IS IT JUST ME?

Or has anyone else blown it out the back so bad for so long and your ass stings so bad you actually ...consider ...

DESITIN. Butt Paste. Whatever.

Oh my yammers I'm on fire ...I had better not do it ...because the second I put the little Bazooka down to run someone will inevitably smell it on me and ask "Does she have diaper rash? Poor thing."

Yah poor thing is right ...POOR MOCHA FREAK.

Elf on a Shelf ...

Anyone read that cute little book and/or been sucker enough to actually think the damn elf on your shelf would influence your pistols to behave a little better for the month of December?

IT'S. NOT. WORKING.

Dare I ask if 3 years old is too young to get PMS? GOOD LORD!!!! I have no idea who on earth she gets this DRAMATIC personality from... you all know it's not ME - HEAVEN FORBID YOU EVEN THINK IT ..must be Dr. Teats.

You know this isn't just MF being oversensitive either ...b/c if you read my posts you'll know that I don't get bitchy for two more weeks ... I'M JUST SAYING.

Soup Nazi ...(ok Drunk-uninhibited-Soup-Nazi)

So we had a little soup party at our house last night ... about 8 crock pots of soup showed up ... which was fabulous. The sucky thing about hosting the soup party is that you can't choose your soup first, because that would be downright rude to my guests ...so I figured I'd just wait and see what all everyone was bringing and then make whatever was left. The trouble was ... by the time everyone RSVP'd any soup I'd ever made - or that I thought tasted halfway decent ...TAKEN. So - I figured - I'd bust out with something new ... that I'd never made ...or tasted ...how bad could Broccoli Cheese Soup turn out? It's cheese, it's broccoli ...some onions and seasonings.... BIG.MISTAKE.

The funniest hubby in the bunch sneaks over to me in the kitchen ...giggling as only he can ... waving me over - he's had a bit to drink so is giddy as all get out and I can tell whatever he's about to tell me is going to be good - he is damn near gagging ...and whispers ..."I just fed your black dog some soup ...I hope that's ok ...he ate it ...because I couldn't take it ... it was the nastiest tasting soup I've ever tasted ...disgusting ... I don't know who made it ... but it had ...

(DRUMROLL PLEASE ...)

BROCCOLI IN IT ... (gag some more ...and he's doubled over laughing ...)"

Poor guy ... I can't blame him ... it looked like my stomach flu from last week ... you know when you've thrown up so much there is just the green bile-ish nastiness left ... and the $10.00 high end cheese tasted to me like $10.00 cheese but looked like curdled milk attaching itself like a cling on to the broccoli. I just died laughing and fessed up that it was mine ... because it is funny after all isn't it? Ohhhhhh ...the irony in the fact that you host a soup party, and your soup tastes like shit ...

Damn Soup Nazi. I flipped him the bird on point ...IN MY HEAD.

(TRUTH BE TOLD IT WAS HILARIOUS ... AND MY FEELINGS WERE NOT HURT ... THE WAY HE WENT ABOUT IT MADE IT HYSTERICAL ...I DO HOWEVER WISH IN MY HEART OF HEARTS HE WAS TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE'S NASTY SOUP...)

How 'bout those da-lish-ous hot wings everyone was raving about that I DID MAKE ....(which may or may not have been out of a frozen bag purchased at Costco...).

Should have throw 5 cans of campbells chicken noodle in the crock pot and called it all good ...I'm just saying.

THANK GOODNESS FOR THE HUMPING CHIHUAHUA THAT SOMEONE GAVE AS A WHITE ELEPHANT GIFT TO HELP TAKE THE STING AWAY ...

STOP-AND-GAWK-AND-TALK-AND-COCK-AND-MOCK

Masked ...WORKING AWAY...ordering you by pointing ...shouting hitler style ... nodding to the front of the store ... you give the "I'm begging you for mercy, please throw me a bone ..." look to the lady sitting in the chair waiting and she mumbles back to you ...quietly "pick a color" and you whisper back "I don't want a color I want a french manicure ....and suddently ...

'WHAT? WHAT YOU SAY? WHAT YOU SAY TO HER? WHAT WRONG? PICACULLAH!!!!!!'

"I said I want a french manicure so I don't need a color ..."

'YOU WANT WHY O WHYWHY'

(Again begging for mercy to your right ...)

"white or white white"

WTF does that mean ... how many whites could their possibly be in a french manicure ...TWO EVIDENTLY - why or whywhy.

They are so good aren't they? SO fast and efficient. So affordable. So convenient because I don't have to have a standing appointment. It really is awesome ...

Except the part where they are giving me a pedicure and do the "stop-and-gawk-and-talk-and-cock-and-mock."

Stop ...after they are done drying the wet feet that have just come out of the soapy lukewarm water ...gawk at something they find less than alright with them ... talk ...in a language I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO PICK UP DESPITE YEARS AND HOURS OF SITTING LISTENING ...to their co-workers in the store ....COCK their heads in the direction of my feet over and over ...and then MOCK me as they casually saunter by and then die laughing and talk some more amongst themselves but don't make eye contact with me SO I WON'T KNOW THEY'RE LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF AT MY DISGUSTING FEET.

I just hate that ...there just might be something to making an appointment, every two weeks,same time same place ... paying 20 bucks more... toes and nails not looking near as fabulous and getting to recap how stupid "The Hills" was this week... but damn it I won't have high blood pressure at any moment during my 'TREATMENT' ...

I just think my time away from the pistol (and what is she by now an uzi?) is just so precious - to stare at a wall and 'check out' if you will ...must they have such a belly laugh at my expense?

I know, not one of you relates. It only happens to me and my feet. And I'm the only one that ponders making a change, and then knowing "hell no...I'll never be able to keep the appointment..." And I'm the only one hidous enough to make a post like this.

Laughing at myself as usual ...

I'm in love with Santa ...

And not Dr. Teats either ladies ... I'm in love with the big fat white haired guy ...eh hem ...I'm still, not talking about Dr. Teats ... THE ONE THAT HAS A HUUUUUUUUGE sleigh. I'm for sure not talking about Dr. Teats.

Why am I in love with Santa you ask? Well, because although I know Jesus is the reason for the season, really, I do ... I PLAN ON SQUEEZING EVERY LAST BIT OF 'GOOD'NESS out of my pistols for the next 22 days ...BECAUSE THEY KNOW SANTA IS COMING ... AND THEREFORE ...THEY ....WILL...BE...GOOD. Yippee for me.

And that's why I love Santa... at least for today ...

Cheers, (and I will drink ...)
M.F.

Red Red Wine ........ Goes to his Heaaaaad ...

Dr. Teats had a senior moment yesterday ...

Last night at dinner, the pistol asked me to get her some milk as she'd finished what she had in her cup ... Dr. Teats graciously jumped in as he noticed I'd JUST started to eat my dinner ... and offered to get it for her. I wasn't even paying attention to what he was doing as I was eagerly chowing down on the delicious PBJ I'd prepared for myself ... I look up mid-peanut-butter-on-my-lips-tongue-swipe and Dr. Teats is pouring a nice, big, sippy cup, full of ...

ZINFANDEL. RED ZINFANDEL. White may not have been as shocking ...thus the need to note RED. I looked at him ... he smiled at me, feeling pretty stellar about the great dad he is ...I just pointed at the cup ...straight faced ...and he nearly fell over pulling the bottle up and out of the pour position. He hadn't even noticed which made it all the more delightful to watch ...

I spit out what was left of my sandwich in laughter ... Dr. Teats quickly dumped the wine into the sink and corrected his mistake with MILK ... and sat down. We thought the five minutes of comedy was over ...UNTIL ...

No sooner had he gotten himself comfy with his BIG BOY sippy glass ... the pistol flips him the bird on point ...and goes "hey daddy ... can you do this?" He looks over her head and at me with that "WTF????" face I'm sure you've all seen before and I said "Don't look at me!!!" She is oblivious and as he tells her he can't do it ... she replies "oh yah daddy that's because only teachers and little people can do it."

Nuff said. Except teacher Judy at the Dutch Reform Christian Preschool might be getting a phone call ...

Bazooka! Amen????

Happy Monday :)

So yesterday Dr. Teats and I were hanging out on the floor in the room of the little pistol...she had her back to him and he tapped her on her bootie in fun, and she turned around and punched him ...HARD. 14 months. I said to him ... "Sooo....'pistol' doesn't quite cut it on this one does it ... perhaps Semi-automatic is more appropriate?" He replied, "I was thinking Bazooka ..."

We agreed, we laughed (behind pillows, thinking she couldn't see us b/c of course we wouldn't get caught dead laughing at such INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR), she BUSTED us, thought we were laughing at her (which we were) and she punched him again with gritted teeth this time. Then turned around and went about her business like nothing happened.

I hope I don't ever get CPS called on me as a result of self defense ... from the Baby Bazooka.

Same child, Thanksgiving day ... (I am told) ...was sitting on Dr. Teat's lap, while everyone was saying what they were thankful for ... my mom has had a rough few years with my 70 yr old cancer stricken father (who is still with us THANK YOU LORD!) ... and has been a trooper and she started to get teary as it was her turn ... and the baby got up from Dr. Teats lap and reached out her arms for grandma immediately - seeing she was sad.

Will anyone concur that I have my handsful? Amen sisters?