERSELF! Damn it. I mean ...Amen.

The local ballet company is now on speed dial. We are enrolled. I am determined to RE-DIRECT her uh...God giv.. uh. .. talen...uhh... ABILITY TO "m-o-v-e" 'it' ... into something classy and productive.

Horrified,
M.F.

Christmas confusion

There is ABSOLUTE (as opposed to the usual 'udder') confusion in my household ... the oldest pistol has announced that the baby Jesus is a girl, her mom's name is in fact Mary, however, Jesus' dad's name is "Jophus" and the quote of the day ... (in reference to the recently moved Elf on a Shelf whose hands happened to land in his crotch) "MOOOM ... (nervous giggle) THAT ELF IS GRABBIN' HISSELF! LOOK AT HE'EM!"

Next thing you know ..I'm gonna catch that damn elf lying on his back smoking a cigarette.

Better yet ... perhaps it will be me.

(I'm with you Say it Out Loud ...Grande, two pumps please...I'm convinced there must have been some reference to that in the song Santa Baby that got edited out at some point ... what a shame. Someone feel free to tip off Dr. Teats what I'd like stuffed in my stocking.)

Cheers to Monday before the Sweet baby Jesus birfday ...

M.F.

Eggnog anyone?

Christmas is fun with a 3 year old ...I just gotta say ... Santa lives at the "North Pool" (and she hasn't even been to the Grand Wailea????) and I got to go to her preschool program where she sang proud:

GODDER FODDER GODDER FODDER
ONCE AGAIN, ONCE AGAIN,
THANK YOU FOR OUR BLESSINGS THANK YOU FOR OUR BLESSINGS ODD MEANT ...ODDDD MEANT. (Amen for anyone who is so overhwhelmed with Christmas wrapping and drunk on wine that they didn't get that...)

Andddddddd, just cause I feel like bitching (do the math sisters..it's that time) ...the elf still isn't working for shit. My house and car smell like throw up. (baby pistol on round two of pukesville) I lost 75% of the addresses in my "Christmas card label word.doc" as I merged them into labels as it "DELETED DOCUMENT" unbeknownst to me ...so yesterday was SUPER fun with white pages, the church website and old emails - thank God for facebook and people getting their cards out early ...And last but not least, I had to ask Dr. Teats for a raise ... are you ready to give me a high five ... I PUT IT IN AN EMAIL - HAHA...just the way he likes things ... FREAKIN' TYPE A.

CROSS YOUR FINGERS ... my monthly budget was blown on the cheese for my broccoli soup by December 5th ... I still have a lot of CHRISTMAS SHOPPING TO DO ... HIS FOR ONE.

LMAO.

And, here's to SPIKED, VERY SPIKED EGGNOG ... (I hate eggnog but I'll drink it right now if it will give me a buzz ....)

Cheers
M.F.

A milestone for dad ...

We threw my dad a 70th birthday party tonight ... that was a huge, exciting, sentimental - JUST SPECIAL time for us ... what an answer to many prayers and a blessing he is still alive after all that he has fought ...crazy. I have nothing sarcastic, or negative, or funny ...just feeling blessed ... that my parents are still around to love on my babies ... and for my babies to love on them. AND, my pistols were so well behaved (aside from the oldest who drew a stick man on a napkin and was taking it around to everyone saying it was what her boyfriend looked like ...this thing hasn't died down yet unfortunately...).

That's all. I've nothin' else for ya. The elf still isn't working, I'm loving aquafor and rocking a size 10. COMFORTABLY TODAY .... (not sure what Stacy London would have to say about that but I'd take my chances hearing it from her if it meant I got to get locked in a small room with mirrors with Clinton Kelly ...I don't care if he prefers men, IF in fact he does - all I know is... I LOVE THAT MAN.)

Boring I know. It will be good again tomorrow ... after family Christmas.
Anyone know if there is a way to ensure family members never read your blog? Then this thing could get REALLLLLLY good.

Yours truly,
M.F.

Her boyfriend's back, momma's gonna get in trouble ...HEY LA ...HEY LA ..

Soooooooooooooooooooo...the pistol invited me into her room to play "cards" ...and I quickly learned that it was all a setup ...she swiftly lets me in on the fact that her 'boyfriend' is there ...and that he'd asked her to lunch today ...took her to "paulas" for lunch (that's Chapala's Mexican Bar and Grill to you...) and when I asked her what his name was she said I'd have to ask him ...so I said well where is he and she said he was 'behind the box' (of stuffed animals on her bed) ... oh my LORD ...SHE IS THREE. I know I've said that already.

Well NEVER FEAR MF IS HERE and worked it to my advantage and told her that her boyfriend told me she's been sneaking hershey's kisses into her room for the past week and eating them behind her bed ... YOU HAVE N-E-V-E-R SEEN A JAW DROP SO FAST AND EYES LIKE SAUCERS WITH THE MOST SHIT 'EATIN GRIN E-V-E-R.

Busted.

Damn I'm quick.

I should have left it at that... instead of suggesting she go in and tell Dr. Teats about her new boyfriend ... he got a lot more story than I did ...the part about her boyfriend having a way BIGGER truck than daddy, and it is RED, and that he should get a Red one like her BOYFRIEND, and they love to go camping together ... and sleep in a red tent ... (do we see a trend?) and they have marshmallows for dinner ... Hotdogs too I asked? No just marshmallows mom...we LOVE MARSHMALLOWS.

Wanna know Dr. Teats response to all of this madness? "that's it sister - NO MORE ZACK AND CODY FOR YOU ...THAT SHOW IS TOO OLD FOR YOU." haha. How on earth does she (let alone HE?) even know who Zack and Cody are ... ??? It couldn't be while I'm facebooking could it?

Again ... I know I'm the only loser. Go ahead and mock me ... guess I better take it easy on CRACKbook, get a handle on the pistol before she changes her name to Heidi, her boyfriend is a controlling ass named Spencer, and she now has a pole in her tent.

Gotta go ...the familia is all shnoozing and I have smut TV to catch up on.
Sleep tight. Evidently the pistol will be having sweet dreams ... (and I still don't know her boyfriend's name ... ???)

M.F.

Muffin top

It's official ... my ass is too flat and saggy for the size 12, but my muffin top is too muffin toppish for the size 10. I'm not sure which is the worse of two evils but I'm thinking the muffin top. There are only so many blouses (I hate that word - blouse - it's right up there with MOIST) THAT CAN CAMOFLAUGE THE MUFFIN TOP. I'm 5'9 and I'll spare you my weight but sisters ... how much more diarrhea does a girl have to have before she loses another pant size. And then when/if I do ... YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN ... BY THE TIME THE MUFFIN FITS INTO THE SIZE 10 NICELY, THE ASS WILL BE SAGGY AND NEED A SIZE 8. Seriously - I loveeeeeeeeeee the muffin top of a cupcake girls ...but I do NOT love the muffin top in my mid section - it's giving me headaches.

WOE
IS
ME.

If only I could ...I SO WOULD!

Dr. Teats has been in Texas for two days (monthly visit) ... the pistol is driving me neeners, and baby bazooka somehow found the ONE non-shatterproof ornament on the tree ...it's one of THOSE days ... the ones where you could just zoom off to Starbucks. ... just real quick like ... they'll be fine ... and I'll have 10 minutes BY - MY - SELF. But beside the ole child neglect law ...I'd be the one who's car just stalled at the drive thru window - for no good reason ... and would have to call my mother in law and tell her I left the kids at the house please go save them. haha.

Don't worry though...she wouldn't judge me ..she left Dr. Teats when he was 3 months old ...sleeping in his crib ... in a house in the country and headed off to "town" (30 minutes away) - had to call HER mother in law when she realized she'd left him. haha. CAN'T SAY I BLAME HER - HE'S A REAL PAIN IN THE ASS SOMETIMES.

Anyway ... don't worry ...I won't DOOOOOOOOOO IT ...I'M JUST THINKING REALLY HARD ABOUT IT ...